DD is breaking my heart :(

[Yrmyfavourite]

Sorry for the dramatic headline!

My 22 mo DD is the apple of my eye but, she MUCH prefers DH. I don't just mean that she generally favours him but, if she ever wakes in the night and I go in to comfort her, she will scream and push me away shouting WANT DADDY, until he comes in and cuddles her. A couple of other examples - If she falls over in a public place or, around family and friends, I am the last person by a country mile who she wants to comfort her. She just pushes me away and wants Grandad, Uncle, Daddy etc to pick her up. If I sit on the sofa next to them, she will say 'No Mummy, sit there' and point to the other sofa.

Bit of background, DD is our first child. I EBF for 2-3 months, then combo fed for another few months following. I went back to work when DD was about 10 months old after my maternity leave and DH and I both now work pretty much the same hours and spend equal time with her, with him sometimes working a little bit later but, no dramatic difference in the time he gets to spend with her.

We are both very playful and both discipline her, when necessary so, it isn't like he is the 'fun one' and I'm the one always saying "don't do that!"

It's starting to really upset me. I have sat and googled/scoured Mumsnet before, when she was going through a phase whereby DH couldn't go to the toilet and leave her with me without her having a full on meltdown. She would end up stood in fits of tears banging on the bathroom door until he came back. Whilst that phase eventually fizzled out, the Team Daddy attitude is evidently, not just a phase as, she has leaned towards him ever since she was old enough to understand.

The straw that broke this Mama's back last week, was when we were travelling back from a staycation with family and had a long drive (4-5 hours) so, opted to travel at night so that she could just sleep the whole way - side note, she is pretty much a perfect sleeper usually but, on this occasion was VERY overtired (The night before, my sister decided to put the washing machine on at midnight, right above her bedroom and woke her up, resulting in her not going back to sleep until 5am but... I digress )

She eventually nodded off with only an hour left of the journey and woke up about 10 minutes later crying for her Daddy. I got in the back of the car with her to comfort her and she started screaming, to the point where she was shaking and struggling to breath through her tears, trying to escape from her seat and we had to pull over so that DH could console her. It was almost as though she was having a full on panic attack and it was the worst moment, as a Mother, knowing that she didn't want me to console her or, even be anywhere near her whilst seeing her in such an upsetting state.

She woke up last night during the night and DH was fast asleep, I went in to try and console her and she was backing away from me in the cot saying 'No, want Daddy' getting more and more upset, as usual, hence me desperately writing this post today, feeling a bit emotionally battered.

All previous advice that I have received has been along the lines of ' Ahhhh all kids go through phases... sometimes Mummy, sometimes Daddy..' etc but, she has always been like this, past newborn stage so, I could really do with some advice on how to help it resolve, if even possible.

We have tried telling her no, Daddy is busy but, it just distresses her and the outcome is always all three of us feeling exhausted and emotional.

Again, sorry for the dramatic title but, it really is hurting me, as much as I know she loves me and don't worry about it in that sense. But, as a Mum, you can't help but feel that pang in your heart, every time she pushes you away

Oh @Yrmyfavourite that does sound tough. Have you always given in and got Daddy to go to her? If so is it possible you've trained her to keep going until she gets what she wants?
I realise how awful it must be but if he really wasn't there what would happen?

I think you need to push through the crying and stick with comforting her/looking after her until it works.

I wonder if you've got into a chicken and egg situation where she thinks you can't comfort her (because ultimately daddy always steps in), so she gets upset when you try so then daddy steps in reaffirming to her that it has to be daddy and on and on. She needs to know that you can do it too.

What's she like when DH isn't there?

Could you send some time with her without DH? Maybe he goes away for a weekend and it be just the two of you?

@DameCelia Thank you for replying!

We've tried both ways. E.g. Committing to me persisting with her but, she gets the stubbornness from her Mum and if she knows that DH is around, she won't give in. I hate seeing her get so upset, as does he so, we often do eventually give in.

