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Almost 3yo DD very upset after latest biting incident in creche

2 replies

Slomi · 13/08/2021 20:27

Could use some advice from the wise mums and dads on here. I've changed the kids' names BTW.

DD has been going to nursery since she was tiny and has always loved it. Very outgoing, makes friends with everyone, very gentle with other children. She's almost 3.

We had a few biting incidents from a younger toddler, Anna, last year. Never left much of a mark, if any. DD is quite vocal so we could chat about it and she always took it in her stride. Nursery did their best, I did get a bit frustrated at the repeated incidents but DD wasn't badly hurt and seemed fine about it, she would say things like "Anna bite me but she only little, Mummy". It stopped as they were watching Anna like a hawk and I guess she grew out of it.

Fast forward to this year, DD has just moved rooms last week. She's one of the youngest in this one, most of the kids are 3+. She was bitten badly by a child on Monday. It was through her top, it tore the skin almost enough to draw blood (I'm certain it would have done if her sleeves had been rolled up) and most of her forearm is black and blue. The bite marks are also distorted and dragged out as if the child clamped down hard and she struggled if that makes sense.

She's been waking up screaming at night the last few nights. She came home today and only wanted to be rocked while crying in my arms (nothing happened I rang them to check). Very out of character, she is not a cuddly child. She has also been resisting going into nursery in the morning when she normally skips in. She tells me "Jack hurt me. Jack always pushing and biting". Nursery obviously can't confirm this, I only know the child's name from DD. So I don't know if he is always at this and I can only say with certainty that he has bitten her once, albeit badly. She also started talking about Anna again " Anna bite me too Mummy, always biting me". I feel awful now, Anna hasn't been mentioned for months and yet she clearly remembers so it must have affected her worse than I thought 😔. I don't know how to help her. She is getting lots of cuddles and reassurance (while trying not to feed into making a big fuss about her arm as I know that would lead to its own problems).

Any advice for how to help DD? It isn't an option to move her. There's only one other local nursery with a crap reputation. Her nursery is fantastic in every other way. She has additional requirements (medical not SEN) that nowhere else would manage. And she loves it there and the staff are amazing. I know their hands are tied though with how much they can do. They've promised to watch the kids closely but I do NOT want my child getting another bite like that one, its truely awful and I've no doubt her arm was very sore after. I'm not a precious parent by any means I promise but was I unreasonable to ask the minders to keep the kids apart? They said they would do their best but can't guarentee which is just making me feel like a shit mum that I'm putting her in this situation. Her behaviour since has just been so out of character, I feel I've let her down.

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TrashKitten10 · 13/08/2021 22:15

Nursery teacher here. So sorry this happened to your DD, biting is the absolute worst. The nursery have a duty of care to your DD and all of the other children and if this child's behaviours are as challenging and frequent as your DD says then just 'trying' to watch him isn't enough. Biting is pretty common in younger children but you say these children are older and I wouldn't expect a typically developing 3-4 year old to still be biting peers, and certainly not to that extend. It sounds like this little boy perhaps has some additional needs which of course isn't his fault but nor should your DD suffer. The nursery need to be pushing for the funding to be able to properly support and supervise him and you shouldn't feel guilty in not wanting your your DD put at risk. I would really make it clear to nursery how much DD has been shaken up by this incident and if anything else were to happen (I really hope of course it doesn't) then you need to ask for a meeting with the nursery manager and make it clear they are not keeping your DD safe and it is having a psychological impact on her.

In the meantime could you work with DD on learning about emotions, how to 'read' how people are feeling and how to manage conflict? Its unlikely (though not implausible) that this little boy bit your DD completely out of the blue. That doesn't mean she provoked him and I'm not blaming your DD at all for what happened, but generally there will be some escalation before a big behaviour incident, whether that involved your DD or if she was just caught in the crossfire. It might help her to be able to understand when others are getting angry and how she could manage this. What does an angry face look like? How might someone behave if they're angry? What could we do if we see one of the children at nursery getting angry? If nursery aren't sticking to this child's side 100% then it will be an advantage to your DD if she can recognise when his behaviour is becoming unsafe and knows to move away and seek help. This boy's behaviour might be too unpredictable for your DD to be able to 'read' but just naming and talking about different emotions might help her with the distress she's feeling right now.

Slomi · 14/08/2021 00:21

@TrashKitten10 Thank you so much for taking the time to write, I really appreciate hearing from a nursery teacher. It did cross my mind that the little boy could have additional needs and of course I want to be understanding of that but it's good to know what my expectations could be for managing it going forward. The manager is a nice woman and approachable so I'm sure I could discuss it with her if god forbid it happens again. I have told nursery of how its affected her. They are sympathetic but its hard not to worry about her being bitten again.

I really like your suggestion of working with DD on recognising emotions, that feels like something positive and practical that we can do together and I think it might be something she would respond well to. I did ask if there had been any build up to the bite or if DD had provoked him (I'm under no illusion that she's always well behaved, she can have her moments like any child) and they said they had not noticed anything at all. But it could easily have been missed of course, they do have multiple kids to look after. Thank you again so much for your advice!

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