Mum guilt for shouting at difficult toddler

[Moonshine160]

DS is 28 months old and was a very easy, chilled out baby and I absolutely loved it, felt like the luckiest mum in the world. Fast forward to the toddler stage and he is very boisterous and hyperactive, doesn’t stop for two seconds, and has taken to biting, scratching, pinching, pulling my hair and throwing things at me. He started at first to do this behaviour when he was really excited about something but now he does it whenever he’s angry or frustrated, or if I don’t allow him to do something. I have scratches all over my neck, arms and stomach from him attacking me (I know how pathetic that sounds). I’m at breaking point and I’ve started shouting at him when he does this, and then he gets upset and needs a cuddle. I have never wanted to be a shouty mum and I can deal with the tantrums but I can’t deal with the pain that he keeps inflicting on me, he actually draws blood sometimes. Me and DH have now had an argument because he said I shouldn’t shout at him because he’s too young and I’ll scare him, but I don’t feel like I do it out of choice, I just snap because I can’t take it anymore. I feel riddled with mum guilt for shouting and feel pathetic and incompetent for struggling so much to cope with this behaviour. Any advice please?

Longer term it’d be good to find and head off the triggers for biting, scratching etc, but tbh I think it’s fine sometimes to raise your voice in response to unacceptable behaviour and shock them - “No! We don’t hit!”. They need to understand it’s unacceptable. It’s not something I’d do frequently but I have done it.

Does he have a quiet place to go when he starts getting frustrated, do you give him time out. How does he get so close to you that he can bite, scratch and pull your hair. Why does he get so angry, does he witness you and your dh arguing. Does your dh help at all, play with him, distract him, teach him not to attack you. I would speak to his doctor really just to see if they can help, it sounds very difficult for everyone.

I dont shout and rant and rave, but I also don’t think it’s harmful to express pain relative to the level it’s been inflicted when it’s done purposefully.

DS is a big strong boy for 4, and dives on me/drags on me/jumps on me/hits me -sometimes in play (despite being told to
Stop), sometimes in anger.

Every, single, time, i say “ow” as loudly as I’m instinctively inclined to, proportionate to the hurt. And on occasion I’ve cried in pain (bust lip for example when he’s head butted me) and I haven’t hid it from him.

I’m not saying am-dram is required- just letting him see the reality of the impact of his actions. If nothing else it’s important they know that mummies are human beings with feelings like everyone else- not climbing frames. Not trampolines, not punch bags or insensate lumps.

I think too often we try to mask that from our children. I don’t think it helps them long term at all.