Bi-lingual child MIL advice- concerned or normal

[Nc4post99]

So first things first we are a mixed race and mixed culture family with 3 languages. I’m of white European heritage and DH is British Asian. At home we predominantly speak English, but we do have punjabi here and there and french. MIL speaks no English (v v basic my name is… how are you… goodbye) only Punjabi . She looks after dc 1/2 days a week whilst DH and I wfh, never entirely alone.

She’s watched dc for a few months but she’s seen her regularly in our company for over a year (part of bubble). Dc is 2. DC just hasn’t warmed to her as she does with other people, for instance my family, most of whom she hugs and wants to go to even though she’s never met them before. My family are English and french speakers. But also quite soft spoken. MIL by her nature is quite loud and brash. She’s not violent and I know there is nothing sinister going on.

It’s got me wondering, do we think it’s the language that maybe why dc might be a bit unsure? Dc comprehension has always been excellent, well exceeding the ‘norm’ for age. Any other bilingual parents had a similar issue?

Nb. We absolutely want her to learn all 3 languages and immersion from a young age is an excellent way to learn.

I would say it's more so that DC is used to hearing more soft spoken tones rather than the Punjabi language itself. We're also a bilingual household (I'm British Asian, DH is Asian and moved to the UK 7 years ago). We switch between the two languages and DD is okay with hearing it from us, but when she hears the same in louder/abrupt tones from other people she doesn't feel as comfortable around them.

I'd expect it is more to do with her approach and body language and loudness, than the language per se.

My nephews grew up tri lingual, and they simply absorbed the languages from the various adults in their lives. No specific language caused a problem, even though they were dealing with dramatically different grammars and, in one case, a different alphabet. Once they got a grounding in each language, as little boys each of them could hold a conversation simultaneously with the 2 sets of grandparents in each of their native languages, and would drop into the language of the country of their birth to chat to each other.

It's a wonderful thing to be multilingual.

@crochetandcoffeebreaks

I would say it's more so that DC is used to hearing more soft spoken tones rather than the Punjabi language itself. We're also a bilingual household (I'm British Asian, DH is Asian and moved to the UK 7 years ago). We switch between the two languages and DD is okay with hearing it from us, but when she hears the same in louder/abrupt tones from other people she doesn't feel as comfortable around them.

I was wondering that too, and you know how sometimes older women in the culture can be quite loud with it too.

I was wondering if it was a clash of personalities or something or she gives off vibes (if that’s even a thing). Or if maybe she’s not ‘good with kids’? She loves dc very much though. MIL can’t read other so she can’t read her books or anything, so i was wondering if she wasn’t engaging on her level? Sometimes dc sees her and says no and closes the door in her face or won’t really go near her. But you think it’s tone? Xx

"You know how sometimes older women in the culture can be quite loud with it too"

Yep, lets stereotype brown women as usual OP

@KitKatKit

"You know how sometimes older women in the culture can be quite loud with it too"

Yep, lets stereotype brown women as usual OP

Not how I meant it but yeah phrasing was really problematic! Thanks for pointing that out, didn’t mean it in a ‘stereotypical’ or problematic way as I’d say older women on my mothers side are quite loud too, also seems cultural, but my mistake, reads problematic! X

I think it’s great your dc are spending time with your mil and it’s almost a blessing she can’t speak English. Persevere and they will pick up Punjabi so will be connected to part of their heritage. My ILs refused to speak their native language (Arabic) to my dcs from day one on the grounds they wouldn’t understand . I thought that’s what your post would be about.

It's amazing that your DC will be spoken to 100% Punjab by mil, and I'd go so far as to then speak yourself 100% French and dh 100% English to round it out.

Its likely a personality thing than a language thing.

I doubt it's a language thing. Two year olds can react bizarrely to most things including loud sounds.
I'm not sure what to advise but if you are sure the child is safe there then the kid will pick that up from you.
Do you have any subconscious anxiety about not understanding your mil? Could be the kid is picking up on that? Kids are weird that way...

It sure what you mean by older women in the culture. That doesn't come across well.

We're bilingual DH is South African and we have a mix of Xhosa, Zulu but mil speaks English when communicating with the dc. She is quite loud and brash with her tone DC1 does not like noise so he's not really warmed to her. DC2 takes everything in his stride so he's ok with her. Probably to do with mil's approach.

*I'm not it

Rather than the language I think it’s much more likely if mil is the main babysitter that she associates granny coming with mummy and daddy going.

