Is this normal for a 3 year old? Self esteem issues already?!

[OpenTheBloodyWindow]

I have a 3 year old DD who is really emotionally aware and sensitive. She's generally a happy wee thing, if quite shy, but over the past few months I've noticed a few things

She is asking constantly if she is beautiful, if this dress makes her beautiful etc. I've answered yes she is beautiful but also tried to add that I love how kind she is, she is so strong and healthy, she is great at sharing, she's a brilliant sister, I love her for who she is etc.

When she gets (mildly) told off or thinks she is in trouble she goes off by herself very very upset. I usually leave her to it but today I could hear her berating herself saying 'I am rubbish! I am just rubbish and mummy doesn't love me!' This was because I'd just put all of the soft toys back in the basket and she'd climbed in and was launching them across the room. I had asked her to stop throwing them because it was tidy up time but didn't lose my temper or shout or anything.

If I'm a bit ticked off about anything, she'll worry herself silly that I'm angry and ask over and over if I'm still angry, if I'm happy now etc.

I've struggled a lot with self esteem, perfectionism and people pleasing throughout my life and I'd give anything for my DC to have rock solid self esteem. I'm obviously not getting it right with her though! My older DC is fine but he is much more placid in his personality.

Any words of wisdom? She's about to become a middle child as well which I don't think will help

Does she go to any childcare? Grandparents? It sounds like she's picked up some key phrases somewhere. Does she watch any specific TV shows?

She goes to nursery one day a week, and her grandparents one day a week, which has been the same since she was 1. She seems like enjoy both and is quite settled.

Shows-wise she'll watch a bit of TV but it's totally normal stuff like paw patrol etc. I can't think of anything else it could be.

She's naturally into 'girly' things, loves long dresses, glittery hairbands, plastic Frozen jewellery, princess dolls etc but my DS was the same at 3 to be honest so I just let her dress up/play with whatever she wants.

At a guess she knows at some level another baby is coming and she will no longer have as much of your attention. Another baby coming is a huge deal. The lot of a middle child is a tough one and maybe she’s intuiting that already.

There is a book called "girls can do anything" that has a kind of repititive refrain about being 'strong brave and proud' that helped my DD who sounds similar. I think her admonishing herself may be the incling of the new baby. Lots of love bombing I think will help.

Thanks. Yes it has been a useful flag that she may be struggling more than I realise with the new baby. I'll do what I can to pay her lots of special attention.

I suspect she will be very hard on herself (as I am on myself) as she gets older and I'd love her to have some tools to deal with that so I might see what I can find.

My DH has an unshakeable core of self belief and self worth and I'd love the kids to inherit that instead of the total mess that I am at times!

Would really recommend Philippa Perry’s, The book you wish your parents had read. She says we unconsciously project our internal voice, ie. your tendency to be hard on yourself, onto our kids. I’m exactly the same and my mum is too. Good luck :)

Is she copying how you self-talk? Do you, without realising, say things to yourself like '@OpenTheBloodyWindow, you stupid woman/I'm so stupid' etc. When you chat with friends at home or on the phone, are you being very self critical or self doubting? If she stays often with your parents are they either self critical or critical of her/you?

With regard to the new baby, it might be helpful to explain that the love you have for her won't get shared by anyone, it's all hers, the new baby comes with his or her own bundle of love. Silly games like giving her a big hug and saying 'Here's all mummy's love for DD, all wrapped up in a big bundle. It's all for DD. No one else is allowed any of this love it's all yours. Daddy can't have it - he has his own bundle of love from mummy. DBro can't have it. He has his own etc New baby can't have it etc. Repeat it and then go back to all the love mummy has for her. For her lovely laugh and her big strong legs etc - list the things she cares about - the pretty things and also the things you want her to care about.

Great advice thanks. I will do some reading and get some stock phrases to say to her.

She constantly asks if she's a good girl and she struggles badly with being compared against her brother (who is older, faster, stronger etc) so I will try to instil a string sense of her own worth in her.

I thought I might face these issues at 13 but not 3!

Is there a chance her grandparents could be saying things to her about being a good girl for mummy, mummy will love to see her looking beautiful, or anything like that?
With the best of intentions, they could be.

When my dd started saying these things in front of the mirror at that age I told her 'everyone looks different and every one is beautiful - we are all amazing - look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are brilliant'.
Things that help kids body image

• parents modelling positive body image (not dieting/moaning about looking awful, comparing themselves to others, hiding their body - instead complimenting themselves, taking care of their body, presenting themselves well)
• teaching them to not put all their eggs in one basket, base how they see themselves on a range of things like their values, their skills, their achievements, their relationships.
• look at them approvingly and with a smile, don't fuss over what they are wearing, criticise or angst about their choices it will make them nervous. Smile first and tell them they have a hole in their tights second (approval first, practical comment second)
• don't compare or say stupid things like 'she's inherited my thighs unfortunately'

For self esteem kids need

• a stable base and secure attachments
• space and encouragement to develop their own interests and personality not in competition with siblings (so don't pigeonhole one as he sporty/arty/musical one - these interests are for everyone to try and can participate even if not the best)
• parents to be authoritative not anxious, don't continually vocalise a negative commentary. Make the world seem exciting not unsafe.

