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Original poster

DD won’t get dressed

27 replies

User16838 · 14/08/2021 11:19

DD is 2.5 and is on the autism pathway waiting for an assessment. However she is very sociable and all the professionals we have had involved with her so far (due to late walking and late speech) have said they think she probably won’t meet the diagnostic criteria for autism. But she definitely has some of the “hallmark” behaviours for want of a better word.

Her speech is catching up and she can now say most single words and sometimes combines two words. Her understanding is very good. She has some sensory issues and isn’t keen on the bath or getting sand on her feet but she is generally fine with clothes, once she is wearing them she doesn’t make a fuss about trying to take them off and doesn’t mind the labels etc.

But since she learnt the word NO she is point blank refusing to get dressed. I’ve tried everything I can think of other than complete bribery eg if you get dressed you can have some chocolate. Even then I think she would say no. I’ve tried distraction, making it into a game, letting her watch Tv, modelling the behaviour myself. I’m at my wits end. Today I tried telling her that she couldn’t come out to the park with me and her sister until she got dressed. She really wanted to come but she still wouldn’t get dressed. So I’ve left without her. She’s at home with DH continuing her strop.

Any advice please?!

OP posts:
Original poster
User16838 · 14/08/2021 11:21

Other things I’ve tried:
Singing songs
Letting her choose the outfit
Being silly while we get dressed eg ticking her tummy when she takes her top off
Reading her a story while we get dressed

OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 14/08/2021 11:22

For days like today you handled it perfectly. If DS nearly 10 with ADHD refuses to get dressed on school days I leave the house with his clothes, he's soon at the door begging me to give them to him.

Winemewhynot · 14/08/2021 11:25

I think you’ve handled it well too. Actions = consequences.

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Original poster
User16838 · 14/08/2021 11:27

The thing is that on nursery days I can’t actually leave without her, she would be home alone and she needs to go to nursery!

I don’t think she’d care if we kept her in her pyjamas and took our clothes with her, she’s too young to be embarrassed. So I almost don’t want her to see that as an option as we will almost certainly then end up with her just wearing pyjamas all the time!

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Ducksurprise · 14/08/2021 11:29

Just let her go out in her pj's (obviously make sure they are appropriate, but being in pj's is not really an issue. At 2.5 there are battles that are just not worth it. Its also a fairly common occurrence with a toddler fixating on clothing

bounce89 · 14/08/2021 11:33

If you asked her to put different pjs on would she get changed or does she just refuse point blank?

Ducksurprise · 14/08/2021 11:34

@Winemewhynot

I think you’ve handled it well too. Actions = consequences.
She is 2 with possible ASD, I'm not convinced that you can successfully teach actions and consequences.
negomi90 · 14/08/2021 11:34

Make sure she wears proper PJs (ie top and bottoms, not a nightie), then let her run around in PJs. Its not a battle worth fighting as it will just cause everyone distress. PJs won't hurt anyone. She's covered.

ipswichwitch · 14/08/2021 11:34

I also think you’ve handled it well. DS2 has asd and learned that actions have consequences much more quickly once they were demonstrated rather than spoken about. We found that trying to persuade him only made the refusal worse. I’d tell him to get dressed so he can come to the park, then leave it til it’s time to go. I’d repeat “let’s get dressed it’s time to go now” and if he still refused then he didn’t get to go. Otherwise it becomes a battle of wills! As an aside, DS is very sociable but still got his diagnosis as he couldn’t understand the boundaries and is overly familiar with strangers.

Original poster
User16838 · 14/08/2021 11:52

On the one hand I think maybe we should just pick our battles and let her go out in her PJs. To be honest I could actually just dress her in a top and leggings for bed so that she is wearing that in the morning but I’m worried it’s a slippery slope and then she’ll start refusing to get changed for bedtime. So I’d like to try to find strategies to get her to cooperate so that it doesn’t become a thing. I’m worried we will end up in a situation where she will refuse to change out of dirty clothes or where she will just refuse to wear anything at all and then we can’t leave the house…

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Ducksurprise · 14/08/2021 12:09

I’m worried we will end up in a situation where she will refuse to change out of dirty clothes or where she will just refuse to wear anything at all and then we can’t leave the house…

This is catastrophising, plus she is still so little and doesn't really have the cognitive ability to really understand cause and effect. Toddlers are stubborn and fixated battling will not work long term and if she does have ASD there is a lot of information that shows that forcing her out of her comfort zone does more harm than good. Somethings you have to battle, ie she can't go out naked, but wearing what she slept in isn't one.

sandycloud · 14/08/2021 12:13

I've worked with children like this in the past. Sometimes I think it's not wanting to get dressed but feeling anxious about where they are going. Maybe make sure she knows what is happening. Maybe try some photos in a now next board. So show her getting dressed then the park. Or if this is too much give her the park photo. This sometimes works but not always!!!!

popcornfrenzy · 14/08/2021 12:14

What is it about clothes she doesn't like? My nephew has massive sensory issues as well as autism so if the clothes don't feel right then he won't wear them point blank. My DSis chose her battles and often he went to nursery with PJs on. The nursery really didn't care to be honest - it eased a lot of stress from both sides

Original poster
User16838 · 14/08/2021 12:20

I’ve just got back home and DH managed to convince her to get dressed, she did it with no drama apparently 🤨 but she does also refuse with him a lot of the time too.

