Toddler tantrums when coming back from ILs

[mixedmama]

My DS who is 21 months has terrible tantrums when he comes back from my ILs. I have no idea wwhy, but this weekend he spent an excessive amount of time there (which is normally rationed to once a week for various reasons) and until yesterday was having absolutely mad tantrums.

Any ideas how I can get around this. I dont speak to them or have a relationship with them where I can approach the subject and I imagine DH wont be pleased if I blame the tantrums on them, but it is always when he has been there.

he will be there again tomorrow as FIL is going away for 3 months, but i cant take another 2-3 days of tantrums at 35 weeks preg.

Do you think they may indulge him in anything he wants? Maybe they feed him something that sets him off.

My in-laws are great with my eldest son but he is so tired out when he comes back and up until recently they only had my word that he was a nightmare, fortunately they saw it for themselves. They run him ragged and it is me who suffers.

It is a truly difficult situation if you are unable to talk to your DH about it. Does he ever see the tantrums? If not film them on your phone or camcorder then it is a starting point for the conversation that must follow. Good luck.

I sooo recognise this. Because we don't live nearby the ILs have had ds to stay for 2-3 days and longer on 2 occasions. When he returns it's like having to retrain him. He is better now but when the same age as your lo he was absolutely grotty for 2-3 days.

They always fed him well, but had sugary treats on top of what he would normally eat. Bed time was later as they didn't want him awake so early. And he had pretty much full-on attention and jollied out of every mood...and then he came back to his cruel, regimented parents!

But I also know he had fun whilst there and they love him to bits.

I think to a certain extent this is normal - my DD1 is always horrid when we come back from either my parents or ILs, just because she gets so much more attention and time there than she does at home! But the sugary snack / trigger food idea is also a good one, and might give you (or your DH) a good non-confrontational way of bringing it up with them?

Thanks ladies. The thing is he doesnt get like this after he has been with my parents, despite them spoiling him as well, altho I admit the junk food thing is less likely to happen with my family. My mum and dad went away for the weekend and they are the normal childcare providers so I had to rely on ILs as we are moving house etc and as soon as my dad took DS Tuesday morning he asked what was wrong with him.

DH has seen the tantrums and just said ignore it, but doesnt seem to have made the connection. Family relations are very strained with his family and me so it is a difficult one to broach.

DS has gone there today as FIL is going on holiday so will see what happens and perhaps point out the correlation and maybe ask what he is eating or something. I normally just dont ask because they refuse to accept what i say with regard to what DS eats etc so I have just turned a blind eye and tried to look at it as treats with the GPs, but I cant have these tantrums esp as we have another LO due to arrive in 5 weeks.

Sorry I hope that didnt turn into a rant just trying to figure out how to broach the subject with DH thinking I am attacking them.

Probably not just the eating of sweets. My DS used to be an absolute nightmare when coming back from in laws until I noticed that they were not actually feeding him proper food at all. He was there for three days when I had DD and the first time he saw his new baby sister he tried to punch her . He is a child that has never been slapped or punished physically. As it was gone two pm I assumed he had had lunch so I asked what he had had. Turned out he had not had breakfast - "He didnt want breakfast this morning" and "Did nt have time to make him any lunch" MIL bleated. So My DS had probably not eaten a meal for 24 hours at the age of 3 FFS!!!!

Now when he is there I ring up at meal times and ask what he is having so they will actually feed him. I go on and on about how important it is that he eats regularly or there will be huge tantrums and I think it is finally sinking in. DH is on side, which helps. I was the same as you turning a blind eye because it is just treats etc with GP but he is obviously not happy when he gets back and thats not fair on anyone least of all him.

Sorry MOST of all him not least of all..

I am not sure it is the food altho I have found bags of wotsits in his bag when he has come home before.

I dont know whether perhaps they pander to him completely or something coupled with the snacks, but he is so loving and good but when he comes home he really fights me like he doesnt want to be anywhere near me. He loves helping to get dressed and undressed but refuses to put pyjamas on or anything and rolls around the floor sscreaming going all red.

Amethyst - that is awful about the feeding thing, but at least they have started to take on board what you have said.

It might not be related to feeding patterns at all. He may just be picking up on family tensions. If this is the last time for three months I would just grin and bear it and give your ds extra TLC when he gets home as he is likely to be frazzled/upset.

Do you think piglet?? He actually goes there once a week and always the next day is a trial, but this was a little extended so just seemed so muuch worse. I hadnt thought of that. How could he pick up on it tho as I am not there so he doesnt see us interact or anything and I am so careful not to ever talk about them in front of him. Hahdnt thought of that so will think about that.

It could be that he is not happy being away from you and is punishing you for sending him away IYSWIM. I have to say that if my dd was behaving like this I would stop the visits as they are obviously upsetting him somehow.

But he does seem to enjoy himself there and loves them as he should. I am on mat leave from tomorrow so it will be much more controlled. Have opened my eyes to lots of possibilities I hadnt thought of.