Help, freaking out about having two!

[Howtotameyourtoddler]

I'm sure this has been done to death, so sorry in advance.

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with our much wanted second baby. We already have a daughter, who will be almost three when this one arrives. I have had had the occasional fret about the realities of having two, but it's suddenly hit me today and I'm panicking!

I'm so, so close to my daughter. She's the light of my life and I can't imagine throwing another little person into our mix. I miss her already, isn't that ridiculous? And I feel like I'm about to ruin her life. What if this next kid is a little terror who makes her life hell? What if he has additional needs and she has to take a backseat? (Both of these played out in my own childhood, although I wouldn't send my brother back now!) And how the heck do I manage to look after the needs of two small kids?? I can't get my head around how I'm going to cope with a demanding toddler and a newborn, on no sleep.

I just need some reassurance and advice on how to manage this transition, both for me and my partner, and for our daughter.

We're going to start taking her to a club or a class on a Saturday, so she has her own baby-free thing to do each week. She's potty trained and out of a cot, and she's spending a bit more time with family now so she's happy to be looked after by others when the baby arrives. She goes to nursery two days a week, which will continue - she adores it. I'm asking family not to lay on the "you're a big girl now" stuff, I want to reassure her that she's still my baby too and just as special. Does this all sound sensible or daft?

Help! ... must be the hormones, just typing this has me weeping.

Hi OP, I felt similar, but it's all worked out fine. I think it's normal to mourn the end of DC1 being your only child. I've certainly struggled with feelings of guilt about being less available to DC1 because I have to look after DC2 as well now. But I try to focus on the positives and the fact that I've given him a sibling. He adores her and I think it's important for him to learn to share attention and everything else. IMO 3 years is a good age gap because the older one can continue going to nursery/preschool and is reasonably independent (if already potty trained that's a big plus!)

I'm not going to lie, it is hard work with them both, especially dealing with DC1 - who is ridiculously high energy and doesn't nap - after a broken night with DC2. My tips are to get DP to take a bit more time off work than the standard 2 weeks, if possible (eg use annual leave or parental leave), if you have family who can come and spend a day or half a day with you when DP is working and you have both children, that'll make it easier too.

DC2 has naps on the go when we're out and about with DC1, although I do also try to make sure she has decent naps at home as much as possible. While she's asleep I try to give DC1 as much attention as I can.

Nursery is a godsend tbh, I enjoy the quiet days with baby while DC1 is there! He's been going 3 days a week.

I have the same age gap and I’m not going to lie the first few weeks were hell and I felt so guilty. DD1 said for the first year of DD2 life that she loved her but wished we hadn’t had her. Now they are 5 and 2 and get on so well - they play together while I have a cup of tea. I can leave them playing upstairs together and make dinner. They love each other very much and gets lots out of each other.

I felt exactly the same. What I found hardest was dd1 going to DH more as I was busy and I remember streaming with tears because he was reading her a story (hormones!) After about 3 months though it was fine and we have our bond back and she LOVES her sibling so much. Id underestimated how much she would like it.

What I would say is that if you feel you need more nursery time for her then do that now rather than later so it doesn't look like you're pushing her out.

Thank you everyone for the reassurance. The honesty is appreciated as well - I'm expecting the first weeks (months?) to be hard, but I just need to know it gets easier and that my daughter will forgive me!

I remember when I was pregnant for the first time and I was terrified that I wouldn't love my baby. Three years later, pregnant again and I'm worried I can't love this baby as much as I love that baby

Congratulations.

I have no idea what it’s actually like, I’m 34+4 and DS1 is 13.5 months, but I just wanted to say I have had all the same thoughts.

Cried about it. Still do sometimes when I look at him and think he has no idea we’re about to have to split our attention.

He deserves the entire world, I am hoping we will feel exactly the same when no2 arrives. It’s hard though, I love the little person DS1 is becoming and I wonder how we will manage newborn and toddler. Part of that though is the fact we already know exactly what it’s like/what it takes to have a newborn now, whereas before we didn’t have a clue.

So just think you’re more prepared now than you were with your first, and you will almost certainly be fine.

I felt the same, even though we were excited about our second baby I felt bad that it would take attention away from our little boy. There's 2 years between them & I needn't have worried, they're obsessed with each other & he loves his little sister more than anything. Like someone else has said, I can now leave them to play together & I love listening to them playing and making up stories. Two is hard, especially when they both want or need your attention, one cries & the other copies etc.. but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I love that they both have a sibling to play with & grow up with and your heart definitely expands to love them both equally.
When they arrive I'm sure you'll wonder what you were ever worried about but it's totally normal to feel this way too. Good luck for when the time comes

I've got a similar age gap and it's great - DS1 is really helpful and likes to be a big boy plus things like wee and poo are quite funny to 3yos which is handy because that's what babies do. If anything the baby was ignored for months because my eldest needed more attention, he's a remarkably easy going baby and it's a joy to see the two of them playing together (as best they can when one of you is 9mo).

Slightly different as I have a much bigger age gap (6.5 years) but it was incredibly hard going from 1 to 2 in terms of splitting my time equally and feeling like I’m missing out with my eldest. DH and I try to swap ourselves between the two of them. If one of us is doing DD2’s bedtime, the other one does DD1’s bedtime and we alternate. We take it in turns to take her to her clubs whilst the other one stays at home with DD2. It’s bath time for both of them at the same time and dinner time at the same time. They both adore each other and I can’t wait for DD2 to be a bit older and be able to play properly with DD1. We just got back from a short break at Legoland because we knew DD1 would love it. DD2 couldn’t care less about Lego but found it hard being too confined to the buggy for a few days. The focus was on DD1 though.

The bit I’m finding tricky is that DD1 is so independent and mature but actually still needs mummy and daddy sometimes. She needs us to be available for hugs and stories and playing with her just as much as DD2 needs us. DD2 is being very clingy to me at the moment and DD1 is feeling left out. It also doesn’t help that as soon as DH or I are hugging DD1, DD2 crawls straight over because she doesn’t want to not be involved in the hug too.

"I'm worried I can't love this baby as much as I love that baby"
Yes I worried about that but of course we can and do love another just as much. I've been bowled over by just how much love I have for my newest little sleep thief bundle of joy. It's true what everyone says; that your heart just expands.