How to get more relaxed? It seems I am a helicopter parent.

[gemloving]

I never noticed it as much but when I went to my friend's child's birthday party yesterday I noticed I am a very different kind of parent compared to everyone else. My friend and her circle are all stay at home mums that's why it was during the week.

His friend turned 3, my boy is 2 1/2. They let them all run freely and let them do as they please. If the kids had an argument they shouted from their seat etc They have a fairly big garden, a big trampoline, climbing frame with a slide etc, also here and there, the children went inside to play. Everyone was sitting down having their coffee, cake and everyone was chatting except me, I was watching my child and then almost felt silly but then didn't feel relaxed enough to not be there, especially when he's completely out of sight.

He's generally a good boy so there is nothing to worry about as such but I am always like to secure him on the climbing frame even though he doesn't need me going up.

What's your thoughts? How can I be more relaxed?

At home, we have a town house and the spare room is the playroom, so I don't mind him being up there by himself for 5-10 minutes (it's very child proofed) whilst I clear up the breakfast but generally, I like to be there.

I’m not sure I have any good advice as I was like you with my 2.5 year old; at that age I used to stand at the bottom of the stairs when she went up and down in case she fell and during our first play date another mum seemed to think that was quite ott but I felt that I patented my way and other people parented their way. If you’re still doing it at 4 then try to step back but 2.5 is still little; I’ve naturally stepped back a bit as DD has gotten more confident and capable

Firstly, try not to compare yourself, just try to focus on what kind of parent you want to be. When you say They let them all run freely and let them do as they please. If the kids had an argument they shouted from their seat etc they sound like quite annoying parents to be around tbh!

I would not have wanted my child out of sight at 2.5 either, even in the house. It was just natural for him to be near to me.

Then they get older, and it changes.

I'm not sure you are doing anything that wrong with the staying near - except it sounds like you are helping before he needs help e.g. on the climbing frame.

A first step would be to be near but wait to be asked for help?

I can see the thing about not getting involved if kids are having an argument- part of learning is sorting things out themselves. Do you mean you step in every time your child gets involved in a minor conflict with their friends? If so I don't thing that's going to be all that helpful to your child in the long run. Also I presume your friends' garden is sufficiently childproof for for them to run around in, but if you don't feel comfortable then I guess you have no choice but to follow your child around 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you are of an anxious disposition regarding your child I don't think you'll be able to chill out until you resolve the source of the anxiety.

It is a myth that stepping in at a young age prevents them learning, it is the best way for them to learn.

At 2.5 they are not old enough to know how to resolve conflict and leaving them unsupported will only slow down the learning of that skill.

You step in once there is a problem at 2.5. The key is correctly identifying the precise point where it becomes a problem, that is the tricky bit. But there is no evidence that being a bit over helpful produces worse outcomes than being a bit under helpful.

I'm probably somewhere in the middle. My DD is the same age and free to roam our house and at grandparents. At a less familiar place, I would keep more of an eye on him and check on him after a bit.

A lot of it comes down to experience. We have a playhouse in the garden so I know DS is used to the ladder, but I would still hover at first on a new climbing frame. DS also has an older sister, so they are often off playing together. I let them try to solve their disputes first and intervene if it's getting too much.

If you want to feel more relaxed then I think it is taking small steps e.g. going to the park and gradually supporting less. Out of interest, we're the other children more familiar with the friend's home? However I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. Even sensible 2 year olds can still cause chaos at times!

Six months is fairly substantial at that age, especially if some of them might be older and children develop at different stages. One of mine was particularly clumsy, we now know why but they did need more supervision. Having said that dh is more helicopter than me and as the children have grown older it is a source of conflict when he wants to step in to situations they are dealing with.

I wouldn't suddenly change but over the next few months maybe start to step back a little, encourage him to do things himself- oh you don't need me there, you can do this really well. You need to prepare yourself that there will be more accidents and it is always easy to think if only I had been closer. It is harder though to quantify the risk of being a helicopter parent and the effects are seen later. The child who clings to their parents on the first day of school, the child who won't go on a school trip because their parents aren't there, the child who lives at home in their 30s because mummy does everything for them and they will never find anyone who will centre them as much. Having more than one child probably helps too as you don't have the time or energy to be on top of them when you have a newborn, not that I am suggesting you should have another one just for that reason but maybe sometimes imagine that you do and so he needs to do some tasks himself.

Are the children all first babies? I was like you with my first, by my 3rd I'm now the sit back and only intervene if there's blood type...

The child who clings to their parents on the first day of school, the child who won't go on a school trip because their parents aren't there, the child who lives at home in their 30s because mummy does everything for them and they will never find anyone who will centre them as much.

This is a totally made up fear though, none of that happens from helping a kid at 2.5 years old!

You make kids more clingy by being emotionally unavailable tbh.

