18 month old prefers DH over me

[hardtimeadjusting]

So as the title says really. My DD has started favouring DH over me. It seems like she has a more secure attachment to to him. I am struggling to cope with it even though I can rationalise why it is.

This change happened around a month after I returned to working from my office full time. Up until May I worked pretty much full time but from home, so I'd see her all day as I popped in and out of my home office. Now I'm away from
the house 8.30-6pm Mon-Fri. By comparison DH works from home and is part time so he also has one day at home with her every week.

I'm ashamed to admit but DH is probably a better parent than me. I have depression, anxiety and chronic pain, which means I often end up taking time for myself on the weekends, when I could be spending more time with DD. This weekend has been especially hard as I am tapering off an antidepressant (prozac) and the side effects are brutal (vertigo, brain fog, mood swings etc).

I do spend time with DD but DH is with her more overall. He's healthy and happy and has endless patience with her toddler interests and tantrums.

What's made harder is that I love DD so much, I have invested in her development financially, by getting her the most caring and intelligent nanny I could find on the days I work. I buy and choose all of her clothes and toys and do my best to always be kind and patient. In the early months I ran myself into the ground trying to be the best mum I could be. I've read her a story and sung to her and sat on the floor next to her cot every bedtime since she was born, including tonight. Tonight she said "love you" as I left the room after settling her.

But I feel burnt out and every time she chooses DH over me (eg by wandering off calling for "daddy" when I'm trying to engage with her) I just want to give up. My mood drops, my pain gets worse and I end up retreating to our bedroom. i start thinking i'm a bad mum and she'll never like me. I think some more time alone with DD would probably help but like I say I find it hard to look after her for long periods on my own.

Any words of perspective or wisdom from those who have experienced something like this?

I think it's just a stage they go through.
My DD is almost 20 months, and for the past 3 months she has favoured her dad! I now just make a joke of it, because I can be with her for hours during the day if DH is out at work or when he was caring for his mum, but as soon as he walks through the door, it's like I fade into oblivion! She will only show him her books or toys, only sit next to him on the sofa.
I think it's because she knows I'm always there, so I'm a "safe bet" whereas he is "fun dad" who plays rough and tumble with her, takes her to the park while I do laundry on a Saturday morning, etc.

Try not to retreat, but ask your DH to include you in whatever she chooses to do with him, so your daughter can see all of you colouring in together (for example). My DD loves to play with her play food & kitchen and will walk past me to give DH his "cup of tea" or "biscuit" so DH will say "can Mammy have one too?" And she does it because he has asked, but it brings me into their game

It is a phase...my eldest did it and now my youngest. It can feel heart wrenching but just think of the positives...you get a break for a while!

@MsSquiz Thank you for your reply! I have the exact same experience with DD, when it's just me and her alone she's so content with me, doesn't ask for DH at all. But when we are all together, she seems to prefer him. I'm glad to hear it's a phase they go through. I will follow your advice.

Our nanny hasn't helped by telling me that all girls are "daddy's girls" and that there's nothing I can do.

@Eslteacher06 Thank you for the reassurance. It is heart-wrenching but I'll try and relax about it.

The only time I've ever had away from my dd (3.4) is when i gave birth to her brother (3 months)

She still had phases where DH was the be all and end all.

It didn't matter that I spent 4 hours doing crafts/rainbow spaghetti/painting then to soft play, then arcades after, then a water park in the same day , as soon as she saw DH it was all about daddy.

I do think girls are quite like that though from my experience!

Also just know she LOVES YOU, and feels so secure in her attachment towards you that she knows you are always there, she doesn't need to gush over you per say because she knows she has that unconditional love!

Parenting is emotional I know

My DD was a massive daddy's girl when she was little, now she is 13 and we are super close

@contentedcake Thank you 😊

@Apeirogon That's reassuring. I feel better for reading the responses on this thread. X

100% a phase. My little one went through it at exactly the same time.
If he was upset he would tend his arms for daddy and get out of my lap to be picked up from him. I felt a bit like a failure and couldn't understand why I was not his favorite parent after all the breastfeeding, nights together, cuddles and everything I was doing as a mummy.