Don’t leave her when she’s upset, just sit with her until she calms down. You don’t even have to talk. She will associate big feelings with being too much for even mummy at the moment.
Start asking her about problem solving- “oh these teddies need to go into the basket, how should we do that?”
Also, I’ve stopped telling my children how i feel about their achievements etc. (Mostly, but still slip it in occasionally). I ask them “do you feel proud of yourself?” Or “how do you feel that you put that outfit together? What made you choose those colours?” All of these things help to encourage self confidence, and stop her from looking for validation from you. I notice mine saying “I’m so proud of myself” now too.
Reward the skills- such good concentrating, well done for persevering etc, rather than “what a pretty picture”. I also say “you didn’t want that to happen” or there abouts, if there’s been an accident or something, rather than ‘oh that was silly’. Have to have a discussion afterwards too.
I obviously don’t manage this all of the time, but I am conscious of it, and I try my best!

@Dollpiglet

Does she go to any childcare? Grandparents? It sounds like she's picked up some key phrases somewhere. Does she watch any specific TV shows?

Exactly. What she's saying isn't normal for a 3yo. She's either heard it said directed to her or heard someone else say it about themselves and has normalised that sort of thinking (kids are hardwired to copy what they see/hear) and is applying it to herself.

Great advice above on how to address it.
@OpenTheBloodyWindowif she's sensitive she be very emotionally intelligent hence picks up things other kids may not notice. Also read this for some really good advice: hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-child/

Thanks for the further input.

It was really ramped up tonight, she was calling herself all sorts of names, the worst things she could think of that she was an old, old poopy pants stupid girl. She said that at preschool she was told to sit with the girls to eat her ice lolly and they didn't want to sit with her because they were much beautifuler than her so she went inside to sit herself

I know she's 3 and I have to take her storytelling with a pinch of salt but looking at what's going on beneath the words is really worrying me.

I'll do what reading I can and speak to DH to try to address it. I'm wondering about her grandparents (my parents). They are kind, gentle and loving but I can imagine them praising her a lot for prettiness etc. And I obviously have a very critical inner voice and was absolutely miserable and hated myself as a child.

I'm determined to do what I can to help her avoid some of the insecurities that have plagued me!

Thanks again - appreciate the input.

Have a talk with the nursery too, to see if they've noticed anything.

I don’t think it helps to say she is beautiful, kind, healthy, strong etc. They are very static things. Talk about things she does, not things she is (or things you think she is). Google developing a growth mindset.

@OpenTheBloodyWindow

Thanks for the further input.

It was really ramped up tonight, she was calling herself all sorts of names, the worst things she could think of that she was an old, old poopy pants stupid girl. She said that at preschool she was told to sit with the girls to eat her ice lolly and they didn't want to sit with her because they were much beautifuler than her so she went inside to sit herself

I know she's 3 and I have to take her storytelling with a pinch of salt but looking at what's going on beneath the words is really worrying me.

I'll do what reading I can and speak to DH to try to address it. I'm wondering about her grandparents (my parents). They are kind, gentle and loving but I can imagine them praising her a lot for prettiness etc. And I obviously have a very critical inner voice and was absolutely miserable and hated myself as a child.

I'm determined to do what I can to help her avoid some of the insecurities that have plagued me!

Thanks again - appreciate the input.

@OpenTheBloodyWindowDefinitely sounds like it's coming from her nursery then , they're bullying her (obviously not fully intentionally since they're kids). Her words and how she's internalised them are really concerning. To be honest I'd look to move nursery ASAP. It's simply not worth a child being damaged in this way. Any good you do will be counteracted by her peers.

Continual bad experiences early in childhood like this are linked to low self esteem later in life which leads to all sorts of pervasive problems
Often the person doesn't remember the experiences as they were so young but they have a devasting impact regardless. The first 5 years of life are particularly crucial since they come at a critical stage of brain and psyche development.

I'll speak to nursery. She goes to a private nursery at the moment and although the staff is lovely, it is a bit like crowd control. In August she starts at the local school nursery, which is much better quality and I'll speak to them as well. They will take what I say seriously I think.

I'm worried as I see a lot of myself in her - fairly reserved and desperate to be a 'good girl', very hard on herself and wanting things to be perfect. I grew up doing everything to be 'good' in order to be loved and I really want to break that cycle with my children so they have a happier inner life than I have had.

Is she still conscious by 3 year old is too, I put a random blanket over the buggy when we went out and he said people will look at him

Would love to get an update from you. I have a very similar three year old now (2025) and I am feeling exactly the same way. I could have written this post myself! I would love to know how you guys are doing four years later!

Hi

Well that 3 year old is now 7! And the impending arrival is now 3. Yikes.

7 year old is ok, I think a little happier in herself. She is very, very dreamy and wired to the moon. She needs a lot of prompting to get anything done. She is still quite focused on looks - very into fashion, clothes, hair, and was asking just this morning if she was chubby or skinny... (She's extremely skinny). I don't know where it comes from, not us hopefully, but we do try to steer it towards a health/happiness type of direction.

She's still hard on herself and takes things to heart. That said, she does dance, drama etc and seems to enjoy it. We've learned to let her do things in her own time when she feels ready. She needs to observe until she is comfortable.

She is a complete joy to be around most of the time but can be sensitive and highly strung at times. We just try to keep a positive 'internal track' for her to learn about herself and others, keep her confident and secure and hopefully her self esteem will keep growing.

It's really hard. My 3rd child is totally different again and challenges me in totally different ways. Juggling the three of them and their needs is definitely difficult at times but I also love how unique they all are.