Did anyone else keep breastfeeding but never really felt like it clicked?

[FizzingWhizzbee123]

DS2 is 9 months old and has been EBF (aside from obviously starting solids at 6 months) since birth.

I had a miserable breastfeeding journey with DS1, who was mostly breastfed until 6 months, combi fed until 8 months, at which point I threw the towel in entirely and switched to formula. It was liberating. I was so happy to stop.

Just to say up front, I have absolutely no issue with formula. As above, DS1 was combi fed. I promised myself I wouldn’t lump pressure on myself to breastfeed DS2 and even considered just formula feeding from Day 1.

However I kept being told, different baby, different journey so felt it was only fair to at least try again. The early days feeding DS2 were really hard again. This time I decided to go straight to a lactation consultant, who also found that he had 60% tongue tie and rectified that. Without her help, we wouldn’t have got past the first week.

I struggled with latch, got painfully sore and decided to use nipple shields again (used with DS1 too) to give myself a break. Well I got lazy and just ended up using them full time as it wasn’t painful and I didn’t have to worry about latch. So we found a way to muddle through.

With DS1, we had to top him up with formula for the first few weeks as he dropped a load of weight and was readmitted to hospital. However with DS2, I managed to express enough to top him up for the first few weeks while we got established and I think it’s that reason - that we got that far without using formula - that I ended up wanting to see if we could get to the 1 year mark without using formula.

I’m not really sure why. I know I’m just making my life harder. But I have no problem with milk supply and I just felt like because I could breastfeed him, I should. And because I could express enough milk for the odd bottle, I should, instead of using formula.

But everyone says “get through the first 6-12 weeks and then it becomes so easy!”. With both babies, I’ve never felt it clicked. It’s always felt awkward. I can’t feed without my pillow so struggled to feed in public as I can’t find a comfortable position. They just get bigger and heavier and harder to feed. The nipple shields are a blessing and a curse. DS2 hit the highly distractible phase and constantly whips his head off, send the shield full of milk flying and we’re both just a soggy mess.

Since weaning, he’s not interested in milk. He’s a nightmare to feed. Totally distracted. Sometimes just totally rejects the breast for hours. I’ve been struggling with enforcement, leaking, blocked ducts etc constantly lately as my supply is reluctant to reduce itself.

I’m tired of feeling like trying to get him to feed is a battle. I can’t feed on demand because he never asks. I end up deperate for him to feed as I’m getting uncomfortably full. He still wakes twice at night and won’t settle for anything other than a feed, and I’m sure he’s reverse cycling me because he doesn’t take enough milk in the day.

All the night feeds come down to me. I’ve haven’t slept longer than 3hrs in a row in 9 months and it’s really starting to catch up on me. DH has offered to help with a bottle, but I just wake up engorged and leaking if I don’t feed and have to pump in the middle of the night, so I might as well just feed the baby.

I leak. Badly. So I can never be without a bra. Day and night. Waking up in puddles of milk, soggy breast pads, feeling smelly in the summer heat. I hate it so much. I can’t wait to sleep without a bra on.

Pumping. Urgh. I’m SO over pumping. DS2 rarely gets a bottle, maybe once a week, but even that feels like a massive faff. Time consuming, washing up all the pump parts.

Anyway, I’m rambling. I just wonder how I can possibly be 9 months into this and still feel so fed up with the whole thing. It doesn’t feel natural and easy, like anyone else who gets past the first few months seems to find it. At best I’m ambivalent about it, some days I’m truly fed up with it all.

I know some people feed past a year, and some days I think maybe I could manage to continue with a morning and bedtime feed, but honestly I don’t see it happening. I feel like I’m counting down to his first birthday at which point I’m going to dance around the room and celebrate by presenting him a giant cup of cows milk!

Before anyone says anything, I know I’ve set myself a milestone of one year and I’m making my own life more difficult by not combi feeding or whatever. I honestly don’t know why I’m sticking to it so stubbornly. I know I won’t get a medal at the end. Although, despite everything, I do feel quietly proud of myself that I have pushed through it all and got this far. Once we get to the year mark, I feel like I’ll have “done my time” and can stop knowing I did my best. Knowing he’s my last and I’ll never ever have to breast feed again helps motivate me.

Anyway, this is longer than I meant it to be. But basically I was just wondering if there was anyone else out there in the same boat - finding breastfeeding awkward/not enjoyable but continued long term anyway because it was working for baby.

Clearly is just me then did it really just click for everyone after a few weeks? Has no one else felt like they’re still struggling with it months in?

