Daughter likely ASD. The bloody things that have to be right....

[6fingerkitkat]

name changed been around about 15 yrs.
I am complete bitch I know. So if you are going to be unkind please send me a pm and say it to my face.

Daughter is nearly 13. Likely to have asd. Not diagnosed yet. She functions highly, masks very well except when she's with me. Ie it's mostly hidden at school and her father's house.

Christ on a bike I can't handle her late night exacting requirements on doors being open a certain amount, things being left open in exactly the right position, everything having to be done in the same way it has been previously. Curtains closed in same formation. Etc

I tend to think to think a child is taking the piss in such things but her upset reaction when I get tetchy about it tells me she genuinely can't handle it.

I can't handle the overwhelm she experiences in every shop when people get up to close to her or come to stand and browse near us. She becomes really rude and passive aggressive about everyone in her way then it runs on for hours after we leave.

I tend to think to think a child is taking the piss in such things but her upset reaction when I get tetchy about it tells me she genuinely can't handle it.

I'm not well myself with severe depression and PTSD and all her reactions disregulate me no end. I am currently deteriorating badly for other reasons meaning I've got less to give to help her. Single parent too and I'm breaking. FT full on highly stressful work role on the side of this. Plus a younger one who looking similar in her sensory issues already...... not sure what's going on there yet.

Any words of advice welcomed.please. ?

As mentioned I know I'm a bitch, things are bad enough that I'm considering multiple exit strategies to make this/me/us go away so please keep unkindness to PMs.

You're not a bitch. It's bloody difficult. DS is autistic and I can relate to everything you say. Are you seeking diagnosis? There is help out there for you, once you get your bit of paper.

It's probs no comfort to you, but her unmasking when around you shows that you are the person she trusts the most in the world to love and support her unconditionally.

The late night requirements are all about her exerting control over things she can control, so please try not to resent them. DS has to run through our garden and next door's garden, then to the end of the road and spin round the lamp post every time we leave the house, etc. It's upsetting for us because it's kind of evidence of how different our kids are and it worries us, but we need to accept it's part of who they are. But at her age she can sort the curtains and stuff out for herself and not involve you.

That sounds very challenging.

Oh honey, no judgement at all. It's hard work parenting a child with ASD.

First things first, you have to look after yourself.
Cant pour from an empty cup, and all that.

I know, you'll have heard professionals tell you this, but they're right.
She needs you regulated so that she can "feed off" of you.

Start with gratitude journalling and mindful breathing (I know! how could that possibly make a difference.... it does.).

When you get a bit of calm space, start teaching her the same skills. Little by little.

Thank you for being kind.

I'd read the bit about unmasked at home means they are comfortable somewhere before but not connected it. That's a good thing.

I have a diagnosis assessment waiting in the wings. Need to discuss with other parent who will make it all my fault. I need to be strong to handle that. I will do. I am on board with the psychologist etc.

I had 2 hrs of this meltdowns last night at full volume 9-11pm and again tonight but shorter. It shreds me from the inside. 🙁

I'm very happy for her to do what she needs with regards placement of things, positioning of curtains but she pulls me into it and then screams louder when I do it wrong (done the same as always) as it wasn't what she wanted.

It's the screaming that triggers me off. I can soothe her. I wasn't taught that and I can't do it well. When I try she rejects me.

Feeling v low about it all.
Thanks for replying xx

I can relate I've had an awful day with my dd 9 it's bloody hard work. She's been bored, tetchy and difficult all day and I'm afraid to say I lost my temper, now I feel like the worse mum ever (single mum also).

I’m feeling exactly the same OP. I don’t know what to say apart from huge hugs.

Hope you manage some rest and time for yourself where possible. We’re drained!
Our DD is Autistic.

We’re having some similar issues with DD with suspected ASD and def would second the advice about looking after yourself as well as her. Camhs’ view on the screaming from our dd is if it seems from a genuine place of distress, eg some upsetting incident at school etc then she should be comforted but if it just seems in their words ‘a teen tantrum’ and you have done everything you can then leave them and they might just need to scream it out. We have spoken to our neighbours and explained the situation and they are all understanding.

I really feel for you, DP and I are together and still struggle to be on the same page about DD, can’t imagine trying to do it alone with a dense ex. Big hugs and the very best of luck. Xx

It is bloody hard. But in time you learn more to not trigger them, they then calm.down and most feels pretty normal.

My youngest has PDA. Its hell as currently everything has to go as planned and life isnt like that is it?

I'm very happy for her to do what she needs with regards placement of things, positioning of curtains but she pulls me into it and then screams louder when I do it wrong (done the same as always) as it wasn't what she wanted

Try saying 'Please show me exactly how you would like me to do this' and follow every step.

It will be quite some time before you can say 'You do it so much better than me so I think it should be your job from now on' but you will get there.

A lot of reducing her anxiety is understanding what her often unrealistic expectations are exactly, then gradually working on those to be more reasonable, which in turn makes them more easily fulfilled which means less anxiety.

I would get her assessed for ocd, that level of distress and exact requirements sounds like ocd and if so she will be incredibly anxious and cbt therapy is best way forward. Getting help on NHS is a nightmare though. There's some ocd charities with advice lines.