MIL telling me how to look after my son

[Justnotnow]

My MIL makes everything about her and is very interfering and I don’t know how to get her to stop and stop making judgemental comments.

Her husband passed away a few years ago, so she has become very reliant on her adult children as she doesn’t like to be at home on her own. They all do everything she says even my husband.

We go over to hers once a week every week, but every time we get there she will say to my DS that I haven’t seen you for ages, when she would have only seen him a week ago or even a few days ago if she has turned up an my house unannounced that week! She will tell me to wipe his nose if his nose is running and interrogate me about everything I do with my DS.

I am going back to work in a few weeks, so my DS is going to nursery for 2 days. My MIL has said multiple times to me that she won’t do childcare and won’t have him overnight. A couple of hours is enough for her. But she won’t say that in front of her son or other children so to them she will say she doesn’t see my DS enough and she would do childcare when I’m not in earshot and then to me she says she won’t do childcare. I’m always made out to look like the bad person .

When my DS was first born we were both really unwell and had to stay in hospital for 5 days. I was constantly bombarded with calls ask how my son was. I ended up ignoring the calls and my husband told them to leave me alone for a bit. Before my son was born my SIL said that my baby can call her mum if he wants when we were at a family BBQ. I was upset by this but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to cause a scene. When my baby was born my MIL said to my DS “come to mummy!” They are very over the top with my son and will take him from my arms as soon as we walk through the door without saying hello! I just find it really rude. I’ve said to my husband about it but he will just say you know what their like!

When we first came home from hospital his family would FaceTime us every single night to see my son! I feel that this is a bit excessive but my husband doesn’t! I just wanted to be left alone with my new family!

I have started to be a bit blunt to my MIL interrogations in the hope she would stop asking me thousands of questions and just enjoy the time with my son and stop judging me.

My son doesn’t nap very well at there house because it’s very busy with lots of people and he hates to miss out. Which is frustrating for me but every time my mil will say as he has missed his nap he will probably sleep through the night now! She just doesn’t understand even though I have told her so many times!

She sounds like a nightmare OP! Do you have to go every week? Maybe you could go sometimes and other times DH could take DS and you could have a nice break.

When she says to you in front of everyone that she wants to do the childcare, take her up on it. Be effusive. Tell her it's a relief as you would rather not spend the money on nursery. She can have him for 2 full days a week & it will actually be more convenient because you know she won't cancel if he's a bit snotty or something. You know she will not want to do it, & will either make some excuse, or back out later. Obviously, if you think there's any chance she will actually agree to do it & you're unhappy about that, don't do this!

Regarding naps, can you go to hers after he's woken up? Or will he nap in a buggy, maybe you go for a walk (double benefit, you can escape for a bit too!)

She does sound rather overbearing. Boundaries.

For the childcare thing, I'd practise a tinkly laugh 'what do you mean you'll do the childcare, you told me last week that it would be your worst nightmare and you could only do 2 hours at most, you silly billy.'

I think I'd be at the point of telling her that she's had her own children, who are grown up now so stop interfering with you raising your child.
I had a family member say to my DS something along the lines of 'come to Mummy' and I just snapped, told them they aren't his Mum so why on earth would you say that yada yada. It's never happened again anyway, but I'd pull her up on it the next time she does it. It's weird and not ok.

Hi Op, this must be so frustrating for you, especially if you feel no one backs you up.
It sounds like mil acts that way because she can - no one has ever pulled her up for it before. I know it is hard, but you need to start being firm. The sooner you start, the likelihood is the little niggleg things they say, will stop.

Don't let them grind you down, he is your son.

I wouldn't worry about the childcare thing - you don't really want her to do it. Just ignore. In fact I would try and ignore as much as possible.

I’m glad you all think she sounds a bit much. I try and bring it up with my DH but then he thinks I’m being too sensitive! But they all tread on eggshells around her as to not upset her. I understand she has had a hard time but I think she knows what she is doing.

@StepladderToHeaven we have to pretty much go every weekend, unless we are away on holiday. She will cry otherwise and then everyone will feel sorry for her and then I just look bad because I would be the one to say for us not to go. My DH would happily always go over there! I think I might just let him and my DS go.

@Notapheasantplucker I think I do need to tell her, I have started to be a bit blunt when she asks me stuff to see if she gets the hint but she never does. When my DS was born she was constantly asking if she could come round and watch him have a bath. I ended up taking bath stuff round when we were there one evening just to get her to shut up! Even though he is my son, everything is about her.

@Seeline to be honest I would rather she didn’t do the childcare. I just don’t like how she makes it all look like I’m not letting her see her grandson more.

@ItsSunnyOutside it is so frustrating! Everyone lets her just do what she wants and no one says anything so she just carries on! Every time someone passes my DS back to me she says can I have a cuddle. Yesterday I had enough so I said you can in a minute I’ve just got passed him back. My DH was annoyed at me about that because apparently I make it awkward and make people feel like they have to tread on eggshells! It seems to be ok for her to upset me but not the other way round!

How old is your DS? How old is MIL? Is this first grandchild?

Ok - I'll say it this time....you have a DH issue not a MiL one.

If your DH didn't say "How high?" when his mother says "Jump" you wouldn't be in this position.

He is till firmly attached to those apron strings. Time to get out the scissors and cut those strings.

She doesn't need to do childcare but you do have to pick her up on her comments if she says that she'll do childcare but then comes back and says she won't. Call her on it. Every time. "But MiL, you said to me that you couldn't do more than a few hours at a time, have you found your energy levels improving?"

