Positive relationship stories for post baby?

[SoonToBeFirstTimeMumma]

Due my first baby soon and we’re so excited and happy. However, I keep seeing stories and quotes how it can change relationships and they seem to paint it negatively?

I am prepared for our relationship to change, our lives will revolve around our son completely and that of course will change our relationship. But why is it all negative?

Do you have any positive stories from having a baby how it changed your relationship? I’m sure although a baby changes your relationship that it doesn’t always in such a negative way as these mum pages on IG keep making out!

(Please forgive me for being stupid and following so many mum pages on instagram, I’ve unfollowed the majority after learning they just post negative things 24/7!)

Ignore the weird parenting posts on Instagram.... they're almost always nonsense.

I have a lovely relationship with my husband, post baby baby. It massively depends on what your relationship is like pre baby.

I found having a baby like a grenade going off in my relationship. Everything felt like it was blown to pieces, and for a short time it felt like everything was ruined. Then we worked out how to be a couple and parents, and it felt like the pieces all came back together, just in a different pattern, and it all worked fine again.

My husband and I were together for 12 years before our son arrived in 2020 and now it's as if we've never been without him.

I loved watching DH become a Dad. I wouldn't say our relationship changed, we just grew from a couple into a family.

I think there's a stereotype around having children and them ruining relationships. Our relationship certainly did change after having a baby. There were more challenging moments than ever before, but also more wonderfully happy moments. We appreciated each other more and saw different sides to each other; playful, nurturing and caring sides. Having a baby did not ruin our relationship but did make it evolve rapidly into something deeper. Raising our second baby together was more challenging for the first few months but I think our relationship is stronger for having created two such perfect little humans together.

Oh I love my husband so much more now! And I wouldn’t have thought I could love him more than I did pre-baby.

I adore seeing him be such an amazing dad to our son. I feel so cherished and looked after by him. I love that we made this tiny perfect amazing human together.

It’s silly to pretend things don’t get hard sometimes - you will go through terrible sleep deprivation, you’ll worry together about the baby, and you will often feel you need support from someone who is running on empty themselves. But to me, those things pale in comparison to how purely joyful it has been to see my husband step in to fatherhood and excel.

Well we're having our 6th baby next week (5th term pregnancy). Like any couple we've had ups and downs but we've survived a lot of stuff. We're a forces family too so had to endure long stints apart, we've seen so many couples buckle under the pressure of the career/lifestyle. I don't like him all the time but I love him enough to put up with his rubbish bits, as he does mine.

Our relationship is great post baby. I think one of the main reasons is that my DH does his fair share of everything and so I genuinely feel we are in this together and there is no resentment. I never realised how difficult a man could make your life until I had a baby and saw how he could leave all the drudgery to you if he wanted to.

Our relationship did not change as such but having a baby did bring us closer together. I have new depth of feelings for him, we've supported each other beyond what we ever had to support each other in before. Of course we also bicker more, due to tiredness. But that's all surface level stuff.

My husband and I have never been happier with our baby, together. Lots of sexless months at first though! But he was very understanding.. however if your relationship is weak to begin with, I can see how having a baby could push couples over the edge ...

Honestly yeah, it was like a bomb going off in our relationship for a while there. It wasn't helped she was born in lockdown, we had major work going on in the house that got stopped/delayed so were living in a bit of chaos plus a bereavement and huge work stress. I've completely lost the ability to be patient/ indulgent of his various little foibles, and have frequently felt like I have nothing left to give to him/ our relationship.

But we are still here, he's a fantastic dad and always makes a point of telling me what a good job I'm doing as a mum too. I love him more seeing what a good dad he is and seeing how much our baby loves him. We have got better at communicating I think. And we have so much fun the three of us.

One of the biggest things that caused us issues was my postnatal anxiety. I was so so desperate to get everything right and it made me really controlling of everything to do with DD, I'd feel like I had to do everything because I'd done all the reading and obsessing and worrying so only I would do it right, but then I'd be resentful that he didn't do as much or didn't worry about it as much, but whatever he did I'd think it was wrong. Shit times - its helped to recognise it, I had some help for anxiety too, and its naturally lessened a bit over time too. Actually looking back I can see how incredibly patient he was with me through all that and I appreciate him even more for that.

Having a baby is a definite grenade.

But it’s this i think:

“ I think one of the main reasons is that my DH does his fair share of everything and so I genuinely feel we are in this together and there is no resentment. I never realised how difficult a man could make your life until I had a baby and saw how he could leave all the drudgery to you if he wanted to.”

Yep, it’s like a bomb going off. You have to sift through the rubble to find what is salvageable. Some make it, some don’t. Can be a rough few months.

