Please help me, im in such a fuddle.....

[QueenofVenus]

Im drowning under a desperate desperate need to have another baby, its consuming my every day, but i havent told dp, we have 3 dc already of 7, nearly 5, and just turned 2, but i so badly desire more children, i LOVE being a mummy and i cant bear the thought of not having more the major problem not only being that dp doesnt know i feel this way, that and if i were to ask him he would say no, i know that much, but he had the snip last year!! so its not likely to happen, but what do i do? how on earth do i stop this very very overwhelming desperate need to have another baby?? HELP!!

Um, enjoy what you've got?

You sound like the dog in Aesop's fable who sees his reflection with a bone in its mouth, thinks, I want that bone & drops it in the water.

You have 3 children. Enjoy them.

You need to speak to your dh about it. Keeping a secret that you think about all day long and is causing you so much heartache is not going to do anything for the marriage.

He probably will say that he is not keen. Having the snip is a bit of a give away. But you should still talk about it.

thanks pigleto, i do need to talk to him, i know, i just cant gather the courage to, i know how silly that sounds but im scared he'll be annoyed at me. He thinks that im happy to stick to 3 as i was last year when he had the snip, but im not now and as mumblechum so nicely pointed out i should be happy with what i have got, it hasnt anything to do with my other children - of course i love them, more then anything, but i just cant help how i feel.

Yes, share with DH. But I guess you have to accept that he won't share your feelings. Reversing a vasectomy isn't easy and a big step to take. And it will pass. I felt very very broody for a long while after DS#2 was born but it eased. I can now look at a newborn and actually think 'very nice but I'm soooo glad it' not mine'. Had a few twinges when he started school recently but I still knew I didn't want anymore.

You can't expect to be rational about hormones. It is just a very strong feeling that you can't help. I don't think having another child will make the feeling go away either you know, it will just put it off for a while.

I would also suggest that you try to distinguish sadness at not having any more babies from sadness at your LOs growing up and moving beyond the baby stage. They are different but IME it can feel the same.

Could it be that you want another one because you know that you can't have one???

I think that is quite common. You know that it is sensible to not have another, and you love the ones you have, can you be content???

Try to remember the reasons that made you think it was a good idea last year and remind yourself why.

Do you think that maybe the fact that you can't have any more (easily anyway), is making you want them more?

Yeah i think your right about that pigleto, i would probablt be the same again in a few years and i couldnt keep having kids forever could i!!!!
I did feel that way Ormirian, up until about a 6+ months ago, and its just getting worse and worse, im doing my best to ignore it and convince myslef its just because we agreed our last would be our last, and you always want what you cant have and all that. I just cant help myself i almost burst into tears when i see a newborn baby, and my friend told me she is pregnant again with her 5th baby and i went home and blubbed like a mad-woman! My dp has a very good job and we have a nice big house so we can accomodate more, but i know he doesnt want more, and he sometimes says, "i agreed to 3 you should count yourself lucky i did that much" which kind of makes you feel like he's done me a favour and i shouldnt push my luck! hmmm - i should maybe go out and get a hobby huh??

Ooops!

Actually getting a hobby or doing a class or something might remind you how nice it is to be able to do adult things without the children.
I don't know if I will always feel like this, but dd2 is now 16 mths old, and I like the fact that she isn't attached to me anymore and other eople can have her and I can do adult things occasionally.

BandofMothers, MaureenMLovesmincepies, thanks i do think you are probably right, one minute i was excited about having my first baby and now all of a sudden that baby is 7, and i have 2 more and they are all pretty much getting to a 'do my own thing' stage.

Hmmmm, yeah a hobby, other adults, there is life after having babies, there is life after having babies, there is life after having babies, i will keep saying until i can stop myself feeling like i need to single-handedly re-populate the entire planet!

You need to weight up the pros and cons then. You said you're just starting to get your life back, do you really want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights again? Nature crushed my ability to have anymore children too and I get the same sometimes, but dd is 12 now and life is sooo much easier! I look at some of my friends who still have little ones and I'm secretly glad I'm not there anymore! I still really miss the baby stage, but its all through rose coloured glasses. I love looking after other peoples little ones, but I ain't half glad when they go home!

The planet is vastly overpopulated already, but i, but it could definately do with some more wonky ceramic pots, or badly crocheted doilies

Have you thought about fostering?

Message withdrawn

I agree that time passing so quickly makes it much harder. I have a 10yr old who until very recently gave me huge hugs in front of his mates at school. Not any more and he like doing things without us now and sulks if we make him stay with us . I have an 8yr old DD who has been Miss Independent since she was out of nappies. And an adorable 4yr old who has just started school. And I look at them and I can't beleive that a mere 11 yrs ago I was looking forward to birth no1.

Can you also remember that whilst you desire a baby and look at your "grown up" children you may catch yourself in five years time recognizing that you missed some of their loveliest years.
I have a 14 year old , an eleven year old and a five year old and my DH too has had the snip.
the desire for another baby does not go away - I still can hardly bear to be near new borns because the desire for another can be so intense. But I am too old and my kids need my attention and to stretch our resources and my attention yet again would be all about me and not about those four other people i am supposed to love!
I am not trying to sound harsh but my middle son has profound special needs and if i have learnt one thing it is to value and cherish what you have not pine for the 'what ifs'.
I am also tryin to suggest that just because you desperately desire baby number four doesn't mean that you would not then find yourself desperately craving number five.
It is surely about balancing your desires with an appreciation of hwat you all have together and a recognition that our wants and needs are not always the same thing.
Honestly not being trite about this desire for another child but I also believe that we are able to rationalise our emotions and control them , maybe with some sadness and regret but just because we really crave something does not mean it is something that we should have.