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Parenting

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Original poster

DD12 dyeing hair

27 replies

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 13:40

DH has sounded off because I was downstairs when DD was dyeing her hair & not in the same room with her. She has dyed her hair before on her own. He got all blustery & managed to take some of the pleasure away ( she really likes the colour & said it gave her confidence). DH thinks she’s growing up too fast but I just wish he wouldn’t wade in like he does. He also “ told me off” in front of DD for not being a responsible parent yet he hates it when I criticise him in front of her. We both know this is far from ideal.
Should I have been with her?

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Mrsjayy · 27/07/2021 13:44

I really think you have .to be on the same page if you "allowed" her to dye her hair he can have a private.moan if he likes but he shouldn't be going in, it will.cause so much friction and she isn't even a teenager yet ! Fwiw I don't see a problem with her dying her hair it's fun and a bit of rebellion.

Rainallnight · 27/07/2021 13:46

Why does he think you need to be in the same room as her?

Mrsjayy · 27/07/2021 13:46

I think you should support her on this but you need to stop the tit for tat between you both.

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Mrsjayy · 27/07/2021 13:48

I mean has he got set ages for approval of things ? Boundaries are fine but you both need to agree on them.

titchy · 27/07/2021 13:52

To clarify his problem is not that she has dyed her hair, but that you weren't in the same room as her when she did it?

Mrsjayy · 27/07/2021 13:54

To clarify his problem is not that she has dyed her hair, but that you weren't in the same room as her when she did it?

Well I read it completely wrong and he is being ridiculous 😲

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 14:23

He didn’t really approve of her doing it so I guess that comes into it as well. Maybe he feels that I let her do it & he didn’t agree so deep down he feels undermined? The trouble is, I don’t really get why he’s not keen. A lot of her friends have coloured their hair. The main thing is that it’s not an outlandish colour for school & it isn’t cos she’s done it blond.

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Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 15:13

Anyone else? We’ve ended up having a proper row with slammed doors etc but it’s not really about DD. I just get so frustrated with DH. He gets upset because he says he hasn’t got a relationship with DD & then he goes & handles a situation like this so badly! And he says things like “ It will never change” - well it bloody would if he changed how he tackles stuff. He can come across as really laying down the law. I make mistakes all the time as a parent but at least I try not to lecture DD. We have been through months of family therapy yet sometimes you wouldn’t think he’d taken any of it on board at all.

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Chelyanne · 27/07/2021 16:20

My husband wasn't happy when I gave dd1 a side shave. Did he have a pop at me about it, nope. I wouldn't have let her dye her hair on her own that young, I did it for her last time and she was 14. More for my peace of mind than doubting her ability to do it herself.
We do not agree on a lot of things but we mostly show a united front as this always works best for the kids. If he has an issue with you and your decisions then that should be tackled in private.

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 18:06

He’s still going on about it - I actually agree but I’m so pissed off with him that I’m still defending myself for being downstairs!

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Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2021 18:09

Is this how you normally communicate about things? Are you even able to maturely communicate with each other?

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 18:16

Yes we can but there’s been a lot going on with DD & I think sometimes all the stress is just too much so we have a huge row over something quite small.

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Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 18:22

He said I could have phoned before buying the dye ( it wasn’t planned as we went out for school stationary mainly) - is that a bit much?

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Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 18:23

Sorry - stationery

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4PawsGood · 27/07/2021 18:25

Is it permanent? If so I’d be a bit upset if DH had bought it with DD without discussing it.

I also would have (and have) done my DDs for her at that age so they didn’t end up with dyed skin/trashed clothes and towels.

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 27/07/2021 18:27

This is a very, very strange thing to mind about and tbh it wouldn't even occur to me that it needs a parental discussion, ESPECIALLY if she's done it before! That makes no sense whatsoever.

Pantene23 · 27/07/2021 18:28

What the hell? He sounds crazy. Honestly. Tell him to get a grip and he is right, he won’t ever have a relationship with her if this is how he carries on!

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 18:31

It didn’t work before so I think in DH’s mind that didn’t count? If that makes sense! I think mainly he didn’t want her to do it before & he didn’t want her to do it this time either, so maybe he feels his opinion wasn’t listened to

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Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 18:33

We have got dyed towels now unfortunately

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HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 27/07/2021 18:38

What is his objection to her dyeing her hair? It's so popular these days, really, even little kids are doing it round it - green, red or pink streaks etc. It's hair, it grows. I'd understand more about piercings, but dyeing hair is surely an absolute non-issue these days?

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 19:43

He’s just said it’s not the dyeing - it’s the fact that I wasn’t upstairs to supervise & with the chemicals etc it’s a bit irresponsible to leave her to it. I can see his point but it’s the way he goes about putting that across. I end up feeling a bit like a kid that’s been told off! We need to sit down & discuss issues calmly instead of it ending up in a row. I was calling him all sorts privately 🤣

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ineedaholidaynow · 27/07/2021 19:46

Could he have been with her instead if he thinks she needs supervision?

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 27/07/2021 19:47

He was busy laying laminate flooring in DD’s room

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titchy · 27/07/2021 20:05

So it's leaving her to the chemicals unsupervised? Is there a typo somewhere and she's actually 3 and prone to drinking poisonous liquids?

Or does she have no arms or something?

I can't imagine why a NT secondary aged kid can't read and follow hair dye instructions.

Though if you've had family therapy and you/he still shout and sulk wit/at each other I'm guessing the hair dye is a symptom of some other disfunction in the family.

Original poster

CurryLover55 · 28/07/2021 00:24

titchy we’re not sure she is NT ( waiting for tests but we have long suspected she is high functioning autistic plus she’s quite immature for 12). I think DH’s heart is in the right place but he really doesn’t handle certain situations well! On reflection, I probably should have at least been upstairs whilst DD was dyeing her hair.

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