Aww that does sound miserable. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Just know that whatever day you give up, is the right time to do it. Sounds like you’re carrying on because it’s not horrendously physically painful or debilitating, but neither is it fine and it seems to be impacting you mentally.

About half of my new mum’s group had this - it just didn’t click. Most of them did 3-6 months then went onto formula. I had a hard time for other reasons but did around a year each time. I just wanted to come on and agree with you that YES the leaking is horrible, I HATED it, it made me feel somehow more like an animal useful for nothing but milk. And it doesn’t stop even when your supply settles

Take care, you’re a person too, not just a milk machine!

Me! I fed DS for 6 months and it was a struggle the whole time. I didn't find it natural or easy, DS struggled to gain weight, I ended up mixed feeding and pumping all the time and it was AWFUL. I wanted to feed longer, but I went back to work, my body refused to respond to pumping and my milk dried up almost overnight.

To add insult to injury, DS actually started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, but the pediatrician made us wake him up to feed because he was so small. He hated it. I hated it. Then I had to pump to try and keep my supply up because my supply NEVER regulated.

I also felt all the advice was shit. It was always "put the baby to the breast, carry them in a sling, do skin to skin, try power pumping" and then when that didn't fucking work, even the posh, spendy, lactation consultant was out of ideas.

Oh, and to top it all off, breastfeeding killed my sex drive, made me feel like shit, and I didn't lose any weight until I stopped , at which point the extra 10lbs I'd been lugging around fell off in a week.

Phew, rant over. That was cathartic.

Nope it's never clicked for me. I'm combo feeding my daughter, but at 11 months, her latch isn't right. I have sore, sometimes blistered nipples. Problems with over supply. I had bacterial Mastitis when she was a few weeks old which led to hospitalisation due to sepsis. Because of this, she can only feed on one side. Breast feeding is the only way I can get her to sleep at bedtime (she'll happily have a bottle for naps ) so I continue. Going to have to fix this soon, as I only planned on breastfeeding for 6 months, and definitely want to think about stopping when she turns one.

I’m not as far along in my breastfeeding journey as you. DS is 4 weeks. But I hate it, or at least I really really don’t enjoy it. I’m waiting for the “it gets so much better after 6 weeks”. The whole breastfeeding awareness stuff last week made me want to scream. I have expressed and offered DS formula (for my sanity). I agree with PP, you’re a person too. So look after yourself!

I had similar - had twins and mixed fed for quite a bit of the time, never really felt confident about it tbh and always worried they weren’t getting enough. It was such a relief when they started solids and I could start dropping feeds. They had their last BF at 9 months, by that point I was only doing their morning feed. I did my best and I’m glad I did it but it was a massive stress

Oh no that must be so tough. I would look and see if there’s a breastfeeding support group near you - la leche league or similar? And I’d ask there about some help with positioning without the pillows as that should make it easier if you can find a way to do it comfortably. I’d also talk to them about gradually weaning off the shields as they sound like a faff too. It may also be nice to meet some other mums who have similar feelings and can relate! It is a huge achievement but it can feel like a lot sometimes! I read the benefits to myself and baby a lot just to remind myself that it is all so beneficial. It sounds silly but maybe try writing a pros and cons list for yourself! If the pumping is bothering you have you tried a Hakka? If you leak a lot then you may not even need to pump if you put it on the opposite boob for every feed. I sleep with a Muslin under me and then just forget the bra - the muslin catches the majority and you can always pop a waterproof mattress cover over if you’re worried. The national breastfeeding helpline is free and could be good to help with these issues too! You could also look at an elvie pump or one of the knock off brands? They fit in your bra so you aren’t having to spend time pumping.

I think maybe feeding it like lots of other aspects of parenting - you don’t have to enjoy /cherish every moment and everyone will have their own parts they enjoy more. The whole ‘baby’ stage I found difficult really: now my son is nearly 4 I genuinely enjoy him so much more. I know friends though that adore the newborn stage. Others that love the toddler part. I think I will really enjoy the ‘old enough to buy me a pub lunch and a glass of wine’ stage the most 😊

I don’t think it’s a bad thing it didn’t click for you and the fact that you fed them still despite not loving it is amazing. Don’t be hard on yourself. It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job.

Yup, never clicked with DD and now I'm expecting twins there's no bloody way I'm EBFing.

It was painful for months - in hindsight I think DD was using me as a dummy, not that I realised. Very painful. As in, I got through most of labour without pain relief - this fucking hurt. I didn't like having to wear accessible clothes, it took ages and I felt I couldn't stop.

She loved food so we were soon down to one BF a day (and one bottle of formula a day).

Above all else I have promised myself that I won't go through the same again.

