Ex MIL asking for birthday cards back after daughter’s birthday

[CatLady1987]

Hi all

Long story to cut short here. Me and ex split two years ago as a result of something horrible he did. His mother is still in our lives and I let her see her grandchild quite a bit. My little one is coming up 2 this week and they’ve sent cards (one from ex MIL, one from her parents and one from my little one’s dad). I allowed ex MIL to see my little one a few days before his birthday as I’m taking him away for the day.

She brought cards and little one’s present and then asked for the cards back after his birthday is over. She wants to make a special box (presume memory box?) for him. I get the impression she thinks I’ve binned all the other cards they’ve got for him as why suddenly start asking for them back? I haven’t binned them, they’re all safe in a special box I’ve made for him.

Just wondering what other folks’ thoughts were? She’s quite a bully and has been pretty horrible to me over the last two years (not that I’m trying to moan!) but I just don’t see why she’d want birthday cards back that are for my son?

Many thanks

@NowEvenBetter - I couldn’t rely on him to arrange anything, he’s absolutely useless, amongst other things!

I don’t know why I give her so much tbh, she is quite literally awful 😞

Just checking, you didn't already give her the cards as she caught you unawares with the request?

Just tell her you've put them in the recycling.

You could give them back but take pics of DC holding them, and also a picture of them in your memory box. Send the pics to MIL so she knows you are keeping a record too x

Would be a firm NO from me

Very odd request for her to make imo. If you have them in your own memory box that is where they should stay

I would also be wary that she is gearing up to say “your mum returned all me cards/see I did send them”. Just say thanks, you’ve kept them in his memory box already

‘Couldn’t rely on him to arrange anything’
This isn’t your problem. The grandmother won’t behave herself so you no longer deal with her, she can sort contact via her awful son, and if that doesn’t go well it’s entirely their issue.
‘Oh dear. Nevermind.’

I'd be taking a step back from her and slowly reducing how much she sees my child.

This woman has bullied you, that's a good enough reason for limited contact.

It's not normal to ask for cards back, I can't think of an explanation that makes sense.

Invite her over to see Grandson and to look at his memory box you made him. She will need to send 2 cards if she wants one back. I would give her a photo of grandchild with all his cards and cake though. I would remind her you both love DC and both want what is in his best interest.

She's a bully and nasty to you.

I would stop the regular visits, if you really want to once a month is enough.

I'd not give her anything back, I'd tell her you binned them. So what that's what you do with cards, enjoy them for a short while and then put them in the recycling.

If you keep all the cards your son receives ever from everyone you'll need a very large house

My ex used to see my ds supervised by my ex mil at soft play.

They gave gifts and took them home. I had an upset ds all afternoon. I emailed mil and told her either give the gifts to ds or not at all.
He got his gifts from then on.

I don't think people really get the idea of a gift. I would take a photo of dc with card and send her that.

OP take a picture of the front and inside of the cards. Also take a picture of your son in front of the cards but so you can see it is inside your house.

Then tell her you put the cards in a memory box and have a picture of your son with the cards, but if she wants them back she can have them.

If she is then planning on doing something batshit around them you now have photographic proof that she is talking shit.

Also slowly remove her from your life as his father should be the one to facility his contact with her not you.

Does she have unsupervised access? Has she asked for any? Beware as she does sound quite calculating especially given her treatment of you...

Well done for maintaining contact with your MiL. Please, if you can, continue the contact. Good communication and boundaries are key.

My DiL has blocked us from any contact with her and our DGD. We miss DiL and DGD so much and have no idea of how our DGD is, or whether she wonders what has happened to us?

She sounds like a right CF! She should be grateful you're nice enough to let her have such frequent contact. Give the card back and tell her not to bother giving one next time!

@ByersGreen

Well done for maintaining contact with your MiL. Please, if you can, continue the contact. Good communication and boundaries are key.

My DiL has blocked us from any contact with her and our DGD. We miss DiL and DGD so much and have no idea of how our DGD is, or whether she wonders what has happened to us?

Why does your son not arrange for you to have contact with his child?

If DH & I split i think I would facilitate a relationship between my DC and the IL’s. But that’s because I have a close relationship with them and actually like them.

My older DC don’t see any of their fathers family because they were utterly poisonous. And why on earth would I put my poor children through that?

I would play her at her own game. "ExMIL, I've had another think about the cards and I'm going to keep them in his memory box here. I think it's important that everything from both sides is together so he doesn't see one side as less than the other. It's the same reason I make sure he sees you even though it's not possible for him to see his dad as often."

@frazzledasarock

DiL is refusing all contact.
DS is following the legal process to have his time. DiL has refused to carry through the last arrangements the court made. The case is having to go back again. It all takes time sadly.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. Really appreciate it. Sadly ex MiL is in charge of supervising her son’s contact with my son and is named so, so I can’t really cut her out of our lives, nor him, much as I’d love to. She doesn’t have any unsupervised access as I won’t allow that, although I do allow her to see him regularly.

I appreciate all your advice and recommendations. The idea of a photo with the cards is a good one. I’ve decided she’s not having them back, they belong to my son. I’m not going to mention it unless she brings it up again, at which point I will say they’re my son’s cards, you gave them to him. She thinks I’m vindictive like she is and that I won’t keep them.

@ByersGreen - I would hope (and I’m sure you haven’t) treated your DiL the way my ex MiL has treated me. Whilst I appreciate it’s a sensitive topic for you, it’s really not as simple as just keeping up contact with her (for me) as she has sadly bullied and blamed me for another person’s actions in the past, she is controlling and manipulative. Nothing is ever good enough and every time I see her she wants more. It’s quite tough, but still I try. I hope you get to see your DGD soon. I just wish families weren’t so complex!

Just a thought, since you are (rightly/kindly) seeing her every week to facilitate contact, why not tell her the real reason you're not giving the cards back? Instead of saying they belong to your son, which could perpetuate mistrust, tell her you are making a memory box for him and it's really important to you/for him that his paternal family's stuff is in there. It's true after all and might allay any fears they may have. Might actually make your life easier?

Thanks for your comment. If she asks for them I’ll tell her they’re for her grandson and she gave them him in good faith as it’s his birthday. I’ve never know anyone ask for their birthday cards back, it’s weird.

I don’t want to allay their fears, in all honesty. If she doesn’t believe I’m keeping them safe, she needs to come out and say it. I suspect her request for them to be returned is twofold, she was trying to get more contact with him a few moments before asking for them back 🥺

It’s exhausting managing her behaviour, in all honesty.