I am lonely, sad and anxious

[Bookishnerd]

Hey Mumsnetters

I am hoping you might give me a bit of a pick-me-up this evening.

I am feeling lonely, anxious and sad and I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this and I want to shake it off and I don't know how.

I had DS in April last year, during the first lockdown when everything was v crazy. Neither my or DH parents live nearby, so we had to manage as new parents by ourselves. It was hard, but I'm pretty proud of myself for getting through it. I was terribly anxious, mostly connected to breastfeeding, but also just because I had no benchmark or experience with children to tell me what was 'normal'. I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure. When I had suicidal ideation, I got some support and was on a low dose of Sertraline. It made me feel better.

It wasn't exactly a picnic from there, but I was managing. My DH works outside the home and works stupid antisocial shifts, so I'm often alone with DS at the tricky times - first thing in the morning or at bedtime.

I'm back to work now, at home, and my DS is in nursery a few times a week.

I am so lonely and have totally lost myself. Pre-baby, and pre-Covid, I was fairly social. Don't get me wrong, I had reclusive moments but they were precious because in the week, I was out at work, in the office, commuting, travelling for work, seeing lots of friends.

Now, I can go a whole day without speaking to a human face-to-face. I might have a few zoom calls, but they are all super focused so I don't get any small talk.

When DH is on a late shift, I have no-one to talk to in the evenings when DS goes to bed. DS has been poorly this week and tantrummy already (at 15 months!) so that's been hard, and I have no-one to share the load with.

I'm getting resentful and snappy with my DH when he is at home, and tbf, he does more than his bit when he's here.

But he doesn't understand my loneliness. He was never a social person so lockdown has suited him. His shifts only started due to Covid distancing measures, so it's not like I've been used to him working these shifts.

I don't know who I am anymore. I have lost my way, my energy, my spark. I'm exhausted because my DS sleeps badly. I'm so fat because I eat badly because I'm so tired. And I'm furious with DH for not being here, even though it's not his fault.

I'm also furious with myself for being so self-indulgent. This thread is whiny and annoying, and that's not me.

How do I pull myself together? How do I get through this?

DS has been poorly this week and tantrummy already (at 15 months!)

I also have a son aged 15 months who has started tantrums! I was surprised as the accepted wisdom seems to be that these start with the “terrible 2s”, but I’m not sure that’s true.

Do you have any mum friends from the nursery your son goes to, or from baby groups/NCT etc? If so, could it be worth reaching out to them and arranging a coffee or walk during the week?

to you OP, as a mum with a child the same age as yours I know it’s been such a hard time.

Having babies in lockdown is so hard.

My ds was born between the second and third lockdowns and the third one nearly finished me off.

It sounds like your entire day is spent at home, have I got that right? That must be hard. My DP wfh and I do worry as it’s rare he leaves the house.

Is there any chance of a babysitter? or if you’re local to me I’m struggling a bit with the long summer - baby classes were my salvation but they have stopped!

Be kind to yourself! I have a 14 month old lockdown baby (DC2 in my case). This last year has been brutal and you are allowed to feel everything that you are feeling. Don't ugnderestimate how much chronic sleep deprivation can fuck with every aspect of your life. Maybe focus on sleep to start with. Talk to your HV/cosleep/do whatever will net you some more sleep and everything will get a little bit easier

Look at what you’ve achieved OP.

A healthy bairn (ok so tantrummy but that is just a phase) that you have raised during lockdown. A time when you’ve pretty much had to muddle through on your own when I think ordinarily a lot of mums would have had a support network.

A lot of us have cultivated poundage (although I started that long before lockdown) and a lot of us are trying or at least thinking about trying to shift it. But you have grown a child!! Your body has achieved one of life’s great things. Rejoice in it and if you still need to shift a lurk or two? So what? There is time to deal with that.

The work and social life? I work alone mostly and don’t have the latter so I don’t really know of such things but you are still in there. The social you. You really are.

You’ve worked through a dark time after one of the most major changes a woman can have during a time when there have been the most major of societal shifts.

