Starting to dislike my ds

[CandyFIosss]

This is going to sound awful but I’m really starting to dislike my son, he is 9 and is so angry all the time, he has an awful temper and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells a lot, he is awful to his younger siblings and regularly hits them and teases them, he hits me as well, he is so angry and aggressive, he got a splinter in his foot at the park and I tried to get it out but I couldn’t, he was screaming hysterically so I said I can’t do it whilst you are like that, and went to walk away, as I walked away he threw his shoe at me (in front of friends and family) and ran towards me to attack me! He didn’t care that people were there, he only stopped because my mum said what the hell are you doing, he then sat on the bench and started screaming his head off, he’s kicked his bedroom door off, if I send him to his room for being horrible to the other children he will go up and throw things and smash things and scream. I feel like he is ruling us, he is so negative as well and always puts a negative spin on everything, if we go anywhere he will say everything is rubbish or crap. He is awaiting an assessment for autism, I’m a single parent with no father involved so no help with him and I don’t get a break at all. I don’t know what to do ☹️

You are obviously doing some of the right things - getting an autism check, protecting your other children, trying to introduce some discipline to prevent someone getting hurt.

Does he have his own bedroom?
If yes then I think if he decides to chuck everything around, then maybe that's his problem. He is 9, he can tidy it up later. I'd say nothing about it and simply leave it for him to tidy - weeks, if necessary.

How is he at school?
What is he doing all day now it's summer?
Does he ever get 1 on 1 time with you alone?
What makes him laugh?
Is the house generally calm or is it very hectic and noisy?
How much screen time, and what is he doing when he's using tech (gaming or chatting or YouTube or just watching programmes?)

Is he EVER calm and content, does he ever play happily with his siblings? If yes, what conditions are in place when he is calm, and what triggers him to boil over?
Does he realise his behaviour is bad and will he then be contrite and try to make it up to you, or is he oblivious and defiant when you talk to him afterwards about his violent tantrums?

Although it is very hard you just have to stay very calm and had the line that violence is NOT acceptable and if he feels angry he cannot take it out on another person nearby, until you get a result from the autism test, as dealing with that will be different than if he is NT.

I think also it goes without saying that ANY good behaviour you need to notice and praise. Also, try and identify a time of day he feels more calm, and see if you can get some time alone with him, maybe after the other kids are in bed. You could read to him, or look at a game or programme together.

I would read up on PDA profile of autism. The PDA Society have fantastic tips for handling behaviour.

That sounds awful op.

My DS has a high temper, when he boils over he is sent to his room but I sit and stay with him. I find that he can't come down without help but I have to wait until the storm passes, so I sit, I don't engage so no looking, no touching, no talking at all. When he feels calmer he comes to me for a hug and I can then ask if he is ok. We don't go over what caused the upset as that can re escalate the situation.

I found a book the hidden chimp very good at him managing his response to his anger, and much later in the day we would read the book together. it was insightful and interesting to get his feelings about his response to anger and we have found strategies to avoid him boiling over. It's definitely helped us ....

I think the most useful thing to do immediately would be to sit down and think about the most recent meltdowns and see if you can identify triggers. If he's Autistic things like transitions (changing from one activity/place to another), changes in routine, unexpected events, sensory issues (loud/busy/ bright places), too many outings can all be triggers. PDA even more so, anything that seems like a demand to the child can cause a meltdown. My DC have both and probably some trauma response too.

My little guy will be laughing and telling me he's going to hit me, then do it. He's not himself when he's overwhelmed, he's lashing out, trying to feel ok about the chaos and overwhelm in his head. There's a big difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. Without being there I couldn't say if he's throwing tantrums to get his way or acting out the complete overwhelm going on in his head. The everyday world can be an endless assault on your mind if you're Autistic or have anxiety. Anxiety and trauma response like complex PTSD can show as anger too. There's a SEN board on here, maybe somewhere to get more replies. Besides working out triggers you might find the zones of regulation useful. It needs to be worked on and practiced when calm and used consistently by you as well as the children. You'd still need to minimise triggers and keep a close eye on how he's doing emotionally, it's a long term commitment, but can really help.

I know how impossible it can feel to take on any more, when you're already feeling burnt out. You mentioned family, given your DS sounds really hair trigger reactive at the moment I wouldn't suggest asking them to take him for a few hours, but could they help with siblings occasionally?

Is there anything that helps regulate and calm him, allows him to zone out and relax? For my DC that's actually tablets and YouTube, we have specific regular times they can do tablet and firm boundaries on when they get off. I know for some children it's absolutely not the answer, but I know a fair few Autistic DC that benefit from having regular screen time to escape the world. For my DC there's all these little things about being out in the world that eat away at their ability to cope, reducing triggers where possible helps, but they also need to do things that fill their cup to counter balance the things that empty them out.

Thanks for the comments, just to answer some questions, no we never get 1:1 time, I have 4 children in total, my mum will have 2 at a time max but never all 4, his younger sibling is 7 and I would be lying if I didn’t say he teases him a lot well they both tease each other but in results in physical fights where he will beat him up, so for example today we went to the park and it’s a splash park and the younger one kept splashing water on him, I asked him not to due to how aggressive he can be but he kept doing it and then my son would run up to me and aggressively act like he is about to attack me (but didn’t) But I don’t understand why he is attacking me for his brother splashing him, it came to a head when he slammed him into a wall and he fell on the floor, honestly I’ve been crying in my room today I can’t rake it anymore, I don’t even have anywhere I can take him when I’ve had enough, I can’t cope with him anymore he is too violent and he is going to get bigger and stronger, I grew up with DV and feel like I’m reliving it again.