I don’t think it’s the clothes she’s bothered about - she’s now sat eating a roll quite happily wearing a top and dungarees. She doesn’t ask to take them off once they’re on. And she doesn’t refuse any more or less depending on what she’s going to wear so it’s not like she only makes a fuss about specific clothes but is fine with leggings.

I think it’s the battle of wills to be honest. She knows I want her to get dressed and she’s realised that she can refuse to. The more I try to get her to get dressed the more she refuses and she escalates into a big tantrum. I think because this time DH acted like he didn’t care whether or not she got dressed, she was happy to.

OP posts:
drspouse · 14/08/2021 12:24

Acting like you don't care is a big help (if only we could remember this ourselves).
Oh well, no park then (or no snack/no TV). See you later!

RandomMess · 14/08/2021 12:26

There is no issue in her going out in her PJs tbh. Get pjs that look fairly neutral or leggings and t-shirts for sleeping in and then take a sweatshirt with you for on top.

Seems great advice to do picture stories of the plan for the day but so long as
She is dressed weather appropriately who cares!

One of DDs friends worse her Cinderella princess dress for pretty much 2-3 years! Never judged the parents for her think how much she saved in buying clothes?

Original poster
User16838 · 14/08/2021 14:30

Thanks for the comments. At the moment we have a routine of get up - go downstairs for breakfast - a bit of playing and TV time - then back upstairs to get dressed before we go out. I think I’m going to try changing this to bringing the clothes downstairs and getting her dressed in front of the TV/while she’s still playing. If she won’t get dressed then I’ll turn the TV off. If she still won’t get dressed then either she can’t come (if we’re going somewhere exciting) or she goes out in PJs if it’s a nursery day (I will put her in a plain top and patterned leggings or vice versa so that she doesn’t stand out from the other kids, I don’t want her to look “weird” as she struggles socially anyway).

OP posts:
Original poster
User16838 · 14/08/2021 14:31

I tell her every morning what is happening and she’s fine about it, she understands without needing any visual prompts. The tantrum doesn’t seem any better or worse depending on what she’s doing eg whether it’s nursery or mummy day or weekend.

OP posts:
sandycloud · 14/08/2021 14:40

Using the photos isn't really to help understand it's for reassurance. I've worked with some verbal ASD children who still rely on the structure of a visual timetable. It helps with transition between activities.

OrangeBlossom28 · 14/08/2021 14:45

Re the photos, it's probably a good idea to introduce them at this stage as they might be a strategy you need either at home or in an educational setting as she gets a bit older. Visuals are great at taking away the need for lots of language/explanations which can often be overwhelming for children.

LeonoraFlorence · 14/08/2021 14:45

Have you tried sitting our two outfits and letting her choose between them? Less overwhelming than what do you want to wear but still let’s her be in some control.

RandomMess · 14/08/2021 15:02

At DH instance we started getting ours dressed straight away before going downstairs. Was so much easier!!

Oblomov21 · 14/08/2021 15:11

Give her a choice. Either you get dressed now, or in 5 minutes. Your choice. Which one do you want.

It's a clever trick. From the book 'how you talk'. (Do you want red socks or blue socks) They feel like they are in control, but you actually get what you want.

DinosaurOfFire · 14/08/2021 15:21

For my 4 year old on the ASD pathway, its the transition and change that is the trigger, rather than the clothes (although some days it is the clothes too) I have to play a game with him to get him dressed when he is refusing, to break the tension and relax him. So I use my normal voice and tell him "Im not letting you get dressed today! Nope!" And pretend to hide his clothes behibd my back. Then turn one of my hands into a talking hand (like a naked puppet) and my "hand" will say something like "psst. Shall I help you get dressed? So you can win?"

Usually my son giggles and says yes and then I have to pretend I am not getting him dressed- for eg look out the window and say "oh look at that pretty tree out the window. I'm so glad you're NOT getting dressed" while I am actually helping him get dressed and he willingly puts his clothes on, while chatting away to my "hands". Then when he is dressed I pretend to be surprised, and ask my hands if they helped him.

Phineyj · 14/08/2021 15:25

Next do soft little cotton shorts in a range of colours. I often put DD in them for bed with a plain vest if we've run out of pyjamas. Nightwear that doesn't look like it is, definitely might help here!

Also find the website of the PDA society and try using some of the PANDA strategies.