You have come out the other side - still feeling the nip of it all but you are through into brighter times. That is bloody marvellous.

It isn’t being indulgent or whiny. It has been shit for a lot of reasons but not having any normal and having to learn to be a mam? Of course it has been hard. Of course it isn’t how it should have been. Of course you are narked about it.

But you should be so bloody proud of yourself. And there is always someone on here who can give you a gentle hoof up the Harris or a comforting word to prove that to you.

A new normal is coming. Hang in there.

It’ll be reet.

And I’m sorry if I haven’t found the right words. I’m not really blessed in that regard. But one day (and soon) I hope you can see how bloody great you have done.

So there

Hi Op,
This year has been soo tough for mums and you’ve got my sympathy.. having a 15 month old is hard going and absolutely exhausting when you don’t have any family who can step in and give you company or have them for a couple of hours - no wonder you’re feeling low.. I echo what everyone else has posted but I’ve got some practical suggestions too for you which I know mum friends if mine have done.
Parent and child groups are all opening up now; see if there are any you like the sound of where you can just sit and have a coffee and lots of other mums will be in exactly the same boat as you wanting a break! You will find alot of solidarity.
The other thing is join a gym - 24 hour one - just getting out and being around other people and doing a easy workout to music you like will give you a good boost 😀

Hi there, just knowing you’re not alone might help.

I have a 23 month old and a 3 month old. Husband works away Monday to Friday so I’m alone with the children 5 days a week. It’s hard, very hard, with 2 children that have very demanding, but different needs. I rarely see any adult faces, and I’m very nervous going out with them both as I don’t have enough hands. My baby is very clingy and my toddler is a little pocket rocket and likes to run off in all directions. I was a very outdoorsy person and when I only had my toddler we were out a lot, although just for walks and the park during the lockdowns. I don’t have that confidence anymore.

There’s also always mountains of housework that needs doing everyday on top of my kids basic needs which gets me down as it seems impossible keeping on top of everything. I’m sad and lonely and it’s really tested my marriage.

I know this doesn’t help you, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Hopefully things will improve for us in the coming months x

So sorry OP- I’m a second time mum on lockdown and that was strange enough but to have your first in lockdown- you have my sympathy!
Right couple of things:
You can’t think rationally on little sleep- everything looks bleak, accept that and make no concrete plans or decisions until sleep resumes
Loneliness- do you have friends? I find the odd phone call here and there can pick me up. Wkends- any chance of a lunch or coffee with friends whilst leaving the little one with your husband?
How far are your family- could you visit anyone?

Weight- it comes off in time- be kind to yourself, you grew a human!

I really empathise, OP. I have also felt incredibly low and anxious over the past 11 months since DD was born.

It's been so hard for new mums.

Just another one saying you're not alone. I'm out the other end and hardly remember any detail from those early days!! It's just a pure slog, but you will get through it and brighter days will be here. I do think WFH is the pits though. Can that change at all?

If you live near me, I'll come and see you for a cuppa and a chat!!!

Hey all

I'm sorry I didn't come back into this thread. So rude when you have invested time and energy to help me.

The night I wrote this, my little boy woke up and screamed for an hour. I ended up sleeping next to him in my clothes for most of the night until my husband came home from work.

I was so low that I just stood outside the front door in the early hours, debating whether to just LEAVE.

That scared me.

I reread all your amazing messages - thank you.

And I knew I had to get hold of this or it was going to drag me under.

I've made sure I get at least one good night's sleep every week. It's nowhere near enough, but it helps me reset.

I've been practicing gratitude and mindfulness.

I'm still so very lonely, and so very sad. But I wanted to come back in and say that your wonderful advice gave me hope.

It felt so comforting to know that someone was there, even if it was just virtually

Thank you

I'm also going into the office next week.

@Sunshineaftermorningrain - no chance of a babysitter unfortunately. I have friends locally, but no-one I would ask to look after my baby.

@Nobloat21 I'm in Manchester!