Reaction to baby crying

[KateEC91]

I am Mum to an almost 18 month little boy and for most of the past 18 months, I have tortured myself over my reaction to his crying. It triggered postnatal depression for me as I cannot get past our first night in hospital together.
I was in a ward with 6 other women and their babies and at one point in the night, when I couldn’t settle my son and was feeling total overwhelm, I felt this rage. I put him in his hospital cot and lay back on my bed but I can’t get over it. I could hear other Mums cooing over their newborns seemingly unbothered by their crying, as I wish I had been, but it really provoked an anger in me. This sparked post natal depression as I was convinced that I was a monster, a terrible mother, obviously didn’t love her own baby and had ruined our first precious moments together.
If my son ever hurts himself or is scared, his crying is absolutely heartbreaking to me and I’ll do anything to comfort him and make him better. My issue back when he was a baby and sometimes now was the crying that I couldn’t find a reason for which seemed constant. I also used to feel angry if I couldn’t get him to go to sleep at night which again, I feel absolutely horrendous about.
I had these movie-like views of what I would be like as a Mum. I would be kind and calm and loving and patient. I feel like most of the time, I grit my teeth through tantrums and can’t wait for bedtime. My reactions of anger surprise me because aside from time of the month, I was never an angry person. Now it can strike any time and is shocking to me. The guilt that follows is neverending too. I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever get past feeling anger at my own newborn crying. That one night determines how I think of myself as a parent.
Has anyone experienced anything similiar? I feel like I do most things really well as a parent and to an outsider I look completely normal. I feel like I’m just carrying around this secret with me that crying makes me really angry :(

You had PND none of this is your fault. You sound like a great mother. I'm pregnant with my first and I'm really worried about this happening as it happens way more than people talk about. Don't beat yourself up it wasn't your fault xx

OP, yes, I have experienced similar. When you are exhausted from lack of sleep, insessant crying for no reason from a baby can send one over the edge. You are definitely not the only one feeling these emotions. It's a lot more common than you think, sometimes it's just not talked about.

The key thing is what you do during those flashes of anger. You need to dissociate your emotions from your actions. Pop the baby in a safe place and step away (but you know that already). In those moments, I give my baby a kiss (I found this the most grounding action), put him in a safe place, and take 5 mins to regroup.

I read a really interesting thing about sometimes the way we react to our children is the way our parents reacted to us. This was true for me. When my son was crying in the hospital, I felt very helpless and frustrated with very little sleep, I was there for 5 days as the baby was poorly. I didn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. The thing is, I felt anger at her for crying but it was more a feeling of helplessness that I'd never experienced. I was completely out of my depth and comfort zone. I realise it's ok to have these internal feelings and what matters is what's happening in the present, which I know is easier said than done. Be kind to yourself.

I know exactly how you feel. I am quite a calm and happy person, never really get angry about stuff. But there have been several times where baby has cried for long periods at night where I feel such a rage inside me that it scares me a little and I don't recognise myself. It doesn't make me a bad mum, just like you put baby back in the cot and took 5, I know to put baby down and go and make myself a cup of tea before I'm ready to try again. It's not a feeling I enjoy, but I don't feel guilty about it, I think it's just a combination of sleep deprivation and frustration. Be kind to yourself, sounds like your doing a great job.

It's normal to feel rage and anger. Thing is, we haven't evolved to parent, most especially mother, in the isolation of small family units. It's too much for our nervous systems.
Look up maternal rage. It's not you, or the baby, it's the situation.

OP I'm sending you the biggest hug! You are not a terrible mother, the very fact you've posted this shows how much you care about your baby. I know exactly how you feel as I have had moments of the same. My little girl is 6 weeks and there have been times, in the early hours of the morning when I'm delirious from sleep deprivation, that I have felt angry and annoyed with her when she's crying. It is tough! And this is something, is others have said, I don't think is spoken enough about. But it IS normal! My health visitor and midwife said the same thing - that the best thing to do, as it seems you have done, is put them down somewhere safe and secure and take 5/10 mins to calm down. My partner and I have also spoken openly about how tough we've found it, and how at times we've both felt anger and frustration with our girl. Sending hugs to you, you're doing great

I RELATE. I had a bad response to my baby son crying as well. I have never responded well to loud noises, i jump at cars driving past etc. They give me flight/ fight reaction.

BUT -

I found using ear protectors when i could feel it driving me nuts helps a lot. I just got a cheap pair from homebase. You can also use headphones but they're not nearly as good but will help in a pinch. Anything to lower the scream pitch is good. It makes me a better mum since the sound isn't 'controlling' me.

Just make sure you only use them when you're dealing with your baby. It can be dangerous to ignore your baby's sounds outside of that.

These live in my bedside table. So when baby wakes and night and I'm trying to get him back to sleep!

This bad boys are protectors of my mental health!