At a loss with my toddler

[andromedana]

DS is 3 in October and he just does not listen.

It's often embarrassing when out and about, he will run away from me and finds it hilarious, will pick things up from shelves repeatedly when he is asked not to, roll around on the floor, shout and just generally misbehave.

I get on his level, warn him and when he does it again I'll tell him something like "because you haven't listened, there will be no treat after dinner tonight". He just does not care.

Bed time is getting worse and worse, it's now 10pm, he went to bed at 7 and is still not asleep. He has got up upwards of ten times and has come into my room repeatedly, he finds it funny and I try to give consequences in the moment (usually taking away a stuffed animal or toy in his room) but this does not deter him.

The past couple of times he has got up he's asked me "what you taking?" Because he knows what's coming and just doesn't care. I don't want to shout and I don't want to lock him in his room.

Does anyone please have any advice on how best fo discipline him?

Does he still nap OP? If so, could be time to drop it. My son was becoming a terror at bedtime but since stopping the nap he has been out like a light.

Do you give him constructive things to do and positive attention in between these moments. I always found if I started the day by giving a solid dose of positive attention they were so much better through the day as though they felt seen and encouraged so didn't feel the need to grab attention negatively. To a young child all attention is desirable so you need to create as many channels of positive attention as you can so you have more influence when asking them to stop the negative behaviour. Not sure if I've described that very well but hopefully you get the gist

It's almost like love bombing, you shower them with lots of lovely attention when they're doing the right things and get them to join in with you in your tasks, help you full the washing machine etc, if they're getting enough of that they prefer it to negative attention but if not they'll take the negative over nothing (not enough).

Do you notice and praise him when he's being good, or are those quiet times a chance to breathe a sigh of relief only? Whenever he does something right verbalise it. Create a positive serif image of himself 'aren't you a loving boy' if he gives you a kiss. Or that's so helpful if you all him to pass you something and he does etc etc. There is no such thing as too much of that sort of thing.
Make his good points what you're all about, the more you do it, the more they want to live up to it. Remember his self identity is still forming so in a way in his mind eye, he is whatever you tell him he is.

He asks, What you taking?
You have no authority. You cannot give a time related threat to a toddler, they don't understand time. You take things off him that he clearly doesn't care about. I suspect he is an arse when you are out because he is bored and you can do nothing about it. Probably ditto bedtime.
You need to engage him. Wear his mind out, stop the evil genius going into overdrive. He wants to be busy in the supermarket? Great. Give him photos of the 5 things he needs to find in the veg aisle. Move fast, have a list, give him jobs.
At bedtime, tell him what's happening and stick to it. He knows your toy kidnapping is shite so stop.

This is why my just turned 3 year old is still in a cot bed lol. He has only just started listening when out and about it took a while but he doesn’t understand “you won’t have x later yet” the only thing that really works is subject change and showing them the behaviour you expect off him.

I have a 2.5 year old who gets bored easily when out too. As PPs have said, just get him involved, give him challenges, give him praise for being good. So lots of “who can find the carrots”, “will we get the broccoli or the green beans today” etc etc. (I like the photo of 5 things suggestion - I’m going to use that one!) And give lots of praise when he finds them, or makes a choice “oh that’s a great choice, you’re such a good helper”.

Delayed punishments don’t work at this age. I think it’s just easier and better to distract and then praise for good behaviour.

The book “how to talk so little kids will listen” is very good too.

At bedtime, I would try stop reacting so much. He’s looking for a reaction. No threats, no punishments. Just return him to his room each time in a calm manner and say the same thing (like “it’s time for bed, night night”). Be so boring and predictable that he’d rather fall asleep than hang out with you!

Stop with the unrelated punishments, he doesn’t understand that.
In the supermarket, occupy him with jobs, finding the eggs for you etc, if you can’t do that then he goes in the trolley or pushchair and you chatter about all the things you can see, ‘ohh look at those shiny apples, shall we get 5 bananas let’s count them’ etc, shops are a brilliant place for bringing on vocabulary.

As for bedtime if he still naps, try dropping it. In the evening have a set pattern that you follow and be consistent with it. Let him have books or a couple of little toys to play quietly with in bed as he falls asleep. If or when he gets up, put him back to bed, don’t take away his toys that isn’t a consequence you are making it into a game for him, don’t make a fuss just pop him back in and say bedtime now, time to sleep and keep doing it.

You should give clear instructions before you go and the consequences for poor behavior and the reward for good behavour

If you hale me in the shop we’ll have an ice cream on the way home. - lots of praise and reminders

If you scream in the shop we are leaving straight away and there’s no ice cream.

Ask him to repeat the instructions

Do make sure you follow through

Giving a picture shopping list is good as well so he can help round the shop

You could also reward with stickers - 5 stickers is a treat

See how he reacts but stick with one

Thank you everyone. So sorry for the delayed response, I've not been well.

I already do the lots of praise thing, I'm always telling him how helpful, loving he is etc. and get him involved in tasks around the house.

I'll stop confiscating the toys as you've advised, you're right that it clearly isn't working. We have a sticker chart and I reward good behaviour, and whilst he enjoys receiving them at the time it's never any incentive for him to behave. If I tell him he will get a sticker if he does x then he just isn't bothered.

The photo of five things in the supermarket is a good idea, I'll try that the next time we go.

I get on his level, warn him and when he does it again I'll tell him something like "because you haven't listened, there will be no treat after dinner tonight". He just does not care.

This is not going to work with a toddler. You need, "We're going into the shop now. If you behave well, you can [have a ride on the car outside/have a special treat/whatever]. If you don't listen to mum, no treat and we're leaving right away." And - important bit coming up - you have to follow through. No "If you do that one more time..." nonsense.