Struggling to help my shy toddler

[bananas88]

My son is 16 months old and is happy and relaxed at home. But when we go out he often can’t cope with social situations and I hate to see him upset!

Sometimes we bump into friends, and other times strangers randomly come up and make a fuss of him and he gets really upset and often starts crying. The friends/strangers then feel bad and think they’ve done something to upset him!

Is this normal behaviour for a child his age - and how can I build his confidence around friends/strangers and make him more comfortable?

He goes to a childminder part of the week and is happy around other small children. It’s just adults he’s unsure of!

Any advice?

No advice as my 15 month old DD is the same I hope somebody has some solutions to help as it makes me sad to see her so upset.

I think it could well be normal behaviour for a child who has spent so much of their life in lockdown, how much interaction has he had with adults? If he’s fine at home and fine with other children he may just feel overwhelmed by an adult zooming in on him, he may feel crowded.

I suppose you could take him to friends or relatives but ask them to not make a fuss so he can get used to them just being there and see how he copes with that?

how much interaction has he had with adults?

He’s had a decent amount, lockdown permitting! Though not half as much as he would have done in normal times probably. If I arrange to meet friends he will often cry at first then settle down. But when we bump into people randomly for 5 mins or talk to strangers, he will burst into tears and they’ve gone by the time he’s relaxed again!

I wouldn’t worry my son was the same, just don’t push him too much. I think there are few few people really comfortable in new situations/new people

My son is 6 now and is confident but his preference for camps/clubs is if he knows someone, but then I think that’s most people’s preferenced.

My daughter however…crikey she’ll talk to anyone…!

My daughter was assessed as selective mute around 2.5/3yo with similar signs from very early on. Realistically though, he's grown up in a very small world due to the pandemic and the hustle and bustle must be unsettling to them so there will be lots in the same position unfortunately.

The advice we were given by the psychologist was to - explain what's going on e.g. where you're going, who you'll meet etc reassure him that you're there for them and definitely don't say they're shy as it puts him on the spot - if he isn't comfortable then just tell people who approach that he doesn't feel like chatting today.

The advice we were given by the psychologist was to - explain what's going on e.g. where you're going, who you'll meet etc reassure him that you're there for them and definitely don't say they're shy as it puts him on the spot

Thank you… sounds like great advice for an older child but I just don’t think he’ll understand at his age!

My current way of dealing with it is just to scoop him up for a big cuddle when he starts crying - I’m not sure what else I can do!

My DD is the same. She's a couple of months older. I find like you that she settles down fine when with friends after initially being unsure and upset as she sees the way I am relaxed and confident. So keep modelling for him that people aren't scary by smiling and being relaxed. He'll get there. With the short stranger interactions, I try to get in before they get right in her face with the 'cute' baby voice and say, 'it's probably best if you ignore her and talk to me until she gets used to you'. It doesn't always work but it at least gives the other person the heads up. A couple of months of this and she's getting much more confident. She still won't usually say hello but when we move away she starts yelling 'bye!'

Children understand far far more than we give them credit for. My older son was very shy. Would get upset in company. I put no pressure on him. He had to say hello, please and thank you. And a few basic pleasantries. I let him be. He’s almost ten. Talks nonstop. Just did a sports summer camp away from home (we are in the US). He’s still shy and quiet but nothing like the toddler he was.
Just work with his personality and always reassure. I used to tell him where we were going, what we were doing. Keep the language simple and reinforce it.

You'd be surprised how much he takes in, even at 16 months you can communicate your plans to him and keep reassuring him. We had to do this from about a year as mine wouldn't even stay with her Dad who's always lived with us without howling until then 🤔

As hard as it is, try not to automatically scoop him up and hug him. Doing that will reinforce the need/want to hide himself (I speak from experience here!) Instead try to step in before he gets upset and distract him until he calms down.