4 year old behaviour. About to loose my mind!

[Snoopy28x]

So that really. My 4 year old seems to have turned the last month or so. Maybe its normal for 4 year olds to be like this, but I need advice. How do I survive the holidays before she starts school!??

So I have ds 2 and dd 4. Lately everything is a battle. She screams no and has a full on tantrum. Kicking screaming throwing herself on the floor. Then it just Carrie's on like that for half an hour, she will then just cry and scream for any reason. I feel like maybe it's an attention thing?

They have so many toys outdoor and indoor to choose from. They also have each other to olay with. I play to but then usually ends in arguments because she wont let her brother play with us. Then he cries, they fight. Game over.

She then does things she knows are wrong. Then will scream sorry. Then do it again 10 mins later then say sorry. I'm at the point where sorry doesnt cut it when you know its wrong.

Tried reward charts but they get forgotten. Tried ignoring the bad behaviour and praise good but some things you cant just ignore?! I've been a sahm for 4 years so I guess maybe its just frustration of same day in day out etc to.

I dont know just some advice would be good x

How consistent are you in the way you react?
She sounds like she needs some boundaries reinforcing and some clear consequences for repeating behaviours you’ve already told her not to do.
Strategic ignoring is fine as far as it goes.
What are your hard no’s and what will be the consequences if she crosses that? I would ignore the tantrums and screaming etc unless she is harming herself or others. She is mostly just trying to wear you down!!
Distraction tactics can work sometimes but at the end of the day she needs clear and consistent expectations that are enforced. Continuing bigging up the good stuff as well!

I feel like maybe I spend all day saying no no no and shes fed up and so am I!

For example earlier shes playing with her polly pocket. Her brother comes over and she pushes him to the floor and he bangs himself on the radiator. So I said you dont hurt people! Especially your family. I told her to hand me the polly pocket and said I am taking that away until tomorrow. She screamed and said no but eventually handed it over then said sorry to her brother. However polly is staying away until tomorrow still. Usually the threat of no daddys phone that day if shes naughty works. However once that's been used up.. then what lol

Well the immediate consequences for her poor behaviour is the right thing to do in my opinion.
Of course she’s not going to like it but if you stick at it she’ll learn.

No advice but watching with hope and interest as I'm about to lose my mind with my 4 yo DS. I'm literally nearly in tears so often as he is just awful. Or an absolute angel... no middle ground!!

Is she getting stressed about the impending school start? Maybe she's acting out due to nerves or anxiety about that?

@Snoopy28x

I feel like maybe I spend all day saying no no no and shes fed up and so am I!

For example earlier shes playing with her polly pocket. Her brother comes over and she pushes him to the floor and he bangs himself on the radiator. So I said you dont hurt people! Especially your family. I told her to hand me the polly pocket and said I am taking that away until tomorrow. She screamed and said no but eventually handed it over then said sorry to her brother. However polly is staying away until tomorrow still. Usually the threat of no daddys phone that day if shes naughty works. However once that's been used up.. then what lol

Do you use timeouts? The one things that strikes me is that the punishment isn't particularly related to the crime, ie she pushed her brother and you took her toy away, but perhaps a time out to think about her actions and a chat about how the other person would feel might help? Also, the threat of daddy's phone is too abstract and far away for most 4 year olds. Plus, like you said, once you've used it, she has no incentive to behave because she's lost the thing she really likes.

Another thing could be a reward chart (makemone using a picture of something she really likes, animals, TV character etc), so she starts on 5, and she needs to get be on 5 or above (or whatever number you choose) to be able to get dad's phone. Negative behaviour she loses a point, positive behaviour she earns it back. And by a certain time of the day, she needs to have reached it. Give her lots of opportunities to earn points (being kind to her brother/helpful/polite etc) and make it visual so she can see where she's up to.

My 4yo was similar. You need immediate, consistent and proportional consequences.

In the polly pocket scenario I'd have told off the 2yo first if he was interfering with her playing. Have a "safe space" like a table where she can play with her toys uninterrupted. I would have then said to her "I understand you were frustrated that your brother tried to get your toy, however that doesn't mean you can hurt him. You will have 3 mins on the step to think about it". Followed by a sorry to her brother and move on.

Try to ignore the secondary behaviour and pick up on the thing done wrong in the first place. Eg She pusher her brother but him hitting himself off the radiator was probably not her intention. So focus on the push being wrong, not the radiator hit.

My four year old is in a summer camp this week. Even though we are at home. He’s a poor sleeper and prone to being very pushy , stubborn and tantrumming . I’m a good, loving parent but I’m paying good money to just get him out of the house. He’s an absolute delight if we’re away enjoying the outdoors, beach whatever. I can’t keep him entertained at home though. He’s unusually large , height and weight of a 7yr old. physically can over power me already ( I’m feeble because I’m ill ) so everything at the moment is about respect and boundaries. Stopping him from punching or kicking. He’s getting there. He’s also bloody talented and strikingly handsome. But my god he’s awful atm. Hang in there , the fearsome fours will give way soon to the 3 years of verbal diarrhoea and awkward questions . My oldest is 20 and I’ve seen it all with her as she was extreme at every phase.

@mamamalt

No advice but watching with hope and interest as I'm about to lose my mind with my 4 yo DS. I'm literally nearly in tears so often as he is just awful. Or an absolute angel... no middle ground!!

@mamamalt I feel you! No one ever mentions 4! It's all about terrible 2s. This is way harder. Sending virtual hugs x

@FreeSpirits

Is she getting stressed about the impending school start? Maybe she's acting out due to nerves or anxiety about that?

@freespirits she is so excited for school. I think maybe shes overly ready for it. She will be nearly 5 when she starts so maybe its because she needs that bit extra that she wasnt getting from pre school?

@snoozyboozy we tried time outs before but it seemed to escalate the situation. I tried that today. I explained why she needed to just take 5mins of quiet time to calm down. Then we can talk about why she is so upset. Which resulted in more screaming. I might try introducing that in again and see how it goes. Yes the reward chart is a good idea I will make one with her tomorrow. She loves stickers so .maybe I can use those on it.

I do talk to her about how she would feel if someone did the same to her. She says she would feel sad. I say I know you dont want to make your brother sad, and she then goes and gives him hugs and says sorry.

Thank you for your suggestions I will implement those x

@millionnewnames I totally get you. I think sometimes the child is happier being super active all day, different activities etc. Keeps them out of trouble. I find my dd (2) is much happier when hes out in the garden all day or playing at the park etc. If we are stuck inside to long he gets up to trouble and climbing the walls. Hopefully it makes for a more peaceful summer for you all!