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Bathtime/bedtime hell with 3yo

16 replies

witsendbedtime · 27/07/2021 19:19

Desperate for some suggestions to deal with the hell of bedtime and bathtime with my 3yo DD.

DD is generally a lovely child, happy and minimally tantrum-y, doesn't really misbehave, usual bits of mischief and not listening/doing but nothing out of the ordinary, I think. But bathtime and bedtime are a shitshow. She refuses to go through to the bathroom (live in a flat so no 'going upstairs'), refuses to brush her teeth or let you do it, doesn't listen when you ask her to splash gently so ends up soaking the floor, runs away and hides when you try to put her cream and pyjamas on etc etc.

Maybe this is all normal toddler stuff but it's really stressful for me. DP does half the bedtimes but has a short fuse so shouts at her, I don't want to do that.

Please give me your tips for either a) making bathtime and bedtime calmer and increasing toddler compliance b) how I get less wound up by the whole thing and stay calm and don't end up rattled by it all.

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Cheekymonkey3112 · 28/07/2021 00:55

Hey, we've had the same issue with DS. I've found using an egg timer helps (you can get them for varying amounts of time, we have a 2min and a 5min) I use this before bath time to say 5 mins of TV and then it's bath time. I also use it before bed and give him 5 mins to play with his toys before it is story and sleep. Don't get me wrong, we still have nights where he is overtired/grumpy or just point blank refuses to sleep but on the whole, it helps. Xxx

moimichme · 28/07/2021 10:32

I'm having similar issues here so following for tips! I have been wondering if an earlier bedtime 'plan' would work better. E.g. start chivvying half an hour earlier. Then you aren't as stressed because of the time issue, and they don't pick up on the stress to act up. And they might be less overtired and more cooperative. But it is hard with the sunny weather making them think it's still daytime and playtime...

Crowsaregreat · 28/07/2021 10:52

Man, I remember those days. Basically doing the same routine is boring and they don't see why they should bother, they want bodily autonomy NOW!

Things that might help:
Start bedtime routine earlier. You want to catch her before she's overtired. Allow an hour before her actual bedtime.
New bath toys. If you're short on cash then this could be using your colander, empty bottles etc in the bath or toy animals that won't go manky.
Also on the bribery front - bath bombs, squirty bath foam stuff, bubble bath in an overpriced TV character bottle that you can then refill.
Try showers every now and again instead, my DC find it hilarious to be tickled by the water.
Always follow the same routine more or less, easier said than done I know. I think they find it comforting after a while.
Try the odd daytime bath on a weekend so she doesn't always associate it with bed. Good way to spend a rainy afternoon!
For teeth - mine like it if I spot things they've eaten on their teeth and scrub them off, or sometimes other things like the gruffalo hiding in there or pirates. Anything to make it less boring.
Tell her stories while you're doing it.
Give her more of a role so putting the bubbles in the bath, pulling the plug, putting on her own pyjamas etc.

Re stress - not easy. You build up resilience (I have a 4.5 yo and a 2yo) I am much better able to keep my cool than I used to be, mainly because I have realised that losing it is basically a time penalty because you have to soothe DC about you losing your temper then still sort them out as you would have had to initially!

Sometimes I focus on what I can see, smell, hear, touch etc, take deep breaths and try to feel in the moment. Kid is freaking out right now. It won't last forever, I need to get from this point to the point where the tantrum has ended, that point will definitely come, what do I need to get there?

It can also help to avoid clamping down on those feelings. They've had a long day, they have feelings to get out, make space for that to happen and don't always try to jump on it and put the fire out. Say things like 'oh, it's been such a nice day with lots of exciting things, hasn't it? We'll have lots of fun tomorrow as well' or 'are you a bit frustrated about your toothbrush? let me help'

Conflict and stress will escalate when you return her tension with more of your own. Being relentlessly positive can help to defuse things. So rather than 'no, you have to have a bath now!' you could do 'it's so nice in that warm bath, do you think you can hide your toes in the bubbles' etc

Try not to get caught up in the heat of things - sort of soar above the situation like an eagle so instead of 'why won't you bloody put your pyjamas on' see it from above - she's tired and wants more cuddles, maybe I can cuddle her or sing a song while she puts PJs on.

I don't know if any of that is helpful or contradictory! It's a general mindfuck. No bad kids by Janet Lansbury is worth a read, or the whole brain child, or how to talk so little kids will listen.

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Pissinthepottyplease · 28/07/2021 10:59

Can you start earlier? This on works in winter but put the lights on upstairs and start turning of the lights upstairs. Add fun things to the bath, you mentioned cream so I’m guessing she has eczema so exciting toys for the bath, they don’t need to be bath toys maybe just the toys you get on the front of ceebies magazines so they are regular new toys. Disco lights for the bath. Does she need to wear Pjs at the moment? Neither of my kids wear PJs to bed in summer.

