DEaling with Granddaughter

[KC001]

This is more of a rant, but if someone has any advice or feedback.

Six months after my granddaughter was born the company I worked for demanded I go and wok abroad for a few months, six months max they told me.

After retiring last year I finally made it back three months ago, , my granddaughter is now eight! I so looked forward to spending time with her. I saw her four times a year, up to three weeks at a time, not an angel but a sweet, polite girl.

The first couple of weeks were fine, then she started ignoring what I asked of her.

For example we would come home from school and she refused to change out of her school uniform although she would take off her shoes. Usually her friends came over who have changed out of their uniforms usually, in her school uniform white socks go outside to play

I tell her not to snack, she would ignore me then not eat what I prepared, I tell her not to drink Coke, but she does, I tell her not to go on her games consul (forget what it’s called), she ignores me

All I ever hear back is mum lets me.

And her parents let her do as she pleases, never punish her.

I ran into her and her father one wet and cold Saturday in the town, she was in a teeshirt, soaked. Dad just said she doesn’t want to wear coats.

We go shopping she, plays with the displays, pushes buttons, runs up escalators, gets told off by staff. Then she goes missing, mum shrugs ‘she is around’ she tells me. We find her in another store, mum says nothing.

She has no bed time, no limit on TV or on her electronics.

Mum bought some pinafores for summer, they were just nice above the knee but mum shortened them all.

Wednesday she broke up from school, we went for tea by the harbour, mum was with use. My granddaughter decided to kick off her shoes in the car, but when we got to the pub refused to put them back on, mum backed her. By the time we got from the car across the road the soles of her new knee high white socks were black, mum said nothing. Once in the pub she decided to go outside on the wet grassy play area again mum said nothing. Then she decided to play on the stairs, staff told her off, mum didn’t.

I am not looking forward to the summer holidays, although she away just now, want away with her parents for a week

So how much time are you actually spending with her? Are you asked to provide childcare or are you just around her and her parents a lot?

After school a couple of hours 3 or 4 days a week depends on her parents work.

Now that summer holidays are here it be most of the day depending on how her parents work goes.

The problem here is the difference in standards for behaviour. If her parents allow such behaviour you can't really correct it, you could try having words with them but that may cause a rift that you don't want.

I guess you have a few options:

• tell parents you aren't doing it any more
• go with the flow - if they don't care, why should you
• start building in consequences when with you, e.g. if she drinks coke and eats snacks when told not to, just don't buy them; if she doesn't behave when at shops, don't take her etc.

Maybe pick the things you find mot stressful and work on them?
Don't go shopping with her and Mum. If you take her alone set the expectations very clearly and reward at end with treat if followed or go home early and miss treat if not?

Thanks for advice.

Maybe I shouldn't care but I have some standards I guess

As for going out with parents that is good advice and is the reason I have not gone away with them.

I am not sure what treat I can offer her though.

She isn't bad all the time, she is reasnably polite, confident, chatty,

PS: I used to see kids like her, uncontroled and wonder what sort of parents they have

I think you have (justifiable) issues with her parenting, not with her. She clearly believes at the standard her parents want her to.
Clothes and socks can be washed. Not worth stressing about.
Playing on stairs in a pub - not ok and running to another store when shopping isn't ok either. But if you are with her parents then you need to keep you mouth shut.
If you take her alone, then set clear expectations before you go. Acknowledge that you have different rules because different people have slightly different ideas about what's safe (this can be done without undermining her parents) and 8 she's old enough to understand this. Then if she plays up, take her home or yours. Don't fuss about it or punish her, just say you're worried about keeping her safe and since you aren't keeping her safe you need to go home.
But if she wants to run around outside in her socks or roll around in the mud in her uniform let her. That's why washing machines were invented.

I think your standards are too high. If the parents dont care, why should you? You're just getting stressed. I certainly wouldn't take her shopping. We don't take my dgc shopping because it's no fun. They run around, get bored, and ask for things all the time. Tell your dgd that you're not taking her because of her behaviour. If she ruins her new socks, so what? Not your problem.

Can I ask Dillydollydingdong what do you do with your DGC, just stay home?

I will try not to care and what negomi90 suggested, if she wants to go town in her socks fine, if it is pouring with rain she can go in her teashirt :(

She does not complain or ask for things just has no rules, I'll try making some.

Don't make rules for the sake of it. You will be naggy grandma and she won't want to spend time with you which will also damage your relationship with her.
Her parents are happy with her behaviour. Its not your place to undermine them in front of her.
Decide what you are comfortable from a safety point of view and let everything else go.
If you don't like spending time with her due to lack of rules, then cut back on time with her or go to her house when her parents are there - so you can remind yourself that its not your monkeys.

Thanks negomi90. 75% of the time with her is a joy followed by tearing my hair out

Due to be looking after her from Thursday until Monday, I'll see how much I can't care!

Sorry for the original message cut and paste mistakes,

You're right. I don't take the dgc out. There's a playroom here full of toys, YouTube, tv, switch. There's playdough, dogs and cats, a garden with paddling pool, bikes, trikes, hoverboard. They're "out" as far as they're concerned when they aren't at their own home. I'm certainly not going to drag them round the shops when they don't want to go anyway!

Pick your battles. Misbehaviour in cafes etc - a definite no no. Letting her play her console - meh!

If she wants to go out with you and won't wear shoes just tell her you aren't going until she puts them on. Don't argue don't get upset just state the facts.

Who buys the coke and snacks? If it is your house then don't have them where she can get them, bit awkward if you are at her home as if the parents buy them and let her have them not much you can do. I'm afraid when she is home or with her parents it is their rules.

To these that said that I shouldn't care either, well maybe you were right.

took her on a day out to Blackpool, she ended up crossing the main road and when I reported this to her parents they were not bothered. After that bought a draw full of crips and sweets as well fizzy drinks and if she wanted to go out with no shoes or coat I just let her. She was happy, her parents were happy, me I am not over the moon about it but living with it.

Hoped to take her Portugal half term but will probably go by myself earlier.

thanks for advice!

I think maybe you should cut back on the childcare. I dont think youre enjoying it.