He's almost 3 now and more attached to me, he's like my shadow. He loves spending time with daddy, no issues at all but he wants mummy for cuddles or if he's unwell or he calls me if I am not around etc

I know it's hard, but trust me it will pass. You are doing so well, never doubt that!

I've always worked part time since the kids were born, done all the illnesses, fun days out, activities, played with them for hours, made forts, Lego worlds, read to them, bathed them ... between about the ages of 12 months to 3 years if DH was anywhere near I ceased to exist. It absolutely broke my heart. I was pragmatic about it and outwardly demonstrated happiness towards their lovely relationship but inside it made me sad and jealous.
She 4 1/2 now and is a complete mummy's girl. She still has a beautiful relationship with DH but she definitely gravitates more towards me.
DS, on the other hand, has always been a mummy's boy and DH hasn't had a look in. He's 5 1/2 and is starting to swing over to DH.

Your DD loves you... completely and totally.

Tonight she said "love you" as I left the room after settling her.

Your 18 month old knows how to say “love you”? Wowzer, that is super advanced!

@peasoup8 I'm sure she has no clue what it means, she just hears us say it to her at bedtime or before we leave. Her language does seem to be quite advanced though, people keep commenting on it.

@Spinxsta I would have been heartbroken too! I'm so glad it was only a phase. X

@user1471523870 Thank you
You sound like a super mummy compared to me! X

My ds 3 goes through phases as well. I would say try and enjoy the phase as when I am his favourite parent it is quite exhausting. It hurt the first time but now I take it as a break and eventually the tables will be turned and it will soon be all me

oh my goodness, lucky you!
now you can have a bath or go out to see friends or do anything you want without a clingy toddler!
hurrah!!!!!
long may it last!

@hardtimeadjusting try not to take it personally and use it to your advantage of you can. My boy was similar when I returned to work, they just prefer the parent they spend more time with. Makes sense as a survival mechanism, I don't think it's anything to do with your ability to be a good parent. I've been off work for three weeks now and my son prefers me again, it'll all change when I go back to work

Also, just to add, my DD's first word was "Mama" and she said it right in time for my birthday last year! Perfect!
Now, a year later and you're either "Dad" or "Tilly" in our house - Tilly is one of our cats! She never says Mama or Mammy!

I did have a small victory today when she said "love you" for the first time, to me but 5 mins later she farted on DH's lap and did the loudest burp! So he can't have everything

I've turned it round in my head, rather than thinking how sad I am she doesn't want me, etc. Being so happy that she loves her dad and wants to spend time with him when he's home. Plus it means I then don't feel bad when I go out or do chores because I know how much they love their time together

My DS (2) is going through a mummy only phase. Let me tell you, as the current favourite parent it can be damn exhausting. He wont let his dad do anything. Its been going on for a month or so, Im hoping it passes soon. And then it will probably be daddy only for a bit.

Totally a phase. Both our kids have had a parent preference. It's just as hard being the favourite, having to do everything as it is being the discarded parent out of favour. Don't take it to heart at all. Don't force them to come/ choose you. Our phase is "this too shall pass" for all random things our kids do!

@Pob13 Yeah, I've also been the "favourite" and primary caregiver in the first year so I know that can be hard. I didn't need to post a thread about that though so clearly this is more distressing for me.

@DirtyDancing Personally I found being the favourite much easier. It can be tough. My triggers are around being excluded or a "bad mum" and so being the preferred parent doesn't affect me negatively like this does.

Thanks for all the messages. I've had a lovely morning with DD with lots of reaching for "mama" and cuddles. Feeling much better. I think the separation anxiety she has with DH is easing as she wasn't asking for him.

DD was exactly the same. Daddy was her universe! She's 11 years old now and wants to put her dad in a burning skip. Everything he does is just terrible... his haircut (she's not wrong about this), his shoes, his smell, his lack of cooking, among a myriad of other 'wrongs'. Anyway... it really does pass. We've gone to the extreme in our household and I'm sincerely hoping DD actually loves her dad again! We laugh about it, DH and I but it does also cause him a lot of pain. You can't help but feel rejected... even if the adult in you knows better, the heart feels the pain. and courage, OP.