Invading space of sibling

[CoconutGal]

My 6yo step-son has just recently began invading the space of his 4yr old sister. To begin with it appeared to be a bit of harmless teasing her, but now he spends a lot of his time literally pushing his head against hers & whispering or talking through his teeth in her ear, constantly holding her arm, hand, foot or just squashed into her. She becomes very irritated by it & he is not responding to her verbal demands to "stop". Often myself & DH have to step in. To a point where they can't sit at the table next to each other because he is in her face, stroking her hair or even holding her hand while he eats.

In the same way, he's going through a "telling" stage. 4yo cannot do anything without step son saying "she's doing this".

I'm a sibling of 3, I remember the telling on each-other phase but the invading space phase I don't remember. I do remember having the play fights, picking on each-other etc & also equally I remember the cuddles when I was sad. But I don't remember my brother or sister being this way with myself. Nor me to them.

Is this step son seeking sensory needs?

I don't know what's causing it but I've not come across it before.

What response are you giving the telling tales?

Sensory needs? No, he's just a bully. You need to come down hard on this with strong and severe consequences. Not only is his behaviour unacceptable but if you don't clearly take his sister's side and protect her boundaries, she'll learn that males can invade her personal space and physically interfere with her and she just has to put up with it. Not a good message for a little girl.

My 4 1/2yr old wants to occupy the same 3 square inches as her 11month old sister.

She holds her hand and tries to "parent" her.

She has been trying to pick her up and drag her about.

The baby is screaming when her sister now approaches a lot of the time.

I'm responding with clear boundaries for DD. She wants to play with the baby but the baby isn't capable/not interested.
I redirect and give a warning
I repeat
On the third instance I remove my 4 1/2yr old from the situation and give her a "time in". So she's not being excluded, she comes and sits with me, usually in the kitchen whilst I cook/clean. I chat with her but she is not permitted to return to her sister until 5 min has passed. I try and direct the conversation towards why she thinks she's with me and how she feels. How we can help it not happen again etc.

My 4 1/2 yr old isn't vicious however (talking through teeth) and doesn't hold hands when eating etc. That I would stop immediately.

He may be looking for attention or affection from her or he may be exercising control over her because he is feeling a lack of control in other areas of his life.

How is he patented by his mother? What's his life like in his other home (if he goes there too). The talking through teeth is a very adult behaviour so probably learnt

This would really creep me out, you're doing the right thing by stepping in though although as he doesn't seem to be getting the hint I would be enforcing harsher consequences or looking at a different approach. From my experience of a dd (baby) and 6yo step son it could be a jealousy thing, or maybe he's struggling to process and show affection. Have you spoken to him about why he does it? If it were me I would be keeping them separate and physically sitting between them at all times or have her with me in another room, and wouldn't leave them unsupervised at least until he stops and grows out of this phase. Like a pp said, your dd is at such an impressionable age she needs to know unwanted attention from anyone, especially male, is not to be tolerated and she doesn't have to sit through it. For instance I won't make my dd give a grandparent eg a kiss and a hug if she doesn't want to.
Others might not agree and it might be different with full siblings who live with each other 24/7. How often is he with you, is he affectionate with his dad? Has he got any SEN? Sorry for the 20 questions!

I would think this is about attention. I don't know if DD is also your stepchild but either way I would get DH to give DSS more individual attention - even if you think he has enough, he doesn't. This should be done separately from the bad behaviour (ie not as an obvious response to it) and you could deal with that as Dinochum suggests.

I meant to say 'even if you think he has enough, he doesn't think he does'.