Breastfeeding aversion guilt!!

[becallo]

I have a 2 year old and 5 month old that I am breastfeeding. I can feed my youngest fine but I’m having severe aversion issues when feeding my 2 year old. I try to let him feed but eventually I get an overwhelming need to unlatch him so I usually pull my boob away and give him a dummy instead. A couple days ago when I pulled my boob away he didn’t unlatch and as I was trying to put my breast back in my bra I ended up pushing against his neck/throat accidentally :( he didn’t seem to notice, so it can’t have been hard. I didn’t even notice at first I was just desperate to get my boob away and then I noticed my hands were pushing against his throat and ever since I’ve felt AWFUL. It was an accident but it was caused by my impatience at stopping the breastfeeding. I apologised and gave him a huge cuddle and he seemed unaware. Can I let this guilt go? Am I a horrible mum?

Don't feel bad. I experienced the aversion too. I just felt violated at every feed and couldn't continue bf. It 100% was not something I had any control over or something I could overcome by positive thinking/duty/guilt/trying harder. I had bf with no issues for 3 years at that point so it wasn't for the lack of experience or willingness! Our bodies and hormones are just strange sometimes. I def just couldn't help feeling it. I stopped bf within a month or two at that point.

No you're not a horrible mum . But do you think it might be time to stop feeding your eldest if you're feeling like this? You've done amazing and although it can be heartbreaking to stop before you wanted to, you are important too and need to consider what's working for you.