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Original poster

I was called a bad parent over the weekend...

29 replies

ELF1981 · 26/11/2007 21:42

... by my own family ...
for not allowing my DD to have some sweets.

Saturdays we all go to my parents for tea, and typically DD wont eat because she knows my parents will give her sweets / chocolates anyway.

So she ate nothing for tea and I told her that she could not have any sweets unless she ate her dinner. That is the rule at home - she can have two small sweets / a couple of M&Ms / some ice-cream or something like that if she eats enough dinner. Same as the CM - no crisps until all sandwich eaten, no sweet unless all dinner eaten etc.

So I refused to let her have sweets. Later she ran to my sister and asked for an ice-cream, and my sis asked if I'd said it was okay, so DD say "yes" (fibber!) and brought me the ice-cream. I told her to take it back, as she had not eaten dinner.

Dad and Mum said I was being mean and I was "never treated like that growing up".

Please tell me whether I am being an evil mother.

Later, DD ate a ham sandwich, so I let her have two sweets, but I'm wondering if I'm horrible mum.

BTW - she doesn't get sweets everyday, maybe twice a week / three times?

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Hulababy · 26/11/2007 21:46

No you're not IMO. DD doesn't have sweets or chocolate unless her meal is eaten.

DynamicKermitsNanny · 26/11/2007 21:46

No I don't think you're a horrible mum and well done for standing up for what are eseentially your parenting principles

IsawBUMPERkissingsantaclaus · 26/11/2007 21:46

You are not a horrible mum! Gosh, it's not like you were beating her with a nail encrusted stick or anything.

I don't think they were saying you are a bad parent. I think it seems to be grandparents prerogative to stuff the GDCs silly with sweets, but really it's none of their business!

Besides far better you are a consistent mother and stick to your word than say no one minute then relent.

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dd666 · 26/11/2007 21:47

no not at all its your dc and they should go by your rules

meemar · 26/11/2007 21:48

Of course you're not a horrible mum . There is nothing cruel or mean about teaching children that certain foods are a 'treat' and not a replacement for meals.

Your DD has cottoned on to the fact that your parents are happy to undermine you so is playing up.

They are being interfering and unreasonable.

mollymawk · 26/11/2007 21:50

You are not being mean at all.
Your parents, however, are being very forgetful about your childhood, I'm sure!

FourPlusOne · 26/11/2007 21:50

Don't worry, my dad thinks I am really mean for not letting DS watch TV very often. He actually used the word 'cruel'!

Original poster
ELF1981 · 26/11/2007 21:52

I relaxed on sweets - originally when she was younger I said non at all, we hardly keep any sweets or chocolates in our house anyway, so not difficult! But my parents are always giving her sweets and chocolates behind my back

Amazing how parents forget how they treated their own kids - I remember having to spend hours at the dinner table until my parents thought I had eaten enough - wasn't allowed to go unless they were satisfied I'd had enough food, and even then, no pudding!

OP posts:
Miaou · 26/11/2007 21:58

I remember when dd1 was little my mum was shocked at the way I handled her and thought I was "really hard" on her. But now she can't praise me and dh enough about our kids cos they are lovely (unlike my dn who was given a lot more leeway in the way you described and is a spoiled child now )

Miaou · 26/11/2007 21:59

Incidentally, my mum was much "harder" on me than I was/am on my kids, so I don't know why she was so critical !

scampmum · 26/11/2007 22:01

Grr. Well done for sticking up for your principles.

My MIL said to DD (19 months) this Saturday: 'I will go and change your nappy because your HORRIBLE PARENTS won't' when DH asked if someone else could possibly change her as we were unpacking the shopping (their dinner). I hit the roof.

Original poster
ELF1981 · 26/11/2007 22:25

My sister did defend me to my dad, he made a comment to her yesterday and my ds did say "you have to agree with ELF because otherwise her DD will never respect her, and will end up eating CRAP which ELF does not want" ... bless her

OP posts:
Jennster · 26/11/2007 22:32

Ha! Had this conversation at my Mum and Dad's on Sunday. I said 'OH I'm a cruel Mummy' and my Mum said she was the same to us don't you remember (wrt pudding and sweets btw) and as it happens I don't so stick to your guns sounds like you're doing a great job.

Sprogstersmum · 27/11/2007 20:31

I'd say it's much crueler to allow your child to have sweets instead of meals thereby setting them up for a lifetime of bad diet and subsequent health problems.

scattyspice · 28/11/2007 12:38

A few sweets here and there don't do any harm.

newy · 28/11/2007 12:45

I remember being at an uncle's and my parents forcing me to eat green beans til I puked on the table. Now they spoil ds by letting him watch tv, giving him stuff with sugar in (rusks and stuff not mars bars) and he's only 8 months! GParents see it as their right to spoil their grandchildren basically cos they don't need to deal with any of the fallout - bratty, toothless kids etc..

sprogger · 29/11/2007 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hifi · 29/11/2007 14:12

elf, yanbu. they should do as you wish. my parents also have a dig at me about sweets and additives, although dd does have some sweets everyday. they also thaught i was being cruel by not allowing her Mcdonalds.

pigleto · 29/11/2007 14:16

You say that your dd expects to get sweets at her grandparents house and that is why she didn't eat dinner. If you are suddenly changing the rules your parents might think you are being a bit inconsistant.

We have the same rule - no main course = no desert but we don't insist on it when we are out and about. It is not worth fighting the grandparental need to spoil the dcs rotten.

EmsMum · 29/11/2007 14:19

YANBU, but I tend to agree with sprogger that rules which apply strictly at home may be relaxed elsewhere. Not at the CM though as presumably thats a very regular event.

In this particular instance though your DD was out of line because she knew you'd said she had to wait till she'd had dinner and then she lied. You were entirely correct to stick to your guns at that point.

Tortington · 29/11/2007 14:20

its not about the sweets its about saying - i have the power here - do as i say.

you do this for the childs own good. not just for meals but for generality in family life - do as i say i am your mother. my word is law - i have te power here.

so its not just a "awww give her some sweets " issue.

much more complicated. tell your mum its not her decision to make and to refreain from saying such thngs infornt of your daughter.

WriggleJiggle · 29/11/2007 14:23

This sort of thing drives me mad . A few months ago GPs visited and I decided to go with the flow and not to be so strict about dd's eating.
As a result in 24 hours she ate 1/4 sandwich and the rest was either sweets, chocolate or crisps !

Will never make that same mistake again.

callmeovercautious · 29/11/2007 14:30

Stick to your guns! We just got back from a week at the in laws and DD now won't eat anything because she wants biscuits/fruit (she is 15m) at home she only gets this if she has had some veg or a sandwich etc.... GPs spoilt her rotten!

binkleandflip · 29/11/2007 14:32

am sure you know in your heart you are not a bad mum

yummers · 29/11/2007 14:38

a bad parent would be one who let their dcs eat sweets whenever they wanted, surely?