If he isn't there from the get-go. E.g. If he's having a lie in and I get up with her, she's great with me and completely unphased by him not being there.

She's so switched on and clever, too so, she always knows if we are ever 'trying it on'

Ah sounds horrible for you. I agree with above poster. She does need to learn she cant have daddy all the time. We had the opposite I was a SAHM so I think that made a difference. We had to teach ds that he couldn't always have me.

@NuffSaidSam Thank you!

Do you have any tips for comforting toddlers when they are mid-tantrum? I usually try to sit with her and talk to her, helping her breath etc but, it's working less and less nowadays as, her emotions just escalate until Daddy steps in.

Such a good point re: chicken and the egg. I never thought of it this way!

@MilkCereal Thank you, it's tough

How did you and DH resolve it, would you just leave the room and wait for DH to calm your DC? I'd really appreciate any tips!

My ds does this with me in the night. Only I will do, he cannot have DH.

During the day I find milky buttons work mid tantrum...shoot me!

I don't have answers, will be interested in responses

@Horehound We have been known to turn to sugary bribery through desperate times, too!

I'm always hearing about DC only wanting Mummy. Can't help but feel as though I am doing something wrong!

We had this with DS but the other way round ie he only wanted me. It lasted until he was about 3. Both DH and I struggled with it as I never got a rest except when I was at work and he felt rejected. DS would eventually calm down if he had no choice ie I wasn’t home (except when he was still regularly bf and refusing bottle) so I started deliberately going out for an hour or two. It took time but he eventually learnt that he could be ok with DH with the meltdowns when I wasn’t there reducing in duration. He still preferred me for a few years eg still wanted me when ill but it wasn’t an issue. So try getting DH to go out more at the times your DD would normally struggle without him.

Sorry to hear that. I can imagine it really hurts :( Regarding the tantrums, I find with my mine that trying to actively engage with her makes it worse. Instead I will talk loudly to her soft toy about an exciting thing I need help with, or read a fav book to a toy. Sometimes this works as it distracts her and she will come over and engage, but it is on her terms if you see what I mean?

Mine were like that with DH when they were little.
Now they're older, they seek me out for cuddles and love. Don't worry. It won't last forever. It is horrible at the time I agree xx

Oh OP I feel you, DS is 27 months and has always favoured his dad. It’s never been as extreme as you describe, he usually wants me for comfort, but he much prefers his dad to do things generally! It used to really bother me at first but actually it’s ok now and it has got loads better, now I’ve got my head around the fact it doesn’t mean anything really.

The way we dealt with it was sticking to routine, so I do bedtime one night and Dh the other, we had a phase where he only wanted his dad and screamed and screamed but (we follow the big little feelings method on Instagram - it works) Dh got down to his level and said calmly, I understand you want me to do bath and bed tonight but it’s mum’s turn, daddy will do it tomorrow.

And then though the screaming I’d just repeat to him over and over, I can see you’re upset that you want daddy to do bedtime but it’s mum’s turn to tonight, daddy will do it tomorrow. And then ask him to choose what book he wanted etc. After about a week it just stopped and he realised he wasn’t getting DH when he asked for him.

Nowadays he makes a half hearted efforts for his dad but we just follow the same calm routine, both of us using the same method.

When it’s just the two of us (I work part time and have him on my own quite a lot) it’s absolutely fine and he doesn’t even notice his dad isn’t there.

I think the most important thing to understand is that it’s not you. It’s something she’s got into her head and will pass.

Well first of all she is fine with you alone if you get up with her out of bed. Thats a good sign anyway.I imagine it must be hurtful to you ,but I think little girls often seem to favour their daddies .My DD was always thrilled when DH came back from work (I was /am a SAHM).Sometimes they get beside themselves when upset ,and it seems almost like DD finds Daddy a sort of Comfort Blanket! I think while its hurtful to you, 22 months is getting near the dreaded "Terrible Twos" and this is a bad stage usually! Does she have a favourite toy ? Can you bring it to her when shes not upset ,so she sees you as the key to Teddy sort of thing .I wouldnt worry about other DC always wanting their Mums ,its only because they are there more if SAHM/PT or whatever .Play and engage as much as you can while shes happy .

