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how old before you leave a baby to cry?

28 replies

mindy26 · 27/11/2007 20:37

my dd is 8 weeks old and every1 keeps saying im going to spoil her because i wont just leave her to cry, the way i see it is shes too young to leave and when she cries its for a reason, i dont jump up to her at the slightest wee noise but i just wont let her cry and cry, dp and mil make me feel terrible about this.

OP posts:
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colditz · 27/11/2007 20:39

she is too young, you are absolutely right. Follow your feelings, and guess what? Your Mil had her chance - the menopause is for a reason - it's to stop MILs having babies!

belgo · 27/11/2007 20:40

I got told this all the time. Ignore them, and do what you feel is best.

Columbia · 27/11/2007 20:41

Trust yourself on this and well, evrything else. She's your baby and you know her best. Polite but firm, is the way to go but don't let people tell you what to do with your baby. You are her mum!

No, it is never going to spoil her - babies who are left to cry in these early months cry more throughout their first year, it has been shown. they need as quick a response as you are able to give and good on you for giving her that response. Well done.

I never leave mine to cry unless I truly can't get to them, like I'm taking something out the oven etc. and then I run straight to them as soon as I am free to. They are very unspolit!!!

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talktothebees · 27/11/2007 20:47

far far far too young to be left to cry. You're absolutely right that when she cries it's for a reason even if the reason is she's lonely and wants a cuddle.

have they explained what on earth they think leaving an 8 week old to cry will achieve?

You are right. They are wrong. Tell them to bog off.

fizzbuzz · 27/11/2007 20:48

leaving her to cry

Follow your feelings, they are your guide. There is loads of info that leaving them to cry causes real distress and anxiety.

I am sure someone who is more knowledgable (and less tired!) will be able to post you loads of links

Amethyst8 · 27/11/2007 20:49

Have never left my kids to cry, when it is proper crying and definitely not at 8 weeks old. They are too young. They are crying for a reason. Always picked both of my kids up and comforted them as soon as they started crying unless as Columbia said I really couldnt get to them ie they are in car seat and we are driving on the motorway or something.

They are both really secure, well attached kids now with excellent sleeping habits. They both play really well together and alone. Don t always want attention all the time because they know then when they need attention I am there immediately. People always comment on how well they play and how undemanding they are.

You know best, you are her Mum. Just follow your feelings and honestly you won t go far wrong.

splishsplosh · 27/11/2007 20:53

If you respond to your dd's needs when she cries, you'll give her confidence and a sense of security because she knows she can rely on you to meet her needs. And that'll make for a happier, more secure child in the long run.

LongMeg · 27/11/2007 20:56

Even the chap who came up with the Controlled Crying technique doesn't recommend it for babies less than 12 months old.

Stick to your guns, you can't spoil a tiny baby. If she needs you then she needs you; it really is as simple as that while she is so tiny.

talktothebees · 27/11/2007 20:57

spoiling her? as if! She cries, you respond so she is learning "when I feel bad, mummy comes and makes me feel better". How on earth is that spoiling her?

sorry to return to the thread so soon but I found I was muttering angrily to myself about this and it's disturbing DP's football watching.

you keep doing what you know in your heart is right for your baby.

seeker · 27/11/2007 20:59

I"M not old enough to be left to cry and I'm 50!

Tiny babies do not have wants that aren't also needs. She needs to know that she is important and that people care about her and will keep her safe.

Remember, being left to cry by his mum turned your dp into the sort of person who thinks it's OK to leave an 8 week old baby to cry!

JoanWilder · 27/11/2007 21:00

dont leave her...you instinctively know what to do. inmy experience MIL and mums conveniently forget what they did

Walnutshell · 27/11/2007 21:01

don't cross your instincts, you will regret it. she is a baby, pick her up, shower her with love. enjoy.

somersetmum · 27/11/2007 21:02

They are probably just concerned about you, and would rather you left your dd to cry for a few minutes so you get a rest.

Explain to them that you can rest with your baby in your arms and then snuggle down on the sofa/bed with her.

ChubbyScotsBurd · 27/11/2007 21:05

lol seeker - good point!

I agree. Go with your instincts. I was in a similar situation - MIL says DP was in her bed for years because HER MIL wouldn't let her leave him to cry! I was very unsure when my DS was born as to what to do for the best but had read a lot of research to show that crying in the long term can inhibit normal neurological development. My DP also thinks a bit of crying is fine - but I disagree and I'm home all day so guess what - no crying!

All it will teach your baby is that nobody comes when she's cold/tired/hungry/sore/needs a cuddle. You don't want your 8 week old baby to learn that!

