My heart hurts for DS - Twos company threes a crowd..

[LifesTooShortYOLO]

So bare with me as I'm feeling a bit emotional this evening 🥺
We went to the park today with some friends and the children playing were 4 boys including my DS all around age 4.5.
I watched several occasions where my DS was left out, they ignored him and I just felt so sad 😞
They were playing ball and my DS went over and one boy said 'I want to play with xxx not you' and then ran off to find the other boy. So then my DS followed and picked up the ball that he had dropped and stood there and said 'Does anyone want to play ball with me' and they all carried on playing and just ignored him 🥺
I totally get that kids are kids, and I'm sure this is the start of many situations where I may not be around to protect my boy from feeling left out, sad or when kids are being mean and that's all part of him growing up.
He starts school in September and my heart feels so heavy that he may be faced with these kind of situations and that I won't be there to say 'It's ok maybe they will play ball later why don't you go and join them on the swings' and I have visions of him stood there after trying to play with other kids and not getting any response and it breaks my heart 🥺
There was another time today when all the boys went and sat on a bench together and my DS who was last running with them got there and one boy said 'There's no room for you you will have to sit over there' 😭
Don't really know why I'm writing this but I just feel sad tonight and I hate the fact that in life you won't always be there at certain situations to protect your babies 💚

That would make me feel sad too. If I've understood it, you were there with friends and their children? If so, it's a shame they didn't encourage their children to include your son or talk to them about some of the comments which sound deliberately unkind. I hope when he starts school, he meets a lovely bunch of new friends who know how to be kind.

I had this last year when I went to the park with some friends we all have boys of the same age

It’s hard to watch it really is
kids can be mean

If these are your friends, be honest with them and say you are worried about your little boy being left out. You don't have to say anything to imply the boys were unkind, maybe just say you feel like he doesn't speak up enough (even if he does) and can they encourage their little boys to include him?

This would break my heart, but I would tell my friends.

Horrible isn’t it!!
When two (vile) little (shits) girls didn’t want to play with my daughter I had to keep really smiley and Upbeat and tell her “it doesn’t matter, not everyone wants to play, let’s play together/ find other kids to play with”
Our job is to build resilience, whilst inside silently sobbing.

Thanks for the replies 🥰
Yes they are my friends, but I was cautious about looking like the 'Mum who was winging that her kid was being left out' if you know what I mean 😢 The other two mums were chattering away obvious while I was watching the children.

This would make me sad too OP, I get you. However it is most likely a one off and unfortunately it's a part of life. Are they always like that with him?

Oh sorry didn’t realise you know them, a simple “come on let’s all play together” and if no let up I’d take my child off to play with me or other children (let the other parents watch their children)

You can’t control randoms in the park but if I’m reading this correctly, these are your friends children? Wtf were they doing whilst the other boys were being mean to your son? They all sound vile, I’d never stand for my DD behaving like this.

@LifesTooShortYOLO

Thanks for the replies 🥰 Yes they are my friends, but I was cautious about looking like the 'Mum who was winging that her kid was being left out' if you know what I mean 😢 The other two mums were chattering away obvious while I was watching the children.

You don't have to do it in a whingey way. Just present it like a concern for your son, like as if he is shy?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Horrible isn’t it!! When two (vile) little (shits) girls didn’t want to play with my daughter I had to keep really smiley and Upbeat and tell her “it doesn’t matter, not everyone wants to play, let’s play together/ find other kids to play with” Our job is to build resilience, whilst inside silently sobbing.

Completely agree with this. It's really hard for us as parents, but I suppose it happened to us all at one point or another when we were little and we don't remember now.

Oh your heart feels it all! You can take the option to say to the other children "that's not very kind" and see what happens. It is usually one child behaving in this exclusive way and the others are "following" cos that's what people do.

@LakeShoreD

You can’t control randoms in the park but if I’m reading this correctly, these are your friends children? Wtf were they doing whilst the other boys were being mean to your son? They all sound vile, I’d never stand for my DD behaving like this.

Yes they are my friends boys. They were having a good old natter leaving the kids to play but I was aware of my son trying to get involved so I was watching them. Maybe I will try and word a message to them about how he felt left out today 😕

My DD was like this and I worried when she was starting reception as lockdown meant she hardly went to nursery.
In a class of 33 there's bound to be children similarly shy or less boisterous who he will become firm friends with or like my DD she may pair up with an over confident child who brings out his more confident side.

@LifesTooShortYOLO i wouldn’t send a message personally. I think anything said in writing (even text) sounds so much heavier than in person and your friends will probably react better if you just drop into conversation “oooh I’m a little worried about the start of school… I notice DS gets left out sometimes and I hope he manages to find his group in school” which will inevitably lead onto the dynamics of the group That’s leaving him out. I’m sure that the other parents will then be more likely to a. Notice and b. Encourage their kids sensitively and discreetly to play with your DS.

I agree, as your friends they could have helped your son to join in with theirs. I certainly would have done in such a situation. Whilst we can't control everything, when we are with our children and with friends we can encourage good behaviour to make sure everyone is included. I'd definitely have a word with your friends. How often would you all meet up?
Completely understand how you feel.

I wouldn’t text either- if it happens again (these things can be one offs), simply remove your son from their company, it will speak volumes. To text only creates an issue and for your son to be potentially ousted permenantly

I'd leave it now.. but next time if it happens again speak to them in a friendly way about it. Seeing our children get left out certainly makes your heart hurt

I wouldn’t text them, it’s making it into an issue. Just try and build his resilience and encourage other friendships, unfortunately he will go through this, we all do, but he’ll be fine.

If I saw my dc saying anything so mean and deliberately leaving a child out I would go through them for a short cut !! I hate seeing this behaviour and totally judge the parents of kids who do this (they must pick up this behaviour somewhere) definitely would say something to your friends !

If I saw my dc saying anything so mean and deliberately leaving a child out I would go through them for a short cut !! I hate seeing this behaviour and totally judge the parents of kids who do this (they must pick up this behaviour somewhere) definitely would say something to your friends!

This!

I wouldn't bring it up by text unless you word it so it voices your concerns in regards to how comfortable their DC seemed in comparison to your Ds and then mention that you are worried how he will settle into friendships at school.

I’m really sensitive to this too, OP! Especially as I work with young children as well - I see it a lot. To be fair it’s all part of child development and learning about relationships and emotions and consequences but I’m with you - it’s heartbreaking!
In terms of what I’d do, raising it with the other parents would be a very last resort. I’d usually deal with it then and there; I’m always keeping a close eye on the dynamics when there’s more than two playing together and if my kids show any sign of leaving anyone out, I’m on it. I take them aside quietly and make it clear they’re not to exclude people. Alternately, if I can see mine are being left out I’ll go over and do an obvious “is everything ok?” Check in. This gives the leaver outers the opportunity to sort themselves out (sometimes just an adult’s presence reminds them about the right thing to do) or allows the child being wronged to say what’s happening. Sometimes it can be sorted that way by talking it through, sometimes I’ll just encourage them to come away and play with someone else who’s going to be kind to them.
As my children have got older (6 and over) I’ve drilled it into them to call people out on their behaviour and tell them directly “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that, please stop” It’s taken some doing, but I feel like this has been the best thing I could’ve taught them and definitely helps me to know I’ve given them some tools to use for when they’re struggling with friendships.
Also - don’t be afraid to raise any concerns with the reception teacher when he starts school.