Hey some similar points for me, I’m at the 11.5 month mark and at 12 months I’m on operation wean !
DDs latch had never been great, it’s even worse now with 8 teeth, since I’ve gone back to work she’s reverse cycling so I also am not getting more than 3 hrs a night.
I’m currently trying to train her to self settle at night ( and I’m sat in the room as I type while she’s supposed to be nodding off)
I can’t believe I got this far, she had colic, reflux some that I put down to the latch. I can’t be bothered expressing after doing it exclusively with me first so I’ve tried her on formula which she hates so here I am!
I must say.. I don’t hate it but the nightly wake ups are trying and she is incredibly clingy to me ( which is lovely but can be hard work!)

I wish you luck getting to 12 months, but you know it’s fine whatever you decide to do x

You have breastfeed your children for 8 and 9 months. To me that's a huge success!! You should be proud, particularly as you haven't found it easy.

For me it 'clicked' pretty quickly. That didn't stop me Having repeated bouts of mastitis and feeling exhausted from the sole responsibility of night feeds. I fed to 2 years and 3 years but tbh it was only that long as I was too exhausted to wean them as they were so attached . On reflection I would have stopped earlier and made life easier for myself.

Be proud whatever you choose to do

Thank you for the replies. They are appreciated and make me feel like I’m not the only one! I feel like I can see the 12 month mark on the horizon and we’re on the home stretch to get there. Just muddling through, out of sheer stubbornness mostly.

I just put him to bed and over the last month of so, he’s developed an aversion to the left side for some reason. Sometimes he’ll feed on it, sometimes he’ll refuse. Today he’s been refusing, I couldn’t even sneak it in while he was getting sleepy. So now he’s in bed and I’m downstairs pumping that side, which is uncomfortably full, so I don’t get blocked ducts again, while muttering darkly. It’s sooooo frustrating.

On the plus side, he’s not a “boob monster” and is quite happy with a bottle (well in the day time, I’ve never tried to settle him at night with a bottle yet but hoping he’ll start sleeping through before his birthday. Ha!) so I don’t think he’ll care less when we do stop. I know some women end up having to feed longer than they want because baby will only take the breast. At least we are unlikely to have that problem.

I do have a Hakka, however breastfeeding DS2 is like trying to feed an overactive octopus! He’s constantly flapping, kicking and diving off my lap. I can’t use the Hakka while feeding him any more as it just gets knocked flying and more split milk.

And yeah the shields are a bit of a faff, although they absolutely did save our breastfeeding journey. With only 3 months left, I’m not sure it’s worth bothering trying to wean off at this point. He only feeds 4x in daylight which I think is heading towards 3x, so I can avoid feeding out and about generally now too, it was a bigger issue when he was feeding every 2-3 hours. It’s all stuff I probably should have addressed earlier and maybe I would have felt happier. Who knows.

DS1 also started sleeping through at 8 months when we switched to formula. DS2 is still waking up twice to feed and I have no idea whether to let this roll as he’s breastfed or whether I should be trying to steer him towards night weaning as he eats very well in the day. If he’s just go down to one feed, I’d feel a lot happier. The problem is he doesn’t take much milk in the day so I think he’s genuinely making up for it at night and I’m not sure how to tip the balance back toward day time. Sigh.

I've never understood what people actually mean when they say they loved breastfeeding - what it is that they found so great. I fed DS1 until 8 months (with some formula from six months), am currently EBFing DS2 who is six months and with both I had very, very easy breastfeeding experiences - established quickly, both latched well with no pain, good supply (if anything a bit too much) - and I still just feel like it's a chore. I find it quite convenient and so that's nice but I don't like being so tied down (much worse with DS2 who is a bottle refuser), I don't like having to only wear the small section of my wardrobe I can feed in, I don't like being the one who wakes up in the night every time. I'd much, much rather just sit and cuddle the baby or gaze at his little face, and I don't find it nice bonding time, just boring. I found being forced to sit down all day feeding in the first few weeks frustrating not some sort of nice luxury. It always makes me feel guilty because breastfeeding seems like this huge deal to everyone else (everyone else I know either thinks breastfeeding is wonderful or had some reason they couldn't feed and are really upset about missing out on it) and I know I'm lucky it comes so easily to me but I just don't get what the fuss is about!

Have you tried contacting la leche league for some support? If you're set on making it to your goal of 1 year perhaps they can offer some tips. As they get bigger the gymnastic feeds are a bit of a nightmare so I can only imagine the mess with breastpads too.

I don't think you have to love it - as PP said, lots of parenting has questionable fun involved. However it should be possible for it to be tolerable. Pumping won't help oversupply so definitely look at articles on supply reduction with LA leche league or elsewhere.