Acinonyx · 27/11/2007 21:16

Oh I get this too - even more now dd's nearly 2.5. Very irritating - as if there were soemthing bizarre about not wanting your dc to be distressed.

mindy26 · 27/11/2007 21:38

its so good to know that im not just being daft lol, i am the 1 who knows best about my own dd, im the 1 who is with her 24/7, it absolutely breaks my heart when she cries (had her 1st jags yest and i was a wreck all day lol from the min i got up i was so nervous,she only cried for a few mins tho) , dp thinks he knows best cos he has 2 children already and dd s my 1st!

OP posts:
walkinginaWILKIEwonderland · 27/11/2007 21:40

What utter bollocks - 8 weeks is TOO young.

I was an advocate of CC until I had my DS. I will leave him to cry for 10 mins max now (he is 10.5month) but have only felt comfortable doing this for the past month or so.

Go with your instincts and politely tell people that you will parent your own way!

scouserabroad · 27/11/2007 21:41

I used to get told that all the time, because I carried DD1 around a lot when she was tiny. She's 17 months now, not spoilt or clingy or anything! I seem to carry DD2 (8 weeks) about quite a bit too But having said that, she gets quite narky in the evenings & sometimes I put her down and let her have a proper good cry for 5 - 10 minutes. Then when I pick her up again she seems quite relaxed, and often goes to sleep, as if the cry did her good. If I keep her with me all the time, she usually stays awake & half - crying for ages. So maybe crying is good for them sometimes

Columbia · 28/11/2007 06:33

indeed, scouser...sorry. Sometimes when a baby is actually very tired (an older baby, not an 8 week old) they do a certain cry which says 'I'm fed up cos I'm nearly asleep' in which case no, I still wouldn't let them 'cry it out' for 10 minutes...I would pick them up and walk around with them, gently boouncing/rocking them close to me till they stopped and went to sleep.

It might be that they have a tummy ache, imagine when you have indigestion and it is horrible to be in certain positions like lying down...they can't tell you if they are in pain.

I think crying is never actually good for them. Sometimes it's hard to find a reason for it, hard to get them comfy or happy enough to stop - doesn't mean you should just leave them to it imo.

There is incontravertable evidence that leaving a small baby to cry raises certain hormone levels in its brain, which in turn set a pattern for the rest of its life. Babies who are left to cry are more prone to stress and depression later in life. The first 6 months of a baby's life are crucially important to the healthy development of its brain etc.

Mindy please be confident, for all we know your dp's other children might be far less secure than yours will be . He isn't the expert just because he's 'done it before'.

My ex used to think he was king of childcare because his kids were older. I thought they seemed pretty miserable personally, poor things...he was mortally pissed off when I refused to beat my children!!!! And he hadn't even done that to his, just wanted me to do what he said.

I ditched him

nappyaddict · 28/11/2007 06:53

i disagree. bouncing, rocking and walking around with an overtired baby can be far too stimulating.

milou2 · 28/11/2007 06:56

Just had a look at the op.

My first instinct is that your dp and mil are mortally jealous of seeing your lo getting cuddled and held amd of you being the one to be (tired out maybe) but the one who is the one giving the love and attention and physical closeness.

Stuff em and love your baby.

For wht it's worth I found I had a sort of sea change when my first got to a year. At tht point I got more ratty about wanting to put out the rubbish or go to the loo for longer than 30 seconds and simply did start to let mine cry while I did something. Then I'd feel remorseful and pick up and cuddle.Same with my second when he got to a year. Mind you my first would tell me to just feed him when I left my second to cry for a bit while I did something!!!So HE was the one telling me he just wants you Mummy.

That older one has just been sitting on my knee having a look at this message and it's lovely! He's 12 year 8, in school uniform about to go to school by mainline train and I do yell at him adn vice versa sometines.

I think the older members of a family can haveb terrible regression moments, so let them rage a bit, it won't hurt them too much. I'm talking about teh adults here.

Columbia · 28/11/2007 09:29

Nappyaddict maybe you are right. I only meant it in a gentle way, I am just too much of a wuss to leave mine crying, hurts my ears

Sometimes it is probably Ok if they are beyond comforting except by falling asleep.

But I didn't want to confuse the Op.

nappyaddict · 28/11/2007 12:17

i don't leave ds to cry at any time apart from this, i only leave him 5 mins. if he cries for more than this i know he is not ready to go to sleep yet. but by leaving him to cry for those 5 mins it is responding to him cos that cry actually means stop jiggling me around i really want to go to sleep - LEAVE ME IN PEACE!!

Columbia · 28/11/2007 12:22

Oh I see...yes that sounds reasonable! Sorry if my post came across as a criticism.

Sometimes I get very bossy

claraenglish · 28/11/2007 13:40

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