Really can't take no more

[Bobsyaunkle]

I'm posting here cause I don't know anyone I can talk to about the way I feel in RL.

I feel head fucked, so angry all the time and my patience is non existent, like the smallest things make me mad or want to cry. I'm just so tired.
I don't want to deal with my flat, the kids or the dogs.
I make myself which then makes me angrier inside if that even makes sense. I know they have to be done. I love a tidy place but it can never be tidy because of how much traffic is in it for such a small place and I feel like I'm always doing housework and get mad when it all gets tipped upside down so have to redo it etc i know it's normal and I tell myself it doesn't have be clean and tidy all the time but i have to do it makes me angry that it's not which then 10x a day mad cleaning up.

I have a big age gap between two kids (10yrs) second was born few days after lockdown partner was in work the following week. He does help but not often it's when I'm about to explode he will lift a finger for a few days to a week then it's back to normal 😞
I barely do anything with the youngest i tried baby group and i just feel awkward and as if people judge you I'm not very good at talking/socialising never have been.. (don't have an awful lot to say) don't have many friends i don't know how to make a friend.. my biggest issue is trusting someone. A true friendship needs trust and I don't have that. And the couple i do have i barely talk to or make an effort both sides not just me. They're more like associates .
I feel bad for my kids, eldest gets the brunt of it and they're hard work themselves which i get sad about because i think I'm failing them, and youngest i just don't know what to do with them half the time. Theyre stil bf too which is getting a bit much tbh especially outside. Screams blue murder try distraction, food etc but once it's reached the point of no return it's hard and embarrassing.
One thing that keep popping in my head is drugs, yes i know very bad. But couple of years ago i was starting to become dependent on coke and when i thought i may be pregnant i stopped got tested and was so never touched it since but i deeply crave it. I haven't told a single soul of this because obviously it's fucking terrible. I hid it very well.
I have no qualifications no degrees been in work for the last 6 years until bein made redundant in June. Due to covid. No savings no life insurance i just feel like i don't have my shit together
I'm sorry I've gone from one thing to another but i sometimes wish i could just go to bed and not wake up. I don't know what I'm hoping for writing this just that someone knows how im feeling.... how sad! I don't want to talk to a Dr because all they want to do is give me anti depressants and i fear it goes on my record that I'm a mental mum not exactly those words i don't see how a tablet can make me feel better about life.

Thanks if you got this far

Hopeful bump for you

You mentioned you don't want to see a doctor, but please please please consider it again. Caring for your mental health is more than just getting prescribed antidepressants (which might not suit you anyway). From my experience, it's more about getting the resources that will help you more easily survive daily life, be that via therapy, antidepressants or a combination of both. Once you are not on the brink of breaking down, you can work from there. I don't want to sound preachy but getting help completely changed my life a few years ago and I wish I had gotten the nerve up to talk to the GP much earlier.

I know lots of women on ADs. It doesn't make them "mental", and they don't have a bad reputation for it. Better to be a mum on ADs, than one who is taking out her depression on her family, contemplating taking drugs, and fantasizing about dying.

I think it's natural to want a clean and tidy place especially when you have a crawling or toddling baby. I found my baby loved going round the house doing housework with me. But you are right it is endless.

I would be most concerned at the moment about the impact on your ten year old. Can you try and find some quality time? Read together or watch a movie together when you're breastfeeding or between babys bedtime and older DCs bedtime. I find the more I invest in quality time with my 11 y.o. the more i get back. Also they are quite lazy at this age, so giving them a list of chores to do and enforcing it is sensible

It will get better OP, always hard with a little baby. But it might get better more quickly if you see a GP about ADs. Feeling like you want to die, is no way to live.

@PennyWus

A very sensible and kind poster

The advice given is spot on.

Pp have given better responses than I could but just wanted to say don’t give up - you deserve to feel better than this. Is it not worth a try to seek the help you need from the doctor than just carry on like this.

I have a baby and a toddler and I do understand the craving for some peace and order. Its a very small thing but is there any small area of your home you can make tidy & nice and retreat there when you need some mental space rather than always worrying about the whole flat. Not a room - mine is just my side of the bed & a little table but with the bed made and a small cheap lamp and a nice mug (or whatever you have) at least I can relax there for 10 mins without looking at mess.

Thank you for your replys,

The thing with the Dr is there is so much stigma growing up i looked up to my dad now it's the complete opposite as i realise what kind of person he is and one of those things was slating any one who had to go to the drs for ad etc even my partner doesnt "understand how people can be depressed"?
I don't even kno where i would start when booking it in. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and if i told the drs what i told you
guys surely they would involve SS?
@PennyWus i feel the same about my 11 yo and I do try the other day we had a day out just us for the first time in 16 months it was really nice. But they are a handful we clash a lot, they have real bad temper issues which I'm assuming is my fault and it's too late to make any kind of difference. Younger one is used to it too imo. I try to be better mum for them but i honestly tell myself I'm not cut out for it , it's like I don't know what to do and say to them, I love them to pieces and feel sad they have me as their mum.