At the risk of sounding ridiculous...kids tantrum as they know it works and if you give in always then they know they have to up the screaming to make parent give in.

Is it possible this is just some bizarre reverse tantrum where she now knows she has to scream her guts out and go full throttle to make you give in and she knows you will. May not even wnat it that much?

Send DH away for the weekend?

Sorry to hear that OP and it would sound helpful but you seem to be taking this personally, that it feels like a judgement about you as a mother and you almost seem frightened of letting her tantrum. You'll end up in the same situation with your DD appearing to prefer your DH and you feeling bad if you are not willing to bite the bullet until the tide turns and she replaces him with you in the preference hierarchy. What do you think will happen if you let her tantrum run its course rather than comfort her? You say she's got her mother's stubbornness so show it or live with the status quo. Be willing to tell her no and sit next to her. Eventually, you risk not just feeling bad because she prefers your DH but helping her think the whole world will do what she wants which proabbly won't help her be happy at school or with other children.

Good luck.

I can only imagine how awful this makes you feel 💕 I think that whilst it seems like a good thing at the moment that you have equal time with her, you need to up your time alone with her to reassure her that mummy can deal with the difficult times too. So, times when daddy is just not available and there’s no choice but for her to have you. Obviously that wouldn’t work on your car journey when daddy was blatantly available. The more she can rely on you to soothe her, the more less likely she is to always turn to daddy. It sounds a little like you are fearful of her inability to settle her and she probably picks up on that - like a previous poster says a chicken and egg situation.

Oh OP. That sounds rough.

My DS has done similar since he was 2 1/2 (now 4 1/4) with wanting DH all the time, though not as extreme. I hate being rejected and DH was so exhausted from being the go to parent all the time.
The only thing that is slowly working is us having times where DH is "at work" so DS understood that DH wasn't available.
So if DH was working early the next morning, he would "go to work" at DS' bedtime and I would be on call at nighttime. That way he didn't kick off if it was me in the night or if DH wasn't around in the morning. We also did similar if DH was working an evening shift, we would say he wasn't home till the morning. It meant DH got more sleep and we didn't have kick offs in the middle of the night.
I'll admit it's not brilliant and it took a long time to get to this point as DS still prefers his daddy, but it's slowly getting better.

I don’t think you need to comfort a toddler through a tantrum, just let them blow themselves out and be ready for cuddles afterwards. When they really lose control like that you are just white noise. Sounds like you are lacking confidence with her, she senses it screams for Dad more, you lose more confidence etc.... vicious circle. It sounds really tough but you are a loving mum and it will soon be a memory of a difficult phase.

Is there something lovely and special that only you do with her? Really ham that up, “special mummy time!” or whatever and take her for hot chocolate or to a particular park she loves or the trampoline place or whatever. And I would take turns at bedtime as well or getting up or whatever the trigger points are, and if it’s your night to put her down that’s it, you do it and DH doesn’t come in under any circumstances. She will get the idea.

Also all this she’s stubborn, so clever, doesn’t let us try it on.... I know it’s partly a turn of phrase but you do sound in awe of her! Remember she’s only little and she will even much happier if she knows you are in charge. You aren’t trying it on with her, you are the available parent and that’s it. Likewise when she is crying and upset in tbe car, she gets offered a snack and drink and perhaps a story CD, but under no circumstances will Daddy stop on the motorway, end of, and she can scream herself hoarse if she wishes but that’s it. She will sense if you are resolute, she will test you but she will get it.

