Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

A foreign mum

17 replies

Annaeve · 29/07/2021 17:46

It may be a bit of a controversial topic, but I'd really like to know people's views. I have a couple of "mums apps" on my phone which show local mums in your area. I occasionally get a message, we have a friendly chat in which I usually mention where I'm from, and it never really goes anywhere, ie the messages become less frequent, they don't suggest meeting up and eventually we stop talking. It doesn't happen so much with other foreign mums (we normally at least meet up and then decide if we like each other).

Maybe I came across some weird people, but as English mums, do you prefer to meet other English mums? Do you not think you'd have much in common with someone from another country even if they've lived here half their life? I'm genuinely curious.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
TigerLils · 29/07/2021 18:12

Welcome to England where it’s fairly standard to be xenophobic… been living here for 10 years and I experienced similar stuff. It’s gotten worse since brexit… it’s shite isn’t it… unless you are from a ‘posh’ EU country … west Europe/ Scandinavian you are nothing here. (I’m from Central Europe, although loads refer to it as Eastern Europe) No advice here sorry but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Bookishnerd · 29/07/2021 20:15

Hey OP

I'm Irish, so also have tried to navigate some of these English-isms.

I don't think it's being foreign though. In my experience, it's because people sign up to those mum apps in either a fit of loneliness/a fad, and then realise it's a lot of hard work to meet new people and so stop.

That's what I've done. I am super lonely at the minute, so joined Peanut and a few others, made some good connections then let it all die out when I was feeling like it was too hard.

It's not a good trait, but I think it's more new-mum thing than foreign-mum thing

WaltzingToWalsingham · 29/07/2021 21:24

Sorry you're finding this, OP. Speaking for myself, I like to meet mums from other countries. I find it interesting to learn about other cultures.

I must admit that I have been guilty of shying away from foreign mums who don't speak much English - not because I don't think I'd find common ground with them or wouldn't like them, but just because it was quite difficult to understand what they were saying, and it was awkward to constantly ask them to repeat themselves, or worse still pretend to have understood (to avoid asking them to repeat yet again), only for it to become clear further into the conversation that I had completely the wrong end of the stick. That's not a criticism of those mums ( I'm sure if I were to try to speak their language, I'd be pretty unintelligible too), but when you're spending the day with a toddler who struggles to communicate, you want your precious adult conversation to be easy.

But your English is perfect, so this clearly isn't the issue with you. You haven't mentioned your ethnicity OP (and of course, it shouldn't be relevant) but there seems to be a lot of division and mistrust around at the moment, unfortunately, particularly between different races. I know I'll get flamed now, but I think a lot of white English people are afraid to say or do the wrong thing (commit a micro aggression, mispronounce a foreign name more than once, use terminology that is now consided to be offensive). You don't say where you live, but I think this is particularly the case in areas where there aren't many people of different ethnicities...people just get the chilling effect from extreme positions seen on social media, without the balance of normal, everyday interactions that you get in areas with more mixed populations. This feeds into a sort of positive feedback loop, as illustrated by TigerLil's comments above...English people become wary of non-English people, so the non-English people feel the English are xenophobic, so they avoid the English people, so the English people become wary of the non-English people...and the more divided we become. I think it's very sad.

Of course, some English people are just xenophobic and therefore have no interest in being friends with you. But I don't think this is the case for the majority. I suspect that most are just a bit wary, and possibly a bit lazy about things like the small amount of extra work in explaining cultural references that you may not be familiar with, etc.

So what can be done? Maybe meeting other people in person, right from the off. Could you do some voluntary work at your local toddler group (or other activity that you can do with your child)? The other volunteers (generally a friendly and sociable sub-group) would be working with you, and get to know you that way, and perhaps friendship would develop. I hope you make some friends soon!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

mindutopia · 29/07/2021 21:31

I'm not British and I've never had this issue, but I've never met anyone on an app before. I'm also white and English-speaking. So even if non-British, I imagine other British mums probably still think we have something in common (even if we don't, just because of those similarities).

Is it possible it's just the nature of the app? Like online dating? People get bored after a bit and go look for someone new to talk to. I've never used an app to meet people, but I would imagine it's hard to sustain relationships that way.

Nowifi · 29/07/2021 21:31

I would actually prefer to meet foreign Mums, it's the British ones I can't seem to make friends with and I'm British myself!

