Potty training - toddler just holds it

[knightsinwhitesatin]

Hi, we have been trying to potty train my 2 year old (2 and 8 months) on and off for several months now. She just refuses to go on the potty or toilet, and instead will hold everything in for hours at a time. She will happily sit on the potty but gets very upset at the thought of actually doing a wee on it. The longest she’s held it is nearly 8 hours. I don’t want her to get an infection or hurt herself by holding it that long, and I don’t want to make it a big issue that she gets worked up about. It’s her nap time soon so am going to have to give up again and put a nappy on her for nap time. She’s held it for nearly 5 hours this morning and is visibly uncomfortable.
Any pointers will be welcome! None of my friends seems to have had this issue so I’m not sure what to do. She is on track developmentally on all other counts, and is a bright girl. She understands the process but is dead against it for some reason!
Thanks

Chocolate button bribary.

Oh we have tried every kind of bribery!

My little boy loves stickers so a reward chart worked for us?

Use the toilet not the potty

Maybe she is just not ready for whatever reason. I would take a break a try again later on.
If you are keen to keep trying, have you tried tickling her when she is sat on the potty? That always made my dd laugh and then she relaxed and just went. Or anything else that she really gets the fits of giggles over?

Just leave it. Take a break. She’s not ready.

The very last thing you want is for her to hold on to poo - that can have serious long term consequences.

Sorry if this is long. My DD was exactly like this. She knew the concept but absolutely didn’t want to use potty or toilet and would hold for hours. She’d beg to have a bath because she knew she could do a wee in there. After monther of failed attempts for 2.5ish we were told by HV to go cold turkey, put her in pants and no going back. She was 2 years 11 months. It was a disaster, we lasted a week by which time she’d started picking the skin around her nails with anxiety. Nothing helped, rewards, bribes, nothing. She was so articulate, bright, ahead of all other milestones but just couldn’t get this. I felt so judged by other parents who couldn’t understand why we hadn’t got her toilet trained.

In the end she went back in nappies and we left it, stopped trying to help her ‘get’ it. And at 3 years 3 months she just did it herself.

With the benefit of hindsight I wish I’d missed out the months of stress we caused her and ourselves even though we just followed the advice we were given. So my advice to you OP is leave it. She knows what to do but for some reason she doesn’t want to. It will come in time when she’s ready.

I put my DS in pants and he quickly realised he didn’t like having wet trousers. He never used the potty, it was uncomfortable to sit on and I wanted to associate the idea of weeing with sitting on the toilet. So we got a kids toilet seat and I just let him sit on it watching YouTube until he went. To start with he would sit for 45 minutes! After a few days he only sat for a few minutes. I honestly believe he didn’t know how to voluntarily release his muscles to go. But I never made him sit, if he cried I lifted him straight off. He never gets my phone so it was a treat to sit there watching it and he sat quite happily.

Would she eat asparagus?

If she will, you could try both eating some early ish in the morning, then you wee in the potty and make a big song and dance about how you can smell the sparrow grass, help her to smell it too, then you get to have a treat for you both to share! Then see if she wants to smell the sparrow grass pee just like Mummy.

I know its weird you peeing on the potty too, but it might normalise it for her. I think once she has weed a couple of times, it wont be scary anymore

Alternatively give her loads and loads and loads of liquids first thing in the morning and then watch tv sitting on the potty. She might get so distracted by the tv that she wees without noticing. Maybe get a special throne potty for this so she is comfy

Or just wait until she is older

@NewNameADayKeepsSpiesAtBay

Sorry if this is long. My DD was exactly like this. She knew the concept but absolutely didn’t want to use potty or toilet and would hold for hours. She’d beg to have a bath because she knew she could do a wee in there. After monther of failed attempts for 2.5ish we were told by HV to go cold turkey, put her in pants and no going back. She was 2 years 11 months. It was a disaster, we lasted a week by which time she’d started picking the skin around her nails with anxiety. Nothing helped, rewards, bribes, nothing. She was so articulate, bright, ahead of all other milestones but just couldn’t get this. I felt so judged by other parents who couldn’t understand why we hadn’t got her toilet trained.

In the end she went back in nappies and we left it, stopped trying to help her ‘get’ it. And at 3 years 3 months she just did it herself.

With the benefit of hindsight I wish I’d missed out the months of stress we caused her and ourselves even though we just followed the advice we were given. So my advice to you OP is leave it. She knows what to do but for some reason she doesn’t want to. It will come in time when she’s ready.

Thank you @NewNameADayKeepsSpiesAtBay that sounds so similar! I am inclined to leave it for now. Nursery keep saying she should be ready and to go cold turkey but it causes her so much stress I don’t want to upset her and give her more of a mental block. Most of her friends are happily toilet trained, some a year younger than she is now, so I felt like we were doing something wrong, or they think we’re lazy parents.

Thanks everyone for the other suggestions, we have tried pretty much all of them with no success. I think we will just wait a bit longer.

My now 4yo was exactly the same. I was so worried he'd get ill - he'd refuse to go potty before bed, not wet his nappy all night and then continue to hold into the morning. I think the longest he went was 14 hours and I absolutely flipped and completely stopped everything. Like a pp, we waited until he was actually ready - around his 3rd birthday - and it was as easy as pie. He was using the potty reliably within 48 hours and he had maybe a handful of accidents in the first few months. I wish I hadn't pushed it when he was obviously not ready. I'd advise you stop and try again in a couple of months.

Hand her over to the nursery with the pants they will soon tell you to leave it my friends nursery told her to just go cold turkey it will be fine so she did she left them with pants spare clothes and went to work they rang saying she had wet herself she said and? I told you she wasn't ready you said to go cold turkey im taking your advice? Yes but we don't want to clean up your child all day! So can I send her in nappies tomorrow? NO! she needs to be pottytrained!.....🙄 ummm she ended up at a childminder who gave zero fucks about a two year old in nappies and helped her potty train when she was ready

It might be a kind of performance anxiety on the potty, can you read her books or give her a special toy to play with on it so she thinks about something other than 'have I done a wee yet'? As for going a long time, give her more to drink! Wet food and lollies as well as nice drinks.

On day three of potty training and our DD has been holding on to her wee on and off - the longer she holds the more tense her muscles get and the harder it is for her to relax and go. In the end we've popped her feet in a shallow washing up bowl of warm water while she's sitting on the potty. She enjoys splashing her feet around and goes within a couple of minutes every time! Hoping it's helping her get used to the sensation of weeing on the potty and that over time we'll be able to reduce dependence on the warm water - we've had a couple of wees in the potty without it so hoping we can phase it out fairly easily. Know this is an old thread but just posting in case it helps anyone, we were getting so stressed seeing her in so much discomfort squirming around before we found a way to help her go!

One of the maddest things I've ever read on Mumsnet 😂😂😂

This one will stick with me

It’s very apt you've posted@Foxglove7 as I’m going through the exact same thing with my son 3 years later! My daughter eventually got it a month or two after I posted, but my son is even more stressed by the idea of the potty than she was. I will try the warm water and see if it helps!