As for SiL or MiL saying "Call me mummy", I'd nip that shit in the bud straight away. "No, SiL is Auntie, not Mummy. I'm mummy. That's daddy, there is granny, there is Uncle X". Then you say to SiL or MiL (whichever is saying it at the time) "I would be much happier if you didn't try and confuse DS about who his mother is. After all, you didn't go through 9 months of pregnancy and the complications after he was born. I have the stitches/scars from that."

You do, however have a weak DH who just doesn't see the issues in his own family so doesn't see that he has to deal with these issues.

So you have family to see too OP? I’d start making plans with your friends/family some weekend days too.

I’d be very glad there was no childcare offer from her too, she’d feel even more entitled to her opinions then

@Seeline DS is 10 months old now and MIL is 60. This is her first grandchild

@LookItsMeAgain I agree with you! I did ask him to say something about the come to mummy comments and he did, but then he gets annoyed because I’ve made him upset his family! When he said they wouldn’t have meant the comments! since DH dad died it’s as if they can all do what they want and say what they want to anyone regardless if it upsets someone. My MIL turns up at our house when every she wants, she wanted a key when we first moved it but I definitely made sure she didn’t get one! She’s the type to come in and rearrange my cupboards.

@BeaBeaBuzz yeah I have family to see too! I normally see them during the week, so that we can have weekends free to do something as a family of 3

Start moving your family to weekend too, use that as an excuse to only see them every second week

Stepping away from the ils was a life changer.. Dh took them. I stayed home and did chores!! Much more preferable to me!!
Find a hobby /get a ddog. All reasons to stay home!!

So he'd rather have an unhappy wife than an unhappy mother (who he doesn't live with)???

Such a poor role model for your DS to grow up with. "Sure Son, just don't piss off granny. It's ok to piss of your mother though" - that's essentially what he's saying.

I 100% agree with the suggestion by @BeaBeaBuzz - see your family at the weekend too, then at least you've cut the visits by 50% and they can't object to that. If they do, then you are going to have an almighty argument with your DH and he can run home to live with his mummy who he doesn't like to upset!

At 60 she should have lots of interests outside of her family - work, hobbies, friends. Definitely time to start stepping away a bit.

I knew your DS would be the first GC - any hope of anyone else providing one soon to take the pressure off? 😁

The mummy thing is fucking weird.

This sounds like a power struggle OP. Don’t wait for your DH to sort it out (though he should have already) - get stuck in and make it clear where they stand. You’ll need to make very clear boundaries and reinforce them.

Just don't go to her house. You are not obliged to go. Let Dh go if he wants. So what if she throws a tantrum. You need to set boundaries very quickly. If she arrives when you are on your own at home then open a window and tell her you're busy, but Dh will call round at the weekend. If she rings you, you don't have to answer. Tell Dh you missed a call and if he wants to ring her then let him. Next time she calls herself mummy, quickly correct her by saying grandma/granny, or whatever she's called. Your Dh needs to cop on and realise where his priorities lie. If he refuses to stand up to his interfering family then you are free to do it yourself.

Jeeez please just stand up for yourself.

Why are you spending precious baby years doing this?! To please her?!

Make some weekend plans. See your family, friends, book farm parks or swimming pools. Stop being so available and build a life for yourself and your son.

@Notaroadrunner

Just don't go to her house. You are not obliged to go. Let Dh go if he wants. So what if she throws a tantrum. You need to set boundaries very quickly. If she arrives when you are on your own at home then open a window and tell her you're busy, but Dh will call round at the weekend. If she rings you, you don't have to answer. Tell Dh you missed a call and if he wants to ring her then let him. Next time she calls herself mummy, quickly correct her by saying grandma/granny, or whatever she's called. Your Dh needs to cop on and realise where his priorities lie. If he refuses to stand up to his interfering family then you are free to do it yourself.

100% this

I don't understand why your husband isn't being more helpful having a baby is stressful enough without dealing with extra grief

I would let your DH take your DS and think of it as a bit of time to yourself. If you join him only once a month or so then it will feel less overwhelming and easier just to let it go over your head.
Also the comment about if they don’t nap they’ll sleep at night drives me crazy, even my lovely mil says it all the time and I’ve started to snap that it doesn’t work that way as I’m sick of saying it all the time

Thanks everyone! I think I’ll start booking our weekends up so we don’t have to go there all the time.

@Seeline unfortunately it doesn’t look like anyone else will be providing another grandchild anytime soon! I’m hoping my SIL would as then it would mean she would be less over the top with my DS and they would then all leave me alone a bit! But she doesn’t want to move out of her mums house because no one wants to leave her on her own

@LookItsMeAgain it’s ridiculous I know! Because her husband passed away no one is allowed to upset her! They all do everything to keep her happy!

My DH will often say that his family don’t get to spend enough time with my DS and I don’t leave him with them enough! It winds me up as since when is us having a baby about them! I couldn’t care less what they want! I don’t like to leave my DS with them as I feel threatened by them because of the various mummy comments that have been made, it’s bloody strange. I would never do that to my nieces! I feel that if I left him there they would try and get him to call them mummy! Just makes me uncomfortable.

My DH would have previously always stuck up for me but since his dad passed away, everything comes back to that! It’s been 3 years now since that happened so that’s more than enough time to adjust.

My DH has said I make things awkward and his family have to watch what they say around me as I’m too sensitive! Which to be honest is bullshit, if they kept their opinions to there self and stop with the rubbish comments there would be no issue. I have started to say things back now because I’ve had enough, having a baby is meant to be a special time for me and not be about them

Your husband really needs to grow a spine