Like how some children cry when they see nursery teachers. They don’t hate the nursery workers they just know it means mum and dad are leaving them.

@Ninkienong

I doubt it's a language thing. Two year olds can react bizarrely to most things including loud sounds. I'm not sure what to advise but if you are sure the child is safe there then the kid will pick that up from you. Do you have any subconscious anxiety about not understanding your mil? Could be the kid is picking up on that? Kids are weird that way...

Maybe, I do find her a bit irritating insofar as she’s refused to accept some of our parenting choices so far, so we’ve had to put some very firm boundaries in place. Nothing huge in the grand scheme of things but, it has been annoying. She was insistent to the point of a dog with a bone about shaving dcs head after birth ( refused to talk to me for a good few weeks because I said no), she’d also put a lot of pressure on dc to finish meals and dc is very stubborn and sensitive to pressure so it didn’t help anything, she just wouldn’t listen. She’s quite critical of me too and ask said off things to extended family members, sort of subtle digs. She’s ok now but because of her past behaviour, we’ll never be close. I’m civil, cordial and chat (where we can), do we think I could be giving off vibes? I’m not particularly close with my extended family that she’s been fine with.

I'd bet money your little one has picked up on that and trusts your instincts .

Clever kid. I'd congratulate her on her fine judgement and reassure both yourself and her that we can't like everyone the same way and that's OK. Your little one will find her own bond with grandma over time. No rush.

Get ready for the mil/granny must have perfect cuddles brigade though. They are definitely of a different opinion...

From a language point of view: keep going. It's great for the kid and you are doing it the best way possible.

I don’t think there’s a ‘mil must have perfect cuddles brigade’ but she can’t be that bad given that she’s been allowed to do the favour of babysitting once or twice weekly.

@Kanaloa

I don’t think there’s a ‘mil must have perfect cuddles brigade’ but she can’t be that bad given that she’s been allowed to do the favour of babysitting once or twice weekly.

Oh yeah she’s not evil but she’s very very set into her ways, she would be part of the perfect cuddle brigade.

She has been quite unkind to me due to the fact I’m outside the culture and quite manipulative of DH but that’s a whole other thread

The point is, it's not about mil.

The kid needs to know its OK to express concern when anxious even when we are not sure of the source of the anxiety.

There's no rush to warm up to granny. It will come with time as long as contact is not stopped.

@Ninkienong

The point is, it's not about mil.

The kid needs to know its OK to express concern when anxious even when we are not sure of the source of the anxiety.

There's no rush to warm up to granny. It will come with time as long as contact is not stopped.

Perhaps, it’s just odd to me that a year of regular contact and dc not warmed to her. Wondered if it was dc not understanding language, but maybe it’s tone instead.

At the end of the day some people don’t click with other people. I well remember being babysat by aunties who were loud and insisted on giving big kisses etc! As long as you don’t feel she is harming your child I wouldn’t worry. Kids don’t need to be besotted with all their relatives but the bond may build with time - or it may not - their relationship is between them and isn’t really any of your business IMO. I try really hard to see it that way, that it’s not my job to curate my kids’ relationships and experiences to be perfect; as long as I keep them safe from abuse and serious harm they can handle having to build relationships with and get on with people who aren’t their favourite. Good practise for having teachers and stuff who they don’t like later on.

Amazing stuff on the multilingual experiences for your child!

Oh FWIW my son HATED my mum from age 1-2. Screamed every time he saw her. I wasn’t so thick skinned then so found it devastating as I knew my mum was upset and we are close. It was even worse as he adored MIL. But he’s now 5.5 and while still closer to MIL he loves going to stay with my parents - he just spend a whole week staying there in the holidays and had a total ball. My 2.5yo has also been screaming at my mum when she sees her but we are now quite chill about it. I think my mum is just trying too hard with the little ones and pushing them to interact with her and they don’t like that, but she’s much more natural with older kids.

MiL takes it very very hard. Often I’m to blame for how she doesn’t respond well to her (blamed on my and my ‘culture’).

We’ve given her tips, you know like engaged and focused play (she needs that or can get a bit destructive), dancing to nursery rhymes (MIL refuses) and taking her outside for walks to the park etc, trying to speak a bit softer to her etc. This has made a slight difference, prior to this it was truly awful and she is the only person she responds this way too.

Ive had a few friends say its quite concerning, especially after such a long period of time. I’m not sure what to think. Like you said @Bluegreen143, practise for later and multi lingual are positives but she is so different with other people, including strangers 🤷‍♀️