Back to work with a 7 month old

[sleaterminnie]

Just wanted to rant and know if anyone has been in a similar position.

My daughter is about to turn 6 months, and I'm due to go back to work at the end of August (technically already back, but on holiday until then). I put in a request to go part time, but it was denied.

For complicated reasons I don't qualify for any maternity pay, maternity allowance or benefits - so maternity leave has been a huge financial struggle. We've been trying to move to a house, we have just enough to do it if I start having a salary again, but if I don't we'll eat away too much of the saving and it will be impossible for a long time/forever. Currently in a tiny top floor flat with no lift, so we really need to move.

Hence why I said I'd go back now, taking advantage of the holiday pay.

As I said I asked to go part time, but they turned me down - I couldn't ask until quite late because we were in the process of getting a house, and needed not to mess with the mortgage agreement situation or it would fall through. Then that fell through anyway, so now I have nowhere to live, no childcare in a feasible area and have to go back to work.

I've arranged to leave my daughter with my parents for now when I go back. Its really great to have that option, but I'm worried about them - especially my dad - because they are older and I think are going to struggle.

Every time I think about the fact that in a month I'm going to have to leave her 5 days a week, it feels like my heart is breaking. She is so tiny, and she doesn't understand yet that I will come back when I leave. We've had a difficult time with feeding, but finally got into the swing of it, but I'll have to stop breastfeeding. We've not had the opportunity to do any classes or groups or anything like that (all still closed in my area because of covid). It all just feels so wrong.

Hello, I think a huge proportion of mums feel like this. The mum guilt is something you don’t really anticipate until you are really in the middle of it. Going back to work can be a real wrench, whatever age your baby, but when they are so tiny it is especially hard.

A few things to think about.

In many countries, six month maternity leave or less is the norm. You wouldn’t say that kids in the USA are as a rule badly parented, would you?

You have arranged family care for your baby, if both your parents are doing that together it will be a lot easier and I expect they will love it. Once you can find and afford good quality childcare, you can reduce them to a few days a week. It takes a village, etc etc

You still get holiday, weekends, bedtime with your baby. It is lots of time, believe me! Just try and manage your life admin down so that you can devote as much time as possible to your little one.

Your baby is starting to wean, milk is less important in 5 months time, you were never going to breastfeed forever. Cuddles, a book, and some singing are just as good for comfort.

Being financially okay, having the sanity of working outside the home with adults and returning really keen to see your child, is a very important thing.

You haven’t missed out on baby groups. Babies don’t give a shit about groups, it is just for mums to stop them going insane. You’ll make friends with mums at daycare and at school. Plenty of time for extracurriculars later. A trip to Lidl is just as exciting for a baby as half an hour singing or watching parachute games at a time when really baby should be napping.

Strongly advise you make a list of ALL the positives you can think of. Then read it daily.

It is not an easy transition, I’m not minimising it, but it WILL BE FINE. Been there, done it, have an absolutely awesome 11 y.o. as proof that it works out ok.

Not having Mat Pay must have been tough. Will you be entitled if you have anymore?

Also, are you doing some trial rubs with your DPs like leaving her for half an hour and building up? I'm not sure how old they are but going from not having DC to a full week, every week is a big commitment.

It's perfectly normal not to want to go back and to stay with your baby as well. Some Mums are happy to go back and some aren't, it's just the way you are.

I always found the thought of going back worse than actually doing it. Once you're at work you'll be busy and distracted and very soon it will be the new normal

I get the mum guilt. I think we all feel elements of that. You don't have to stop breast feeding unless you want? Your employer has to provide space for you to express during your time in work and/ or feed if the baby is brought in. Something to think about. I had older parents looking after my 6 month old when I returned to work and it went well. It was lovely seeing their relationship develop and they did lots of little trips out with DS. It worked up until the pandemic hit and I had to make other arrangements before they were able to have their vaccinations. Good luck ! I am sure your parents will spoil their grandchild rotten and provide excellent care while you are at work

I'm going back at 4 months! Honestly it's something we can't help. We aren't as fortunate as others and we have to work with what we can. My DS1 spent an entire year with me (thanks to covid) and i do not doubt that DS2 will be just as bonded with me as him, it's just a different situation but we have to do our best to support our families

I went back when DS was 5 months. Also refused part-time so had to work 13 weeks so as not to pay back any maternity before I could leave. As a teacher, I can only leave a job at 3 times in the year so I had to go back full-time to get in the 13 weeks before the next leaving date.

