My social anxiety is impacting on my daughter

[socialanxiety777]

I’m blessed to have a beautiful 15 month old daughter. I have severe social anxiety and always have done, but it’s become worse and worse over the years. I’ve lost all confidence and can’t face any situation that involves interacting with strangers without having a panic attack and coming out in bright red blotches.

I’m a stay at home mum and I know my daughter needs to interact with the outside world and I need to be a positive role model to her. I can just about manage to take her to the park, but playgroups or any sort of social situation are not something I can cope with.

I’m terrified my daughter will grow up like me - with very few friends and no career to speak of because I’ve never believed in myself and am so painfully shy.

I did speak to my GP once and tried CBT but it didn’t help.

I’m so upset, so frightened of history repeating itself and don’t know what to do.

Did you try any breathing or self relaxation exercises as part of your CBT?

As amazing as she is, part of me feels guilty that I brought her into the world knowing there was a good chance she’d have similar issues to me.

@Sarahlou63 no I didn’t - I had six sessions and don’t remember that being touched on, but I may have just forgotten.

Lockdown has made things much worse for people with social anxiety.

You need to go back to the GP. Did the CBT help at all? Did you do the homework and practise the exercises?

How old is your daughter? Are you in the house all day or do you take her out to shops and swimming and such things?

I did a bit of the homework but admit I didn’t engage myself fully. I was just so overwhelmed with various other things going on at the time that it was hard to apply myself properly.

We’re in the house most of the time, but do go to the park/shops or just for a walk around most days. I just can’t face playgroups or anything that involves properly interacting with others.

Is her dad involved? Any other relatives?
Somebody needs to take her out and interact with people otherwise she will become phobic too.

I can’t forgive myself for not being the best mum to her. I’m letting her down so badly and am so worried she’s going to end up like me.

Somebody needs to take her out and interact with people otherwise she will become phobic too.

This is what I’m worried about. Dad is involved but works full time. He does take her out at weekends to see his family, so that’s something. But she doesn’t do any playgroups.

Try a baby group you don't need to talk to anyone if you don't want to. You will be surprised as most people feel the same xx

Same here, I have 3 kids, two shy one normal. I send them to nursery since 2 years old for the sake of interaction with other children. I have seen many shy mums who have very confident and loud kids so I doubt your shyness will have much impact with your LO in the end. They will come out of who they really are during school years.

Maybe think about a forest schoolwhen she’s older.. ? She’d be outside, have lots of interaction with other kids, be so busy exploring she’d have no time to worry.. also Excercise is good for anxiety especially walking.. and you could have the choice to hang back if it’s too much.. there’s a mums stroller walking group near us.. maybe one near you.. also if your anxiety dial is at 10 !! all the time good ol lexapro helped me..

You need to seek help and work on this issue. I know it’s hard but after the age of 2 she will need to play with peers and different experiences are very important to acquisition of language and reading.

OP, I didn’t do any playgroups or nursery until I was 4.5, and I’ve turned out fine. My mum isn’t an introvert but we didn’t do playgroups, and our closest family members lived 3000 miles away, I think I met them twice before starting school. Our only ‘outing’ was weekly church service. There are many other children who are raised by SAH parents and don’t go to big childcare settings before school either.

The playground is a good start. Definitely take her around the shops and any appointments you can with you. Could you perhaps put her in nursery for a couple of mornings a week in a few months’ time, is that an option financially? It’s good she sees some of her dad’s family. Do you have any close relatives she interacts with?

Please don’t think you’re failing her. Just look for opportunities to expose her to people and she will most likely be okay. If she grows up to be an introvert that won’t be a failure on your part. Encourage her to have friends when she’s at school etc, and she will be fine.

I think it will take time OP. Please try not to worry about the future- what may or may not happen- try to live in the present and take things one day at a time.
Perhaps a different type of therapy will help you - ask your GP.
The fact that you're posting here shows how good of a mum you are. Your little DD will be fine x

Do you have a local home start? They are amazing and can help. They often run playgroups but people there have their own issues too. They can be really helpful with support or even a volunteer who you could get to know

Would hypnotherapy be an option? Please talk to your GP again about other options if CBT hasn't worked. I had social phobia for a long time, I used medication and also techniques I learned from hypnotherapy and CBT to overcome it. It's a process but worth it. In the meantime, like pp said, maybe you can ask someone else to take your DC to group settings.

