Is this post natal depression or just me being a moody cow?

[Fleetw00d]

Just in need of some advice please! My baby is 3 almost 4 months old and an absolute dream, has her fussy days but on the whole really chill and happy and mostly great sleeper. The last few weeks I've just been so unbearably irritable and quite tearful, mainly with my oh who doesn't really help me much with her in terms of nappies, baths etc, and doesn't do much round the house.

However there are many things irritating me, our house is too small when his son comes to stay and I'm finding i dread those weekends, not because of him but because it's 4 people in a 2 up 2 down, his toys everywhere as well as baby stuff, additional washing up etc. We are looking for another house as we both find it quite stressful.
I mention daily that he really could do the odd nappy or cook dinner every once in a while and it's always 'ill just order a takeaway' or just a brush off, he probably thinks I'm a bit of a nag I think. I used to quite happily do everything round the house and all the cooking but now we have a baby I just get a bit overwhelmed. When his son is here I've had times of just bursting into tears (not in front of him or anything) just because there's shit everywhere and we're falling over each other.

OH will come home from work and just head to the gym or plays on his game, sometimes sits with us until her bath and bedtime, will look after her while I cook etc. By the time I've sat down with her in bed and no jobs to do it's 9pm, I try do as much as I can housework wise while she naps during the day but seems there's just never ending washing, cleaning etc. I used to be in the gym every day and loved it, now I can't find the time or the energy to work out and feel just like a fat lump, so I feel quite resentful that he can just merrily trot off to the gym after work.

This is quite recent that I've been feeling like this, have no sex drive, the smallest thing (toe stub, someone getting in my way in the street, things not working, annoying substitutions in my online food delivery.. the list goes on) will set me off and I'll just feel this bubbling rage and have to breathe through it, or cry out of frustration. I'm getting the coil fitted next week and hoping that will help the hormone side of things.

Is this just normal hormones post birth and adjusting to mum life, or are these feelings I need to speak to someone about? Also just to say I never ever get irritated by my daughter, she is simply amazing.

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant haha, I do love my OH very much and he's a fantastic dad, just quite lazy, which he would agree with!

I’m no expert at all but it sounds like your DH may be the issue and not your mental health. My DH more than does his fair share and I still get frustrated with him so I have no idea how you are putting up with this. In my view before and after he goes to work everything is split 50/50. What will happen when you go back to work (if you are planning to)? It’s just not sustainable for you to continue to do everything, is it?

I think it's a difficult one, you sound overwhelmed but equally doing too much. Can you scale back on the cleaning, if you're in a 2 up 2 down and DH is out at work most of the day is there that much to do? Try reducing what you do, tidy things away when the baby is awake, you can make it into a game then the actual cleaning shouldn't take forever.

Try and get out, go for a walk, to the shops, see friends etc.. it'll really help.

Talk with DH about how you feel, but if you've always been the one to tidy up he probably doesn't realise what it involves. My DH is like this, I just tell him watch need him to do e.g I find it most helpful for him to tidy things away rather than clean.

Good luck

Talk to your GP.

It may be PND or you may be tired and the situation is getting on top of you or a mixture of both.

He doesn’t do bath time or change his child’s nappies or pull his weight in the house! These are very basic and if he isn’t doing this then he isn’t an adequate Dad never mind a fantastic Dad. It sounds more like you are struggling to deal with a crap partner and having to do all the work yourself while his life hasn’t changed.

I don't think it's depression or moody cow. It's a worry how ready you are to blame yourself, when essentially what you're saying is 'My partner has barely lifted a finger since we had a baby, and he carries on like before, whilst I do every single bit of the childcare.'

You can't just laugh this off as 'Oh, he's such a lazy, silly old oaf!! Haha!'

It's really not fucking funny. He's not pulling his weight, and you're feeling shit to the point that you think you might be suffering from depression.

Have you told him that you'd love to get to the gym? If so, how did he respond? If not, why not?

Only going by what you’ve written, but you can’t be a ‘fantastic dad’ and be ‘lazy’. The second negates the first. A good dad puts the time in with the child and helps the mother out to alleviate her stress.

Is there a way you can relate this to him? He might be genuinely oblivious and want to help more if he knows how you feel.

The bar for men being great parents really is low isn't it? He does nothing with the baby, nothing round the house and prioritises his own activities and some how he's fantastic?

It could be PND and you should chat to your HV or GP or it could be that your partner is a lazy oaf who needs a rocket up his arse.

No wonder you're feeling this way when your DP does nothing. He needs to be doing equal to you at the very least.

Can you tell him what he has to do to make your life easier?? Or have a chat with him about it all. You cannot be expected to carry on as mum/cook/cleaner/organiser and if you let him, he will carry on like this and you will get to an point of resenting him!

This needs sorting sooner rather than later OP, before his behaviour as a dad gets truly entrenched.

I would start with him doing nappies when he's home from work, and all Bath times with you! No more games or gym time if he can't get his sh*t together. That's the rule of thumb at our house.

Doesnt do nappies
Doesn't do bathtime
Leaves all the chores and cooking to you

Prioritises gaming and gym over spending time with his child.

My goodness you've set the bar so low for being a fantastic dad that it's submerged.

You say he doesn't really 'help me much with her' - he shouldn't be helping anyway, he should be parenting. When he's gone, it's should be 50-50 and that's without you asking of having to direct him.

You may have pnd, and seeking help is probably sensible. But you definitely have a partner problem and anything else is just a sticking plaster over this.

This is mumsnet useless husband bingo I'm afraid, it's all there. You need to remind him you're both parents, not just you, and that he has no right to more free time than you. And no, looking after the baby doesnt count as free time.

Thank you all, I'll tackle the OH problem first and see if that changes my mood! I've had a chat to him and think it has got through, he's done washing up without being asked anyway! Like @ManicPixie said i think he was just oblivious. Once she's on food and off the boob I'll be taking myself off for a spa day (paid for by him of course) so he can appreciate that childcare is a lovely but hard and demanding job. Because he works during the day I think he just doesn't see it.

I agree the bar is set so low for men, I don't understand why this is though as a lot of my friends are in the same position. I had a scroll and saw so many other posts that read pretty much the same as mine!

My baby is 9 weeks old, she is slightly clingy and she’s very uncomfortable all the time but we are waiting to see an allergy specialist and we’ve changed her milk.
I have PND, was diagnosed last week but haven’t started tablets yet
I had to talk to therapy for you then go back to my GP then they referred me to post natal care so I’m now waiting for my prescription to arrive

I know some medication will help me but I still think it will be good to know I’m not alone in this
I miss my old life, I’m sick of having no money (I don’t get maternity pay if any sort)
a lot has gone on in the last year so it’s understandable I’m feeling down
I also didn’t have a very nice birth and I just feel shit all the time
I love my baby so much, sometimes I cry just looking at her because I love her but sometimes I find myself wishing I never had a baby.
mom overwhelmed with absolutely everything all I seen to do is clean, cook and look after her
my partner works and is great with her from the minute he gets home but I’m just so miserable so moody and so impatient the slightest thing sets me off