Anyway. It wasn't brilliant, but it was doable. I was expressing on my lunch hour and feeding as soon as I got home. I now work 4 days and that gives me a balance of work and a day in the week to do things with him. Now he's a toddler there is so much more he can do and I can take him to more fun places - as a baby it was for me to chat with people so you're not missing out on loads. It's better when they're older!

Do I feel guilty? Yes! Do I wish I could be a SAHM? Yes! Do I feel jealous of SAHMs? Yes! But you just have to crack on with what works for you at the time. Do full-time for a bit and get a house. Then you can find a different job that's part-time. Hopefully it won't be for too long and then you'll have more time to spend with your DC to do all the things you want to.

Sending hugs. It's not easy being a working mum.

Your parents having her in that in the short term, do you have longer childcare plans? I ask because a 1 yr old is very active and if you worry about your dad with a 6 month old god help the toddler Years.

Also I went back full time and still breastfed, he just had a bottle in the day and fed at morning, bedtime and weekends, it was crazy tiring for me, but it did make me feel like I wasn't completely breaking that bond by going back so early.

I've went back at 16 weeks for 22 weeks (shared parental leave), I worked part time due to holidays and I was working from home so I appreciate it is a different situation but I feel like I partially know how you will feel. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I'm glad I did it.

RE breastfeeding you don't need to stop if you don't want to. It will be tough the first few weeks but once your baby starts having solids their daytime feeds tend to drop off quite a lot. I would arrange to express at work and continue breastfeeding. My initial plan wasn't to work from home (covid!) and I was going to express mid morning, at lunch and then mid afternoon. You can also get an Elvie pump which you can pop in your bra while you work. You're baby will adjust to slightly less milk than normal during the day and will take more when she is with you.

You're doing a good job and making the right decision for you and your family

@CustardyCreams.

Thanks for this, it was genuinely a big help to read.

Its funny because these are really things I do KNOW on a information level, but you discount them because you feel crap.

I remember considering the US thing when I was originally planning how I'd go back to work, thinking it couldn't be that bad if they all do it that way even if not ideal. But then people ask when I'm going back here, and look horrified, and it makes me feel even worse.

Same with the other stuff you said - I know its true, and its fine, and it'll be hard but not the end of the world. But then sometimes I just think about it and spiral.

I think I'm going to try my best just not to think about it for now, and then repeat these points to myself when I do go back.

You're totally right that I need to

@dunroamingfornow.

Thanks for your message - its kind of complicated with breast feeding and work for me.

I have ADHD, which to be honest is another reason I'm particularly worried about all this - I struggle with organisation/focus, which makes dealing with keeping on top of things really difficult.

I can take medication that will help, but not while breastfeeding. So my original thinking was that I'd stop when I went back to work, and I made an appointment for just before, but now I'm wondering if I should keep going for just a few more weeks.

Basically its a weighing the pros/cons between the benefits/bonding of breastfeeding and potentially something thats really going to help cope with the whole situation.

@KatherineOfGaunt.

I'm a teacher as well, so yes absolutely that is the difficulty. I'm newly qualified (only actually worked one term before going on mat leave) - hence the no maternity pay/allowance (since I was a student on a bursary rather than earning the year before).

How easy did you find it to get a part time teaching role? I've never really looked for them advertised before - I know part time teachers are around, but I've only known ones who have gone part time on an existing contract.

I teach secondary science which is generally one of the easier to find positions in, but its still terrifying to have to find somewhere that I can not only be flexible but will look after me as an NQT.

With my first daughter I went back full time at 7 months for financial reasons. We used a childminder. I was very worried.

She settled very well. She was clingy with the childminder at first but not for long. 7 months is before separation anxiety gets bad and going 5 days a week makes it easier for them to settle faster.

You don't have to give up breastfeeding. You can feed morning and nights and more at weekends. I continued to breastfeed like this for a long time.

I missed her but she thrived with her childminder and our bond remained strong. She's now a loving, confident and popular 6 year old who is top of her class. She also sees that I have as much of a career as her dad (who is a teacher!).