You will never know until the baby is here. Some men can't hack it and get freaked out by the responsibility. Some even get jealous that your child has all of your time. Some step up and really mature.

I’m sure I read some stats talking about the impact in the first year being the the biggest and relationships that are going to bounce back, being better after that year. Actually I think I read it in a book called ‘how not to hate your husband after kids’ DH bought me it as a joke after first baby and we ended up both reading it and getting a lot from it.

Thank you for sharing your experiences!

Regarding me and DH, we’re amazing I’d say! We communicate well and with regards to responsibility he looks forward to it. We do have a 3 year old dog which gave him an insight to some responsibility, baffled him at first that dogs don’t come fully trained but a few months on he was in the full swing of pet parent life!

I do imagine tiredness (extreme) and bickering. A lot of learning too, which is why I’m going to try my best to be patient as we’ll both have our own ways but we’ll become a team.

These have cheered me up a bit, don’t know if it’s hormones but seeing so many people speak negatively upset me.

I love my DH to pieces I can’t imagine life without him and I know through the struggle and learning he’ll be the best dad in the world.

I won’t fully know until the baby is here how our relationship will be but reading some of these responses has given me a positive boost that it isn’t all doom and gloom! It’ll change but that change could be all positive (rather than majorly negative as I keep seeing, damn you mummy IGs!!!)

Getting a puppy does not prepare you for being a parent, I don’t know why people say that 😂

I think it’s the sleep deprivation that gets to you, my patience significantly decreased for a while but our relationship is definitely stronger.

@21bee sorry I didn’t mean to make it sound like that!

I meant more that I feel he may be the same when the baby arrives, a bit overwhelmed by how full on it’ll be (way more full on than a dog) and then get into the swing of it and love it

I know having a baby is so so so so so so soooooooo much harder than any pet!

Parenting was more difficult than I could imagine and our relationship did initially suffer. When you are chronically sleep deprived everything is hard. Two kids later and after reading the how not to hate your husband after kids books our relationship is stronger and we are more love.

I'd say that if you communicate well during bad times (ie redundancy, bereavement, health scares and other bad life events) then having a baby will change your life but possibly bring more positives to your relationship overall. If you've never experienced anything really testing before then you have no idea how it'll change things. It's easy to have a happy marriage in the good times after all.

One thing that you really don’t know until after you have a child together is the difference in parenting styles between yourself and your partner - now that brings it’s own set of issues. It hasn’t been mentioned yet so thought I would touch on that. It’s so vital to be on the same page about things otherwise it creates a lot of friction.

Me and OH took a while to get the hang of things, it took time to become a team. There were many times I felt we were playing against each other. Although we were good in our relationship, throw a baby in the works and we realised how different we were.

It’s not been easy and there were so many times we snapped at each other due to lack of sleep. Please make a routine in advance of who will be doing what, split housework and chores. Resentment will build if too much is left to one person. Communication is key and also finding the right time to talk is key, preferably not when baby is crying or when you can barely keep your eyes open due to lack of sleep.

Also, take the help if it’s offered, don’t be too humble. Friends, family etc - if they want to babysit then bite their hand off at the offer. It’s so important to spend together as a couple and not just as parents.

I think there's that initial "wtf have we done?" stage when you're both very tired and everything is hard - we had a row where we were just arguing about who has slept till what time and who last washed the bottles. It's ridiculously easy to get into competitive tiredness and competitive busy-ness.

I'd say key things are communication, sharing housework (just because you're at home at mat leave doesn't mean it's just your responsibility), both getting time off to do your own thing and both getting a reasonable amount of sleep (rather than one of you being run into the ground and the other well rested). A cheeky kiss every now and then helps as well!

It’s hard I’m not going to lie. However watching my DH with my DS is just bloody amazing. It’s honestly the best thing ever. Things that I think helped us are

1. being completely open and honest with each other. There are going to be some shit times ahead. And some brilliant times. Sharing them together.
2. we banned competitive tiredness. We agreed we would both be knackered. So just accept it. No one is more tired than the other. We are both tired. If the time presents and you can. Have a nap. That’s ok.
3. not over stepping the other when parenting. I found this really hard when DS was little abs crying as it does something physical to you as a mum when they cry. However we were formula feeding and I knew Dh would manage him fine. Although twice I had to go outside. Just I never wanted DH to think I either didn’t think he could do it or that I could do it better.
4. encourage time alone. DH is more than capable of looking after DS without me. Vice versa. He needed down time and so do I.
5. try and have w chat about parenting styles before baby arrives. Dummy no dummy. Etc. It helps to be in same page

Good luck

@Whatelsecouldibecalled points 3&5 I couldn’t agree with more. Absolutely same in my experience.