Children hate me

[Lucycantdance]

I have DS 7 and DS 4. I have always struggled with self esteem as a mum, was well as juggling my career as a lawyer part time. Doesn’t help that DH is the best person in the world and by comparison I just feel crap. We have always split everything very equally so of course the world thinks the sun shines out of his arse whereas I am just lazy (FIL implied this in an argument once). DS 7 had an outburst at me tonight. I feel like I’m the shit parent and DH is just the fun awesome one who they love and want. Am I alone? Is this normal? Doesn’t help I’m not naturally into cricket etc which they play with DH 24/7 in the lounge. Why is life so freaking hard.

I don't think they really hate you, it's just easier to lash out at the parent who tries to enforce good behaviour, eating fresh veg, doing homework, chores etc. Even my 20 year old muttered under his breath yesterday about 'finding a new family' after I mildly reproached him for leaving his plate in the sitting room .

The best advice, not always easy I know, is to try to rise above it, don't let them see that you care, act breezily and disinterested ... sounds corny but make sure you have time for yourself and your own interests and hobbies, don't allow your self esteem to come from your family.

This is my life.

It's so hard when the other parent does what I think is effectively 'parental alienation' on you.

My DP acts like a lone parent (he was raised by one). It's like it's just not on his radar how to co parent. So I'm pushed out.

People keep telling me it's a phase but mine are older than yours and it's just got worse.

You give up so much as a mum but if a dad is merely mediocre he gets endless praise.

I don't know what to say, I've no solution and I've never found anyone who understands because it's so customary in our culture for the mum to be the 'lead parent'.

Katherine Ryan once said she was a crap mum, but as a father she was smashing it out the park. I think we put so much pressure on mothers and it's crap. Personally I try to judge myself and my husband as parents rather than in gendered roles, I don't have to do everything and he's perfectly capable of doing the dull stuff. It helps that he's on board and has turned into quite the feminist over time.

I also don't feel the kids have to like me. Dh is more fun, I'm less likely to agree to spending money or playing with them or whatever. But I'm there when the chips are down, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the fixer of problems, the calm in the storm. Even though I lose my shit when they're being lazy and messy they love me. They don't have to like me all the time.

It will get easier, mine are teens and we have actual conversations and our relationships are much easier now.

These comments have already made me feel better.

@felulageller you have summed up how I feel. DH is a lovely man and perfect dad but he parents on his terms. I think we really need to work on this. I always feel like the odd one out.

@wonderstuff never thought about it like that before.

Meh, my kids always think dad is more fun and I'm the boring, sensible one. I'm fine with that. But when they're hurting or upset, they want me.

My DH always acknowledges how much I do for the kids and that I am the more active parent. He also always points this out to the DC. We do our best to never undermine one another, even though we might have different opinions on something.