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Original poster

What to do when others are mean to your toddler

19 replies

1sttimemumpfb · 07/08/2021 18:50

I'm a first time mum, probably PFB about my daughter. I took her to a museum today, she was a lock down baby so although she is at nursery not seen her interacting with others much.

Children's exhibit. First incident, little boy tries to push her away when she come over to what he is playing with. His mum steps up immediately and tells him to share, fine. Second incident older child looks at her and then lays himself over buttons so my daughter can't press them, to be fair he was there first and he also had Downs, but my daughter looks at me in confusion and I just smiled reassuringly at her. Did I do the right thing? Should I have said something? I want her to be confident and sociable, is this just kids finding their way in life? It just sort of broke my heart the way she looked at me, she's so sociable but only 20 months. Do I need to get a grip?!

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thinkingaboutitall · 07/08/2021 18:53

Sorry but I do think you’re overreacting slightly

It seems like the 2 situations are similar in that the other mum told her child to share in the first one, and that you could have told your child to share or wait in the second situation. Teach her to take it in turns - life isn’t always exactly fair and you can’t really control what other toddlers do so situations like this will crop up

Lou573 · 07/08/2021 18:55

It’s really normal for kids and they have to learn to navigate it themselves to some extent. In these sorts of situations I think I’d just say loud enough for their parent to hear ‘dd, we’ll just wait our turn, I’m sure this little boy will let you have a go in a minute’.

Mia0909 · 07/08/2021 18:56

I’m also battling with this a bit I think it triggers that mothers protective instinct! I was in the playground with my 18 mth old and this much older girl around 6 years I think was deliberately just sat at the top of the slide, my toddler started crying as she wanted her turn and the girl turned around and smirked and laughed and seemed to be deliberately not moving. I asked if she could hurry up so daughter could have a turn and she ‘yeah I’m going’ in a stroppy voice then ran around again and deliberately walked really slowly in front of her. I was bewildered how twatish such a young child could be but then reminded myself she probably has parents not giving her enough attention or some reason for it.

It’s hard as I wanted to push her down the slide and tell her to stop being a knob but obviously would never do that! I just have my daughter a cuddle and said loudly we’ve just got to wait for this little girl to move. I think at 18 and 20 mths they’re too young to explain anything too so just got to comfort them and only intervene if the other kid hurts them and their parents don’t do anything.

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Mia0909 · 07/08/2021 18:59

Also should add I was badly bullied in school so think rudeness / bully behaviour triggers me personally. Sometimes got to think about if there’s a reason you’re reacting so strongly.

Original poster

1sttimemumpfb · 07/08/2021 19:02

@thinkingaboutitall no need to apologise i know I probably am

@Lou573 good advice

@Mia0909 I know, it's hard because you don't want anyone to upset them but it's the way of the world that they will have to deal with it, doesn't make it easier.

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thinkingaboutitall · 07/08/2021 19:04

Maybe after the incident tell her she was really good/brave/handled that well etc and give her a treat or cuddle

Jasmine11 · 07/08/2021 19:04

The kids who are being 'mean' are just tiny themselves! In those kind of situations I just distracted my DC and I 100% guarantee you that your child will not have been offended by the other children at all!

Original poster

1sttimemumpfb · 07/08/2021 19:08

@Jasmine11 ah that's reassuring, yeah I guess it's in the moment at that age!

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girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 19:11

The first one was fine because the mom handled it immediately.
With the buttons a simple "it's ok, it's your turn next" is fine. She might not understand yet but she'll learn about sharing soon and it might encourage the other child's parent to make sure they're not hogging the activity too.

Fundays12 · 07/08/2021 19:18

If the other kids were there first and the toy wasnt the type of toy that can really be shared then you should have gently guided your daughter away and let the other kids carry on playing. It's not fair or kind to the child who was there first and may have waited there turn to have it taken away by another child not is it fair to teach your daughter that's ok. If they were toys to share you should have thanked the first boy for being so kind as to share with her. This teaches both kids how kind it is to share.

The second situation I wouldn't have done anything except maybe smile at the child as the child may not have the capacity to understand what they are doing. I would definitely have let the parent handle that and thanked them.

User5827372728 · 07/08/2021 19:19

They need to learn, even from that young age, to navigate the world for themselves. So by 2.5 my son would probs try to push the girl down the slide to hurry her up.

Also kids will face disappointments in their life and need to learn to deal with it, so looking to you in a bad situation and your smiling is reassuring that it’s ok and hopefully next time it won’t phase her so much.

I always wonder what an under 2s room at nursery must look like- survival of the fittest I guess!

Muggee · 07/08/2021 19:23

The only time I really intervened is if the other child's parents couldn't be arsed to do anything but DS was actually being hit etc. When he was under a year we went to a music group that was for non walking babies, there was a toddler there who came over and snatched the rattle out of his hand and ran off. I thought bit mean but whatever, then she came bounding back over and went to hit him with it, I said excuse me, no, and picked him up. The mother was laughing about it which really riled me and explained a lot! If it was a push or not wanting to share I wouldn't intervene, but I did make sure to encourage him to share and show kind behaviours and remove him from the situation if not.

MistyFrequencies · 07/08/2021 19:23

First one I'd do nothing, mum handled it.
Second I'd either engage the boy "oh you like laying on the buttons? When you've finished (daughters names) is going to press them " or something friendly like that.

Fiddliestofsticks · 07/08/2021 19:23

In both circumstances, the other kids were there first. You need to tell her that we wait our turn. You say it loud enough for the other parent to hear and then they will move them along once they've had a proper shot at it. If they dont, you send your kid up to share.

However, no one was actually mean to her. Little kids push. It happens. The mum stepped in.
The other boy had downs. He did nothing wrong and was there first. You need to make more allowances if the kid clearly has extra needs. Move your kid to a different toy, sont just stand there smiling.

Original poster

1sttimemumpfb · 07/08/2021 19:40

Thank you, reading all the replies.

I think with the second one it was more he was chilling beside it and when she pressed the buttons he then moved to block her while watching her, he wasn't playing with that part of the exhibit, but yes of course allowances, that's why I didn't say anything but yes good idea to voice the taking turns thing. Of course I know she needs to wait her turn, and she actually tried to take over from another child and I moved her away and told her that someone else was using it so it's not that I think she should get her own way in all things, i might be PFB but I'm not that PFB

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doadeer · 07/08/2021 20:04

I don't think either of those children were mean.

My son is 2.5 and autistic he wouldn't have any concept whatsoever of another child he would just see the toy as his. Obviously this can be very challenging for me and it's a hard concept for him that we are working on. I go to a play group with children with additional needs and even those who are 8/9 find it very difficult to share, it doesn't come easy to many kids.

Original poster

1sttimemumpfb · 07/08/2021 20:09

@doadeer good point, and yes mean is not the right word and full of my own projections. I used to work in Early Years so know about playing alongside and problems with sharing etc. I need to remind myself of what I used to know.

OP posts:

doadeer · 07/08/2021 20:10

💐 it's not personal to your child. I guess even as adults, if you were having a lovely time doing something and someone just stopped you and told you it wasn't your turn... We would still find that annoying! 🤣

sylbunny · 07/08/2021 20:17

I don't think either of those situations were particularly mean. Totally normal interactions for toddlers abs it's often problems with sharing. I do step in if an older child is mean though and there's no parent around. For example an older boy (8?) once shoved my daughter (2) out the way on the steps to the slide because he wanted to get there first. I told him off and made him wait his turn. Not all kids will listen to my stern mum voice but it works most of the time!

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