Should I keep DS2 back to please DS1?

[Skeletor]

My boys have very different personalities. DS2 doesn't care about much at all, he's very happy go lucky and just finds everything funny. DS1 however is very uptight and gets very jealous. Everytime DS2 achieves anything DS1 whinges that its crap and he couldn't done it better. If dS2 gets anything, DS1 MUST have it too however if DS1 gets anything, ds2 doesnt bat an eye lid.

Anyway DS1 has been doing karate for the past year and has recently failed his grading. DS2 joined a few months after DS1 and is about to take the grading and according to his teacher, he's likely to pass.

DS1 wants me to stop DS2 going for the grade saying its unfair as he would be a higher belt then him even though he hasn't been going as long.

DS2 doesn't care either way but surely if he earns it he earns it?

Should I stop ds2 from grading until ds1 passes his or is that really unfair?
DS1 has dyspraxia so has much more difficulty than DS2, hence the failed grade in the first place.

No. Definitely not. It's sending the message that he can have all his own way. DS2 might not be bothered now but when he gets older it might change. DS1 can't be let to think that his dyspraxia means everyone else must pander to him (souonds cruel I know but friends tried this approach and now their eldest is a monster)

Well I am guessing that it is too late in the day for ds2 not to take up karate. Given the difference in temperments it might be easier to avoid too much competition between them. But given that ds2 is doing karate, then no, I wouldn't hold him back. It is unfair to ds2 and at best only delays ds1's hurt feelings (what if ds1 doesn't pass the grade next time - and then what about the next grade etc).

Oh dear. I'm afraid your DS1 is having to learn early that life isn't fair.

I think the way karate works is that your DS2 really should do his grades when he's ready for them else he'll be stuck doing the same kattas when he's ready to move on. Can you discuss the dilemma with the teacher - he may have some suggestions how to handle it.

Is there anything your DS1 really enjoys that Ds2 wouldn't - develop separate interests so there is no direct competition? I realise it must be hard to arrange different activities but if you had a boy and a girl you probably would.

You can't stop ds2 doing the grade. Not fair on him and wrong message to ds1. Echo what others said about trying to find them different things to do (although sympathise that this will mean more running around for you).

I agree with what you have all said, I do understand that it must be hard for Ds1 as DS2 does seem to get along better in everything he does other than academic stuff where DS1 shines.

The only interest DS1 has is computers, other than that they're both mad on karate. The instructor isnt very sympathetic and just tells ds1 to stop whinging.

Hum. Is this the only karate club in your area? Although - if he is keen enough on karate not to be put off - having a tough instructor might not be such a bad thing.

TBH I think the dyspraxia is a red herring. Sometines my ds1 says exactly the same sort of putdowns about dd. I think it's jealousy, pure and simple. OK, he may be aware that the dyspraxia makes him 'different', and perhaps he's struggling to come to terms with it. Nonetheless, his condition cannot be allowed to dictate to the rest of the world.

I agree that ds2 should be allowed to take his grading, but I think you really need to give them separate opportunitites to achieve - even though it may be tough on you.

Also I think you need to work on the relationship between the two boys.

I have the female versions of your DS1&2. It is painful to watch sometimes; DD1 has worked really hard to achieve in physical activities despite her dyspraxia and then DD2 comes up behind and does it all effortlessly, and with a smile.
However, I do feel it would be wrong to hold DD2 back. They need to learn to be happy with their own abilities and limitations and to value what effort brings them. I try to always praise effort rather than achievement to encourage this. Also, DD1, like your DS1, is strong academically, whereas DD2 has to work really hard to achieve the same results at school, and this will become relatively more important as they get older.
I suggest rather than holding your DS2 back, you encourage your DS1 to try really hard to get his as soon as he is ready. I do know that adorable as DD1 is, she has the potential as the eldest to think her younger siblings should stay in line behind her, and they do need to know that this isn't how it works. Otherwise we are in danger of damaging their long-term relationship with each other.

dd is being put up to the swimming level ds only left 2 terms ago, and the next down from his current one. He was a bit miffed but was gracious enough to be pleased for her. I don't think you can hold the younegr one back , if it becomes a real issue offer to find an alternative actvity for ds1 alone.

In DDs swimming class theres a 9 year old boy and his 6 year old sister. Its not that uncommon I think.

No, you shouldn't hold ds2 back ... instead work on ds1's self esteem and build his confidence so he can take it in his stride. It will be a much more valuable skill for him in the long run ...

Emsmum... I don't know you, do I? My 9-yr-old boy and his 6-yr-old sister were in the same swimming class last term -- the humiliation was possibly what finally gave DS2 the determination to swim or drown trying.

I feel for you, Skeletor -- my DS2 has appalling writing, can't draw for toffee, can't sit still, struggles to swim, run, kick a ball or behave at school, and his little sister is treading on his heels all the way.