BuffaloHigh · 29/07/2021 21:38

I agree with Bookishnerd. I wanted to meet people when I was on maternity leave but then I realised that awkwardly talking to strangers when I was shattered wasn’t fun. And I had my family around and pre-baby friends available in the evenings/weekends so I didn’t need to make friends. But if I hadn’t had that I might have persevered.

MaverickDanger · 29/07/2021 21:40

I’m British but lived abroad for a number of years, and have found I have a fair amount more in common with people who have moved overseas themselves.

CarryOn1 · 29/07/2021 21:43

The mum apps never worked for me. Conversation just never got beyond the basics.

But I've met several mums of different nationalities who I speak with when I see them at the park / locally and some have now become good friends.

Polish, Greek, Bangladeshi and Kenyan But a v multi cultural area of London (quite a deprived area, too) and it's normal that people are from different places. Wouldn't be any issue. Might depend where you are.

EishetChayil · 29/07/2021 22:00

I'm English but my husband is foreign, so I find myself gravitating towards the foreign mums at groups.

Sorry you've had bad experiences. If you're in the north west, I'll be your friend!

Annaeve · 29/07/2021 23:24

@WaltzingToWalsingham
Thank you for taking the time to reply! I didn't want to put too much detail as my username is part of my name, but I live outside London and I'm not an ethnic or religious minority.
I've lived here half my life so I don't think I'm any harder to talk to than an English person, maybe that's why it annoys me when I am being categorised like this (not by everyone of course, by I'm pretty sure one or two people did).

@TigerLils

I understand your point of view, but there are also some nice people out there, it's just harder for people coming from abroad. I moved back home for a bit in the past and didn't make any new proper friends, the people I met had their own lives and couldn't care less 🤣

OP posts:
Annaeve · 29/07/2021 23:39

@mindutopia

You're right, it's a bit like Tinder 🤣 but I made one really good friend out of it, I guess the purpose is to arrange to meet up, not chat online forever.

I'm not friendless so I'm not even actively looking for new friends, it's just upsetting when you think some people are prejudiced against you but I guess it's their choice and what they feel comfortable with.

OP posts:
PolkadotSkies · 30/07/2021 01:02

@Nowifi

I would actually prefer to meet foreign Mums, it's the British ones I can't seem to make friends with and I'm British myself!
Same. So many lovely friends from all over the place. A minority of my friends are British and that's because they are exceptions who don't fit the stereotype.
MandarinLime · 30/07/2021 10:15

Have you found the same at work op? ie not being able to make friends with any English people? Just wondering as my late dh was from an African country and he made loads of English friends (not through an app) whereas Im English and I struggled a bit with a lot of mums when I had kids. Both when my kids were tiny and on the playground. I hadn't noticed having problems before being a mum though.
I lived in France for a year when I was younger and have got friends of different nationalities.
Brexit has definitely increased racism. A lot of us aren't brexiters though to the person who mentioned xenophobia being standard. There's xenophobes in a lot of other countries too of course.

Annaeve · 30/07/2021 12:30

@mandarinLime

It depends, I have made a few English friends (one close one). They're normally the very approachable kind of people who show an interest in you. But either way, it shouldn't be an issue online, I chat with people just like everybody else (you know, friendly but not over-friendly, show interest etc). Definitely didn't make anyone feel awkward or upset.

Your husband must be very sociable, good on him!

OP posts:
LaMagdalena · 30/07/2021 15:14

@Nowifi

I would actually prefer to meet foreign Mums, it's the British ones I can't seem to make friends with and I'm British myself!
I find British people difficult to be friends with sometimes, I find people here quite cliquey (I am also British). But then I don't have any 'mum friends' either, none of my friends have children, so British mums seem doubly difficult to me!

I have lived abroad and have a foreign-born daughter, so I think I would prefer people with similar experiences. I agree with the pp who said that your issue might be more because people sign up to apps and then get bored.

Nowifi · 30/07/2021 21:18

I'm glad that it's not just me!

Comedycook · 30/07/2021 21:22

I'm English but I find it really hard to make friends with other English mums. All the mum friends I have are from abroad. I think English people are more likely to have local family and old school friends to socialise with, whereas mums from other countries are more open to new friendship.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread