Hi everyone,
Sorry this is long.
Looking for some opinions before I go even more bonkers than I feel I already am.
Very recently diagnosed with post natal depression. Not surprising to me as I have felt terrible for weeks and weeks now and did nothing about it.
I have a 29 month old and a 5 month old. My 2 year old has been quite challenging since the beginning of the year. Typical boy really, jumps about mad and has started to become a bit destructive in the house if not enough stimulation. Spoke to health visitor and she said she has no concerns developmentally and that she feels he is just a clever little boy who needs a lot of stimulation. Stimulation I just don't have the time to give. As I am off on maternity leave I can't really afford to send him to nursery, well certainly not a private one anyway until I go back to work (January).
My 5 month old is (now) a happy chappy (mostly) but gets bored easily and likes attention quite a lot. In the earlier days he was quite a tough baby and had colic/reflux bothering him. That doesn't seem to be the case now but nevertheless I wouldn't really call him a content baby. This last week he has been fighting sleep like no other. And one evening had me up every 50 minutes. This was after I had received my second covid jab and was terribly unwell the next day. He is breastfed and not sure if he felt any affects of the jab and that's why his sleep was so bad.
Anyway, come Monday I wake up after having been up every 50 minutes. Within 30 minutes of being up my toddler has destroyed my house and throwing tantrums left right and centre. My 5 month old just would not settled cried all morning and nothing was soothing him. I imagine still tired from night before.
At that point I had enough and called my husband histercial. Asking him to come home and I was having a panic attack on the phone call. He became really quite defensive and make snide comments about how he would need to take a week off work and we would now need to get someone else to decorate the house this week (as he was planning on doing it). This got my back up and immediately made me angry and I said a lot to him that I regret. I said I hated him and was done with him. I have since apologised.
I also explained that I am finding it really tough never having a single minute to myself...ever. my toddler goes to grandparents to stay on a Friday evening but I am still left with baby and up all night feeding normally. I am starting to resent my husband as he goes to work, goes to the gym every second day and at the weekend I usually take the kids out myself one day to let him have some chill time as he is out working all week.
Never once does he offer to take both the kids to give me an hour to myself. Never.
Is this even normal? It's now 9pm and I have not sat down all day and I mean all day. I am literally running myself into the ground. I constantly look grey and never have make up on or do my hair and I just feel so beyond low.
My week is made up of looking after the kids, taking them to their classes, visiting relatives, house work and making sure my husband gets time to himself but I am just so over it now.
I don't even know why I am writing this actually, maybe just want to get it all out.
My husband says I constantly put him down, but if I am honest I don't think I do. All I ever want is a shoulder to cry on when I have a meltdown and someone to offer me an hour to myself every now and again. Is that too much to ask for?
I absolutely adore my kids and don't ever want to be without them and love being with them but just an hour every so often.......argh!!