GP, Health Visitor, Mental Health wellbeing, Sleep Consultant - what else can I do?

[Corilee2806]

Hi,

Desperately looking for some suggestions of how to make my life even a tiny bit easier although I know there’s no magic answers.

6 month old DS, 2.5 year old DD. DS is ebf, won’t really take a bottle and won’t have formula and has fed every 2-3 hours round the clock since birth and I’m exhausted, and my mental health is on the floor. Have suffered with low mood and anxiety alternately since May. Really trying to make things better so I can be a better mum to my children and in order I’ve tried seeking support from:

1. DH and family, all doing as much as they can around work and other commitments
2. mental health wellbeing service who put me on a CBT course which was like doing homework - no time to fit in
3. found myself a local Mums Matter course run by Mind, with a network of other mums going through similar
4. got a sleep consultant to help us try and get DS sleeping better in last few weeks, her techniques basically started off as gentle support which didn’t work and ended up with controlled crying - so I abandoned this and having to accept regular night waking for now
5. HV - no useful suggestions, someone is supposedly going to contact me
6. GP - sympathised and said I’m doing all I can, doesn’t want to prescribe medication as really I just need sleep so just have to keep on muddling through. Said I should go back to the well-being service who discharged me when I said I couldn’t manage the CBT.

Have I missed anything? I feel like I’ve really tried every avenue and while I know I may not get sleep for a while I just don’t know how to make life easier and to cope in the meantime. I’m trying the acceptance and repeating ‘it’s not forever’ over and over but I feel like I’m just existing at the moment and not enjoying my lovely children.

I know it’s not supposed to be easy but I didn’t think it would be this hard!

My DD - second child was EBF
She fed three hourly night and day - I was also going back to work at 8 months
I learnt to feed laying down so at least I was horizontal

I did the pantley pull off method to stop the feeding to sleep at around this age ie 6 months - that helped a bit as she could self settle

I then at 10 months dropped all night feeds by doing gradual retreat with her - it was really hard but it was a gentler type of sleep training

It’s very tough

Did you abandon sleep training because you didn’t want to do controlled crying? It worked for us so I’d recommend sticking with it, but I know that’s not for everyone.

Have you tried a short term night nanny to give you a break?

Honestly I gave up breastfeeding and did controlled crying about this time. I was due back at work and needed the sleep. My son is happy and healthy and 2.5.

My DH took our bottle refusing constantly waking baby overnight Saturday nights from 8 months, so she is night weaned on Saturdays. You could do that, coming in just once to feed (probably all they need). I have found this is what helped ease her sleep associations. My DH rocks and cuddles her back to sleep.

Also, your problem solving and self care is bloody awesome. You’re doing great!

Thanks all for your replies, i made some progress with the sleep training in that he no longer feeds to sleep so he is a little less dependent on me - but he still wants to feed at nearly every night wake up. We did the gradual retreat method which has got us so far in that he falls asleep in his cot but after two weeks he’s still not very happy about it. Controlled crying was the next step but it was too much for me and him - he actually has started getting nosebleeds we assume because he is crying more. I was really anxious about sleep training anyway but felt it was the right thing for us as a family overall. Maybe we can try again in a few months and try some gentle night weaning.

I would love a night nanny, even just for a few nights. Perhaps I could look into it again although I remember when I looked before they were quite booked up.

Do I just need to tell my DH he needs to try and do more in the night for a bit? I feel so sorry for him as he can’t really solve what he wants! But short term pain for long term gain etc.

@pjani thanks! I kind of wish I could just let it drop and just accept the next few months will be crap but I want to try all i can, plus I think post natal mental health support is crap! You just get passed around the houses.

With my DS3 who was similar and I was in a similar state to you.
I co slept (which I hated) but did mean I got more a little but of sleep.
DH got up at 5am and took the baby so I got 3 hours undisturbed ( no one touching me) sleep. Wear ear plugs and eye mask.
My mum/ friend /sister came every other day in the afternoon and took the kids out for 1.5-2 hours so I could sleep.
I went to bed at 7pm with my toddler and DH kept baby downstairs till first waking.
I weaned at 1 year but it didn't really help the sleep but did mean DH and I could do night about.

My daughter was similar to this, co-sleeping and feeding her lying down was the only way I could cope with the lack of sleep. She's 10 months now and we have 2-3 wake ups a night which I can cope with fine. She sleeps on a floor mattress and on bad nights I just sleep with her. This might not be something you want to do, but she did seem to get a lot better around 7-8 months so hopefully it will get easier for you too soon

I was co sleeping and feeding lying down before but it wasn’t working well, I felt like I was constantly being mauled and he needed to feed all night especially after about 4am. But with the failed sleep training I think things are now worse! I totally relate to needing a few hours of sleep in the bed alone, not being touched. My husband is pretty good at doing early mornings too so that can be helpful, but he’s also been attempting to do a bit of night settling (rarely successful) so less sleep all round!

It’s fucking hard but gets better. I survived by going to bed at the same time as the toddler every night and cosleeping and having catch up naps at the weekend. Until your youngest is 3 just focus on surviving.

My friend who was in a similar position got her partner to discuss all night wakings and on the 4th night baby sleepy through.

Annoyingly I can't try it myself as partner us disabled but it makes sense to me that this would work. Baby is waking up because they want to BF and if they stop expecting it then there's a good chance they'll stop waking.

do all night wakings