Hi OP,

I feel just like you, I have a lovely 3 month old DD who is my whole world but I’m already getting super anxious about making sure she doesn’t become anxious like me. I really want to be able to take her to a swimming group in the next few months but it’s as much as I can do to go out with her in the pram on my own. I just don’t know how I’m going to get beyond this. I want to be the best Mum I can be but my life long anxiety is like a thorn in my side. Just the thought of baby groups fill me with dread. I couldn’t even manage to get her in the car on my own and drive somewhere because I like to sit next to her when DH drives us anywhere. I worry about every little thing. I worry about being anywhere new with her on my own, meeting people, what do I say, will they judge me, it just goes on and on. I feel safe at home and it’s a vicious circle.

I tried CBT during pregnancy but I just didn’t connect with it and it did nothing to help me when my anxiety reached new levels just after my baby was born.

I just wanted to say I know what you are going through and I think it is much more common than we realise.

I’m tying to get up the courage to arrange some counselling. Have you tried it?

Not sure it is hereditary. Or influenced by parent. DD1 did playgroups etc, I happily talk to anyone, She doesn't. I forced her to interact with people in situations eg you want sweets you can have them but you have to go in the shop yourself, ask for them pay for them etc., joined her up for theatre groups etc (which she hated) tried all sorts and STILL she refuses to go collect a takeaway for us all. Yet she has a job that's totally customer facing?! Speaks to customers and other companies etc all day in person and on the phone. Really do not understand.

I really reccomend taking part in this trial.

www.parentingwithanxiety.org.uk/

[quote socialanxiety777]@Sarahlou63 no I didn’t - I had six sessions and don’t remember that being touched on, but I may have just forgotten.[/quote]
OK. Try breathing exercise and muscle relaxing exercise.

Why? Because if you are relaxed, you CAN'T be anxious. If you do those exercises every day until they are second nature you will be able to do them unconsciously the moment you feel yourself tense up.

You could also read this self help guide - it will help you understand why you get anxious and how to overcome it.

Finally, try to disassociate yourself from the anxiety. You don't 'have' anxiety (it's not a disease) you are not 'anxious' (it's not a personality disorder) you just happen to feel anxious sometimes but it's not part of who you are.

I’d get more therapy. A different type of therapy or even just a different therapist could make a big difference.

I’d also pay a nanny/babysitter to take your DD out to places to start to give your DD some normal social experiences because she might really enjoy them and to try and help her to not follow suit with you on this one.

I can understand that it’s very very difficult for you to take her to places that will trigger your anxiety.

I’m emetophobic which has definitely played a part in me not taking DD to certain places that I fear are germ ridden very often but I have absolutely forced myself to do it from time to time as I do feel a responsibility for DD to experience things her peers are despite my issues and a responsibility to myself to not totally give into my phobia.

This was me a few years ago and I do think I have impacted my daughter quite a lot and if I could go back and change it I would in a heartbeat. I had social anxiety and literally could barely leave my home to go to the shops. I also had no family or friends so we didn’t socialise with anyone and this made it even worse. My daughter now is very shy and quiet and struggles to be in places where there are too many people and lots of noise and I really trying to undo my past mistakes but it is harder now she is older.

The best thing for me was getting a job which forced me to be social and see people and gave me a sense of self worth. I would really recommend getting out as much as you can, join clubs, the gym, go to bars etc as the more you do it the easier it gets. If you have a close friend try and go out with them and meet people with them so you’re not totally alone.
The more confident you are the more confident your child will be.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Is her dad involved? Any other relatives? Somebody needs to take her out and interact with people otherwise she will become phobic too.

What a totally and absolutely ridiculous thing to say.

You are at an early stage with your child.

Cut yourself some slack hon.

We are still in the middle of a global pandemic

The most important thing right now is your mother child relationshipl.

So do what feels good. Do what you need to do in terms of chores etc and try not to worry about anyone else.

think of something you might enjoy. Together and do that.

Not what someone else thinks you should be doing.

x

You absolutely need to get back to therapy.

There are lots of different types and even if CBT didn’t feel like it was for you, there will be something that can help.

Go back to your GP. Be persistent, make it clear how much this is impacting both your and your child’s life.

If you can afford it I would look at private help as well. Someone who specialises.
You do have to engage though, therapy isn’t magic, you have to do the work in and outside the sessions.

The majority of anxious people I know have an anxious parent, it absolutely is something that could impact your daughter. It’s not a given of course but our children learn from us and it’s not unlikely she’ll pick up on your fears.

Absolutely go back and investigate different methods of therapy and medication, it won’t just go away with work.

Good luck