Listen to dh or give some tough love?

[Listenkid]

My ds18 has begun his initial 6months basic training in the army. Just for background, my ds has been bone idle for the last 18months he hasn't worked, applied for college, he has sat on his arse watching but generally very positive and can't wait to get stuck in. Day 7 arrives and 3 days since he says he wants to come home he cant cope with the lessons, my ds is dyslexic so he does struggle with reading, writing etc I encouraged him to ask for support. For 3 days he said he would but hadn't so I rang up as we was asked to if we had concerns, I explained his struggles etc,, they said they would support him and speaking to my ds after he said he felt better knowing he would get more support. I fear I have mollycoddled him too much whereby he won't fight for himself and what he needs to succeed. I think he has hit abit of a wall, in 18 years this is the longest he has spent away from home and is tired homesick etc ( he insists that's not the case).

I asked dh today to encourage him to stick it out (he's 10 days in and has no job no college or anything to come back too if he decides to quit as today he feels unwell and may still choose to walk away.) My dh response was no let him quit if that's what he wants no one encouraged me to stick it out. (Dh joined the TA at 18 and left before training was complete and has walked aways from numerous jobs for silly reasons over the years). I'm so angry with him for not wanting ds to accomplish the only goal he has had for years it's all he has talked about for months on end, and I'm at a loss as to why he won't give him any encouragement. I think he needs tough love dh thinks I should just leave him to it. Ds doesn't tell dh he is thinking of the throwing the towel in he just says that to me.
I know it's hard physically, mentally and emotionally, but should I let him walk away knowing he will regret it or cut the apron strings and tell him to man up, this is what he wanted and now he's there he needs to do his best to reach the end.

That's was so long sorry I hope it all makes some sort of sense

Oh dear looks like not only have the paragraphs disappeared but abit half of the 1st one .

My ds18 has begun his initial 6months basic training in the army. Just for background, my ds has been bone idle for the last 18months he hasn't worked, applied for college, he has sat on his arse watching netflix all day and going out with friends all night. He is helpful and will do chores around the house.

We dropped him off at the barracks last Sunday all was well for the 1st 6 days abit bored but generally very positive and can't wait to get stuck in.

Encourage him to stay. Nothing worth having is easy. My dd1 is 25 and works internationally now. Many many times she said the training was hard, lonely when she was stuck in a hotel room on a different continent.

But she isn't a quitter. She loves her career and it took her a long bloody slog to get where she is now.

Last year she came very very close to taking redundancy so she could come back to the U.K as she was basically stuck in an apartment unable to leave because of extremely tough restrictions and extremely lonely and her TV broke and couldn't get it replaced! But she stuck it out and is back to enjoying life again.

Tell him - nothing worth having is easy

Also I put money on it when if he comes home he won't get a job either.

I agree with you, keep supporting him to stay! Unfortunately it looks like your DH has modelled the ‘give up when it gets hard’ but your attitude will serve him so much better. Keep problem solving with him, step by step. This is the hard bit! If he can get through it, this may really help boost his confidence and aid his maturity and resilience.

The paragraphs are there!

Your DS seems to get many of his 'traits' from your DH.

You sound like you have Mollycoddled him quite a bit & enabled him to laze around doing nothing fir 18 months...

I think you do need to tell him to stop being a drama llama and just get on with it

this is what he wanted and now he's there he needs to do his best to reach the end

This is what he needs to hear. At the very least 'it's fine if you want to Chuck it all in, even though I believe you'll regret it. But you need to have a Uni place, a job or something to go straight to, you're not coming home to load around again'

Enabling him to do that is not helping HIM.

Lots of people have a wibble during training, the staff will be used to it and know how to support them. I'm not sure when the points during training you can leave are now, but there used to be one further in he could view as a safety net. I agree that having someone at home who's attitude is well just jack it in isn't useful, especially as from what you've said it's not that DS doesn't want to do it, but is finding it hard?

Strongly encourage him to stick it out. I would tell him if he comes home it is on the condition that he either finds a job or attends college and that will be harder for him than following his dream. Try and encourage him to at least give it a full month otherwise he will always think, what if.

On the other side of it my dd is like this and isn't neurotypical. She had a late diagnosis at 15 and 16 of adhd and asd. I wonder if your son could have something else going on. What you said about your dh rings a bell too.
DD couldn't cope with her college course last year, luckily we got her on a special course with lots of support but she has applied for a different course this year and im not sure she will manage it.

Some adhd traits too?

Often co-morbid with dyslexia... sounds like me. Genetic too!

I agree with making him stick it out. I can see where he gets his shitty work ethic from. With his record for laziness I have no idea why he thought this would be the career for him. But as it is, he’s there now. He has absolutely no other prospects and nothing to fall back on. If he’s not given yet another easy way out, this could actually be the making of him.

Do you think that the reason ds hadn't mentioned it to his dad is because he knows he will encourage him to give up and what he really wants is to hear "yes it's hard but you can do this, stick with it?" and that's why he's talking to you?

This stands out to me:

"Ds doesn't tell DH he is thinking of the throwing the towel in he just says that to me."

Your DS is aware of how you both work/think. I wouldn't be surprised if he avoids taking important issues to his dad because he's worried that he'll help him fail rather than succeed. It sounds like he's sharing his worries about this with you because he wants your support to enable him to persevere. If he really wanted permission to bow out, he'd approach his father instead, wouldn't he?

In the absence of any other significant issues, I'd keep encouraging him to succeed and ensuring that he knows how to get the support he needs. That isn't 'tough love' imo; it's just committed and supportive parenting.

Ah Needapoodle, great minds, eh?

It's really hard to hear your child is having a tough time. But I'd agree with a pp, he's saying this to you because you will listen and not tell him to chuck it in.

I don't think you need to think of this as 'tough love' as I'd see this as basic support tbh. 'Sounds hard, I think you're probably in one of the worst bits, is there anything coming up that you're looking forward to, is there someone you can ask about it, this will get better, keep talking, I'm listening.' Thats not tough love - I think you can rely on the army to do that bit!

Dh joined the TA at 18 and left before training was complete and has walked aways from numerous jobs for silly reasons over the years

Your DH is never going to encourage him to push through something hard, as quitting is his default setting.

I think you are right in telling him to stay and work at it. What's the overall length?

Thank you all for your replies.

You can leave up to the 4th week without having to give notice. Phase 1 is 12 weeks and phase 2 is 16 weeks so 28 weeks in total.

I 100% agree with all of you, he absolutely needs something to move on to immediately if he decides to leave, I think if his dad recieved the same encouragement I want to give my son then my dh would have achieved so much more than he has to date.
There is so much for him to look forward to and he is excited about so much of it.
I will be continuing supporting him believing this is what he needs and wants.
I think also dh maybe slightly jealous ds is doing something he wishes he could of done.
My ds shares alot with me his worries, friendship troubles, his plans etc we are close and would seek my approval to walk away rather dh I think, but at the same time I think he isn't saying any of these things to dh for fear of disappointing him.

Your son needs to follow through. I think you really have babied him, and it has clearly done him no favours. It's time he grows up.

I don’t think it would disappoint your DH, it sounds like he’d be pleased if DS quit, it would confirm that Army life is really hard/not for the likes of us.

I would give him a deadline. He needs to stay and properly give it a go; nothing is perfect and nothing feels right immediately. I know he’s never had a new job before, but most people have an ‘I hate this/ what have I done?’ moment in the first few days.