My DD was a massive daddy's girl, when she was 5 she went into hospital to have an operation under general anaesthetic and she asked for him to take her in rather than me

If it makes you feel any better she's now 13 and we are super close

Yes it was tough but sometimes dh firmly said that mummy was busy/asleep and daddy would help. It was tough and heart breaking but needed to be done x

Ah this is common but it’s so upsetting. DS1 is a mummy’s boy, leaving poor DH feeling quite rejected at times. It’s not nice to witness. However since DS2 has come along, DS1 has had to accept that he can’t have me all the time.

For example, DH would always do bath and I would always do stories and tuck in. However DS2 is EBF and sometimes their bedtimes clash. So DS1 has simply had to learn that sometimes Daddy has to do stories. It’s been easier to be firm about it because DS2 genuinely needs feeding and therefore it’s non negotiable and I couldn’t give in. He made a fuss at first and even now will ask “mummy are you doing stories tonight? I want you to do stories” but he doesn’t fuss any more if I say it’s Daddy’s night. The other night he even said “Oh goody, I like it when Daddy does stories now!”

I was also very unwell in my pregnancy so if DS1 woke in the night, DH would have to deal with it, even though DS1 was always crying for Mummy. Only once or twice I think DH felt it had got out of hand and came to wake me up, mostly he managed to resettle DS1 once he realised that night wakes were Daddy.

So, in summary, I think a bit of gentle but consistently firm rules about Daddy’s availability might help in your scenario. She’s going to object at first but if you both stand firm, and Daddy supports you by talking positively about your involvement (ooh mummy is doing stories tonight, lucky you, mummy is so good at reading stories! Etc), I think you’ll see an improvement. But if you say something is happening a certain way, you’ll need to stick to it rather than teaching her that she needs to up the ante to hysterics then you’ll back down.

Hi All! So sorry for ghosting, been a busy couple of days.

Thank you so much for all of the advice and for taking the time to reply, if you have been in the same boat before! I've had a good read through and will take all of the comments on board.

A little progress story...
After writing my most recent post, I went to pick DD up from nursery. Usually, when she sees me, her face pretty much drops and her first word is 'Daddy?'. I then, have to coax her into the car with comments such as "Let's go home and see if Daddy is there" etc. Now that I am writing it down, I am fully aware that comments such as this don't help me one bit but, we've all been there before, trying to avoid a public meltdown, haven't we!

Anyway, she came running out of nursery with her arms up and shouted 'HI MUMMY' with a huge grin on her face. Then, when i picked her up and stood chatting to her key worker, she rested her head on my chest and nuzzled in to me. And there she stayed until the end of the conversation. She's naturally quite an energetic child and so, generally not very cuddly outside of bedtime, especially if there is a conversation that she could be involved in! She certainly never usually ever puts her head down on me, only Daddy gets those type of special cuddles so, you can imagine how much it meant to me. I felt like I could have burst into tears right there after getting myself in such a tizz about it earlier in the day

Now, as you can imagine, it was very short lived. We got home and I asked if she wanted to play with her ball, I threw the ball to her, she picked it up and immediately threw it to Daddy, who was sat legs up on the sofa and refused to play with Mummy. However, DH was persistent and kept throwing the ball back to me and telling her he was busy. Then, he left the room and I played a couple of different games with her. When he came back, she happily carried on playing with me for the duration.

Last night, he worked late and so, I stepped up fun mode. We bounced on the bed, had tickles, played for ages in the bath... and so on. Then, when DH got home and she was having some milk with him on the sofa, she stood up and climbed over him. He asked where she was going and she said 'Want Mummy!' Yaaaaay! Felt like my heart was going to burst.

Those little moments made me feel so much better and made me realise that it isn't all doom and gloom! It's also made me feel so much better being able to vent a little bit and hear other people's experiences! I think sometimes, we need a little confidence boost. It's really hard because, it can make me feel a bit like an outsider and I often find myself seeking her approval and pussyfooting around her. As I say, she's very bloody clever so, she probably cottoned on to this pretty quickly and plays up on it!

Thank you again so much everyone! I will keep you posted if anything changes (for better, hopefully )

xx

Brilliant news! Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s clearly working.