Maybe I should have said the child whose mother clings to them on the first day and who won't let them go on a school trip but I have seen that happen and the children then are more anxious about going away from their parents. If you read my post I was not advocating withdrawing from them emotionally and highlighted that they were younger and might have additional needs that OP is not yet aware of. However gradually over a number of months giving the child confidence that they can climb the frame without a parent holding them or letting them be further away is a normal part of developing independence.

Only OP knows how much they helicopter their child but my observation is that over time being over protective leads to conflict when the child wants to take steps into the world which the parent holds back on. It is always going to feel safer as a parent to be constantly by their side but at some point you need to start to let go. For example I encourage my 11yr old to walk home from school, go shopping in town and catch a bus, my husband always is a few months/ years behind in feeling confident in these steps. I have to constantly remind him that he would do those things at that age, they are competent to do those things. Obviously there are risks to their safety, but there are also risks in being too protective. This pattern was established early on with him always being on top of them at playgrounds when all around him were letting their children play. He was the parent climbing in the soft play area with a 4yr old when all other children ran around on their own, as did mine when he wasn't there. OP only you know how protective you are but I would take it slowly, gradually step back reassuring your child, and yourself, that they can do this, then they will become more confident too. Arnica is really useful for bruises, you will get a few more injuries. There is a balance and at 2.5yrs I would still be supervising but starting to step back.

Some parents go to the other extreme too, for example leaving young children completely unsupervised so it might be that they were all at the other end of the spectrum which also isn't helpful. I imagine lockdown has made all these parenting judgements much harder so take it slowly and gradually withdraw a little.

OP I’m a bit of a helicopter parent too but I’m comfortable with that. It’s partly about ensuring my children’s safety as best I can (no 2.5 year old should be out of your sight in a new environment) but partly about monitoring their behaviour and teaching.

I went camping last weekend with DH and our two kids aged 4 and 2. While DH put the tent down I took the kids to the play area in the middle of the field which had the tents all around. A few kids were playing unsupervised while both parents TSS packed up, some of whom were in another bit of field the other side of a hedge. So not even able to look up and check their three year old was still there, this really shocked me. Then one of the kids started lobbing handfuls of sand at the other kids heads so of course I gently stepped in and said in a cheery voice ‘oh we don’t throw sand do we, it could hurt someone’. If my kid was chucking sand I sure as hell want to be there to stop them injuring another child and to ensure they learn that’s not ok.

Despite being a bit of a helicopter apparently I’ve still had a couple of near misses with my kids that haunt me. So in my mind you just can’t be too careful. I try and step back if they’re on a climbing frame or something and encourage them to do it alone but I’ll make sure I’m there to leap in if they fall. That’s my balance and I’m happy with it. If anyone else judges my judgements I don’t really care!

There's a difference between perpetual hovering and butting in the moment it looks like anything might happen, and keeping an eye / being present. It sounds like you are one end of the spectrum, the others were at the far end.

Personally, I'd keep an eye on 2/3 year olds wherever they are. I remember playdates / meet ups at that age... we (the other parents and I, usually mums) would just kind of move around with the kids - continuing our conversations but staying close and keeping an eye on them). So close enough to intervene if a tussle breaks out (I totally agree with the poster upthread: 2/3 year olds don't learn anything from other 2/3 year olds about how to resolve an argument: they learn from an adult intervening at the right point and talking to them about sharing, taking turns, being fair, coming to a compromise - showing them how to do it).

I hate seeing parents sit in a chair and yell at kids, especially little ones. I read on a website once about GOYB parenting - Get Off Your Butt parenting ;-) It was a clunky name, but it stuck. A lot of good parenting is about getting off your butt, not staying in your seat and yelling at your kids, or just leaving them to it.

Maybe part of it is what is motivating you? I can't say I was ever anxious about DS being on a climbing frame, or physical stuff like that. It was more that I wanted to be present to teach him how to / help him to handle tricky or new situations, and you don't get that if your sat on your arse chatting with friends.

I really think it also depends on the child you have. I try not to helicopter and I have 3 dcs and some are a bit older now so it's obvs easier. However when they were toddlers , two of mine would wander off and bolt continuously, it was actually really stressful in public places, they were not the type of kids to stay near or look for me. I remember being on sand dunes with a friend and she was more relaxed than me but I noticed her daughters didn't wander anywhere and would stay near whereas my dcs totally disappeared, I actually couldn't find my toddler for a few mins that day as he had just ran off into the sand dunes,
it was fckn horrendous. I could see how easy it was for her to relax because she has a certain type of child and they barely moved tbh. And it's nothing to do with how they are raised as I have another child who didn't wander etc so it was easier to relax. If you have kids like mine that are very physical and jump off stuff or like climbing everything it can be also stressful but I definitely let them climb and fall when small and they are now older and are really good physically and are excellent climbers and very sporty.
So it's a difficult balance but I'm not one to follow them around in an enclosed space but I would keep an eye out.

