Perinatal OCD or rational anxiety … or both?

[rachelrainbow]

I have written on here a couple of times, but I am in a very bad place and don’t know where to turn.

My dd is nearly 10mo and, after a very anxiety-inducing pregnancy with recurrent reduced movements, a traumatic birth and then jaundice, feeding problems and 6 months of very little sleep, I have become obsessed with her developmental milestones. My specific obsession is an immense feeling that my daughter has autism and will be non-verbal.

She’s smashing her physical milestones but I feel she’s not quite right on a social/communicative level. She doesn’t mimic or imitate, make any gestures such as clapping or waving, follow my gaze when I point and I just generally feel like she is disinterested in people. It breaks my heart to admit, I don’t feel like we have a strong bond because she’s so vacant sometimes.

Every moment I spend with her, I worry about our future as a family. I have worked with children with autism in the past and I know they can live happy and fulfilling lives so, even if this is our future, my anxiety is totally irrational. I know this. But I just can’t shake it. I read old mumsnet forums about autism all day. I watch youtube videos. I am obsessed and it’s too big for me to deal with.

I don’t know what to do. I know I need some support with my mental health. Then I remember the phrase … ‘just because you’re paranoid, doest mean they’re not after you’. What if I am losing my mind and she has additional needs? Sorry. I am rambling now xx

Hi Rachel I'm sorry so you are having such a hard time, I think you have two problems here which you need to deal with separately. You could speak to your health visitor about your concerns over your DDs development, they will have seen many children her age so they can compare better than you can and let you know if she is in the normal range.

Separately it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety over your DD and you need to deal with this too - post natal anxiety is recognised as an issue affecting many women, it used to be often thought of as post natal depression but it is different and you can get help for it.

Thank you for your reply xx

I agree with penguin. Try to speak to your HV about her development or a GP. Do you go to any baby groups? What’s your support network like?

Also, it might be that you are getting obsessive thoughts about the lack of bond, rather than there actually being no bond. Or that the anxiety is dampening the love hormones you feel so although you love her, you’re not feeling the benefits of the hormones. Remember, you wouldn’t worry this much if you didn’t have a bond.

Hi OP, I had terrible OCD postpartum, so I completely understand the obsessions and the feeling like you're losing your mind. It's good to recognise that this is a symptom of the illness and doesn't reflect reality.
OCD won't be reassured sadly- so however much you try and get reassurance from health professionals about your little girl, I suspect you won't believe them. Is that about right? Not to say that it isn't worth having a discussion with your HV or GP about her.
But regardless of that, you need to get help with the OCD. Have you had any mental health help postpartum? Could you ask for a referral to your perinatal mental health team? Mine were great for my OCD and really helped. Medication also helped with the ruminating, would you consider that?
Sorry you're having these troubles- the googling/ you tubing really reminded me of my bleak early days when I got obsessed with not bonding with my child and spent the whole time on the internet trying to prove that I would never love him. I did of course, but OCD is a powerful fucker!

So sorry you are feeling like this OP. Are you engaged in therapy? It sounds like there is a lot to work through in terms of your traumatic birth and subsequent anxiety.

@Xlalalaladdd It means so much to hear from someone who has been through it. As someone who has never experienced mental health issues before it’s terrifying. These obsessive thoughts feel so much bigger than me. I am going to speak to the GP tomorrow and see what they can do. As my baby is nearly 10 months, I wonder if I’d no longer qualify. I have tried so hard to put it out of my mind today but, once again, I cannot escape it. I’m so hesitant about medication but know it’s probably essential now.

@SwanShaped I have now booked a HV appointment. My fears are so irrational, I don’t know if it will help. Thank you for your reassuring words about our bond- it gives me great comfort xx

@rachelrainbow please please do go to your GP, and keep asking for help- perinatal team should accept new patients until your baby is 12 months so you should still be fine.
Also there is a great website called maternal OCD, give it a Google, there might be done helpful links.
Sending lots of love, this was my first brush with mental health issues too (and included PND) and I was floored, really felt I'd gone mad. But you can learn to control it and it will get better, I promise.

It might be that the HV doesn’t help and you just transfer your worry onto something else. But it’s worth doing anyway. Although by the sounds of it, your baby sounds fine. Mine didn’t clap or wave for ages. I was also worried about autism, even tho I know that plenty of people with autism live happy lives so I don’t know why I worried about it so much.

So getting some counselling could help. I read an account of OCD once where someone’s OCD convinced them that they didn’t love their husband. Even tho they did. It was just the obsessive thoughts.

Do you have any friends you can talk to about this?

Btw, I was very worried about not loving my first baby. It’s because it’s kind of one of the worst things you can think - it’s so socially unacceptable as a new mother. Everyone around you goes on about the rush of love, the bond, blah blah blah. And that is the exact reason my brain went to thinking I might not love the baby. OCD just takes your brain to the worst thing. And that’s what yours has done too. Doesn’t mean it’s real though.

Thank you for your kind words xxx

Hi, can I ask how you LO is now?

Hi, she’s just turned two and has aced her two year developmental test with the health visitor. She’s a happy chatty little thing. Quite eccentric and quirky but wouldn’t have her any other way! X

That’s lovely to hear!

I am feeling exactly how you described in your OP, can I ask what helped ease your anxiety/made you feel better? Feel like I’m going crazy most of the time 🥴.