Blippibloppi · 28/07/2021 11:49

We stopped doing a regular bath unless he wants one or he's particularly filthy (like over the past week when it's been so hot and sunny). The bath was a real flash point for us and so removing that has helped. He just has a wash down on other days. Think 10 days was the longest he managed to dodge it for and then I had to insist he had a hair wash. 🤢

Lots of choices help us:
What colour flannel do you want
What PJ's do you want
Do you want a firemans lift or a piggy back to the bathroom
Wee first or teeth first?

A timer can often help - we just use free ones on YouTube.

We do a differing amount of books depending on how quick we get ready for bed (which often works as an incentive) as does the opportunity to go and help water the plants and check on the veg patch!

Wjevtvha · 28/07/2021 12:28

Would your DD come in the shower with you in the morning? I tried this with my DD when baths got tricky and it made life a lot easier. She would have a bath on a weekend and then couple of showers with me in the week and that was fine for her.
Appreciate it’s the last thing you want to do at the end of the day but I also try to make it into a game to get ready - how quickly can she do it, who can do it fastest, pretending she’s a baby I need to dress, etc.
Also if my DD says she doesn’t want to go and get ready I say ok I’ll see you in there and I go and wait (turning the tv off) and she might play for a couple of minutes but eventually doesn’t want to be left on her own so follows me

witsendbedtime · 28/07/2021 16:03

Wow these are so helpful thank you everyone!

I have ordered:
Sensitive Gruffalo bubbles
Bath pipe toy things
Those foam letters and numbers
Janet Lansbury no bad kids

Thank god for Amazon prime

She really loves made up stories and they have worked well in the past, as has a timer, so I will enact those again. I almost feel like I need a 'bedtime with DD' crib sheet to remind me of tactics.

I think I'm going to see if DP and I can do bathtime/bedtime together this eve and model some 'best practice'. I'll let you know how it all goes!

Also, so reassuring that I'm not the only one in this boat and it seems like all toddlers are doing it.

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witsendbedtime · 29/07/2021 19:59

Well!

Last night was a mixed bag as the toys etc were new and getting out of the bath led to a meltdown and endless bedtime procrastination.

However, tonight was much better - willingly went upstairs, DD was excited to get in the bath, sort of let me brush her teeth a bit, agreed to a timer for getting out and then eventually got out 5 minutes later after a lot of choice-based conversations, I played some familiar games and she let me put her eczema cream on and got into bed, had her stories, cuddles and we had a chat about not making a fuss and she is now happily chatting to herself and looking at her books.

It's only one night but I always feel with DD it's about breaking a cycle and the first time is the hardest.

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witsendbedtime · 29/07/2021 20:01

Thanks again everyone for all your advice - I think I've used every single tactic but it has made a real difference.

I have also read quite a bit about holding boundaries but also being frank with myself about what the bedtime boundaries need to be and where I can be flexible (ie with needing a few minutes of persuasion to actually exit the bath)

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witsendbedtime · 30/07/2021 20:21

I take it back. This evening has been bad. Getting out of bed, taking all her clothes off, shouting for us. Again and again.

It's because DP let her nap in the car on the way home from nursery. I bet it bloody is.

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JuneJuly · 30/07/2021 20:47

" However, tonight was much better - willingly went upstairs "

Do you just automatically/instinctively say this even though you're in a flat?

User0ne · 30/07/2021 20:48

Could you do washing/bath in the morning instead? I've got 3 DS's and night time baths is a big no for me and dh because they're a pita.

If forced then I will give warning before the plug is pulled and then they're allowed to stay in until all the water is gone unless they create a fuss in which case they come out straight away (works 9/10 times to stop tantrums)

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 30/07/2021 20:50

@witsendbedtime

I take it back. This evening has been bad. Getting out of bed, taking all her clothes off, shouting for us. Again and again.

It's because DP let her nap in the car on the way home from nursery. I bet it bloody is.

A set back doesn't mean you're not on the right track! My suggestion was going to be to do the bath at a different time of day.
silverbubbles · 30/07/2021 20:57

Perhaps it all too late in the day when she is too tired and its too much fuss.

What time are you bathing her?

witsendbedtime · 31/07/2021 08:33

Bath is about 7, she has never been the best sleeper so if she is asleep by 8.30 that is a victory. Do you just get them back into clothes if you do bath at a different time?

@JuneJuly yes it's a bit of a reflex - we lived in a maisonette flat before this one so did literally 'go upstairs'. Maybe this language is confusing for DD, I'll have to watch that.

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witsendbedtime · 31/07/2021 08:34

She did sleep til almost 7 this morning though. Much better than the 5ams of this past week

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