Yeah I let my 2 and 4 year olds play alone in backyard and have never hovered around any playground equipment. I have a friend who hovers constantly, never had her eyes off her two year old. I really don't think either of us are necessarily right/ wrong, we just parent the kids we have.

I think
1- there’s a big diff between 2.5 and 3, you will prob relax out as they get older
2- remember kids know their surroundings, I mean that the chid who’s house it is, and those that go their Often can run off more freely- I’m always a bit anxious with a young child in a new environment

@gemloving

I never noticed it as much but when I went to my friend's child's birthday party yesterday I noticed I am a very different kind of parent compared to everyone else. My friend and her circle are all stay at home mums that's why it was during the week.

His friend turned 3, my boy is 2 1/2. They let them all run freely and let them do as they please. If the kids had an argument they shouted from their seat etc They have a fairly big garden, a big trampoline, climbing frame with a slide etc, also here and there, the children went inside to play. Everyone was sitting down having their coffee, cake and everyone was chatting except me, I was watching my child and then almost felt silly but then didn't feel relaxed enough to not be there, especially when he's completely out of sight.

He's generally a good boy so there is nothing to worry about as such but I am always like to secure him on the climbing frame even though he doesn't need me going up.

What's your thoughts? How can I be more relaxed?

At home, we have a town house and the spare room is the playroom, so I don't mind him being up there by himself for 5-10 minutes (it's very child proofed) whilst I clear up the breakfast but generally, I like to be there.

Op I think you're fine! I was exactly the same and my kids are confident healthy little chaps. I had a couple of friends one who very very sadly experienced a fatality and another a major accident through small child accidents. They were major outliers to the normal fall-off-the-swing type accidents, granted, but being extra careful doesn't have much downside other than wondering if you're being too helicopter-ish! Which rationally speaking is a fair trade. They get through this young Phase so fast and you'll naturally become less helicopter-ish as time goes by. Don't beat yourself up about it - you're a loving parent and it's your style.

I'm a fairly relaxed parent and I like to give my daughter freedom to learn however your son isn't yet 3.

Trampolines can be dangerous especially if more than one child is on them at once. I would supervise trampoline use closely till at least age 6 then make sure they knew to only go on one kid at a time. Climbing frame and slide are ok for me if they are on a soft surface like grass or bark and if they are too small they tend not to be able to get up them anyway but I would supervise at a distance. Arguments: unless my child was being naughty I would give them a chance to resolve it themselves first.

Playing inside alone as a toddler: I would be worried about them climbing on the furniture or getting at things they shouldn't. You don't know your friend's house is as toddler safe as you like. For an older child who knows better how to keep themself safe it would be fine.

@Wjevtvha thank you!

@lannistunut good suggestion, I'll try that! I used to teach gymnastics to 3-5 year olds and I was just used to always having a hand behind them just in case, it could stem from there but not sure.

@Jasmine11 it took mine ages to even warm up, he did his own thing and my child was never part of any arguments and never really has been - lockdown prevented us from having any of this + he's a gentle natured child in general, however If my child pushed another, I would tell him that's not ok.

@BendingSpoons we're back home to see family for the first time in 8 months, all the children know the garden and each other well, so the dynamic for them was quite different. Good idea although I have started doing this as I have an 11 week old and when I go out with the two of them I choose the two play parks I feel like he can do most things on his own and I don't have to be there for everything if that makes sense? Great suggestion though!

@Cattitudes great suggestion re stepping back slowly and I do have an 11 week old as well haha so already have 2 children - just not two running around yet.

@Steelesauce no most of them have a few, he's my first but I do have an 11 week old baby and might be more relaxed when he gets older.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken it's good to know that I'm not the only one 

@workwoes123 that's how my usual play dates go but this was so different! I like your input - thank you x

@Drainedagain2 Mine runs away and bolts and thinks it's funny, when I then try to get him, he runs faster and thinks it's a game. I would honestly consider reigns once the other one walks (11 weeks old), even though I was always against them but here I am helicoptering? He's definitely physical able and I do let him climb, I'm not actually helping but just there watching just in case he does slip up. I don't watch from a distance though - I am right there and just don't know what's the right balance. @Cacacoisfarraige I feel like my previous answer also fits yours.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers thank you x

@Polkadots2021 how very sad but a good read, you're probably right. All I want to do is make sure my DS is safe. That might be one of my anxieties that something might happen and I know I'd never forgive myself. Let's see how it'll all go x

Tbh, you don't need to worry, having a second child forces you to relax once they get mobile given you can't literally be in two places at once. You don't sound too helicoptery to me, but if you are, it'll sort itself out.