Struggling

[PumpkinKlNG]

I have 4 children, 10 (with asd) 9 7 and 4, their “father” left me when I was pregnant with the youngest and hasn’t bothered with them since, he’s seen them about 4 time’s in 4 years and the last time we spoke he told me he didn’t want to see them again and to not contact him again. I’m really struggling on my own with 4, the house is always a tip as I can’t keep up with them, if I’m not supervising them constantly they will just trash it. I have mountains of washing daily that I can never get through and I’m exhausted I can barely open my eyes in the morning as the oldest doesn’t sleep till early hours. I never get a break as family aren’t interested in helping (which is fair enough) but I’m really at breaking point. What help is there out there if anything? Not ss please, they’ve been involved before due to their father and I found them anything but supportive, very much the opposite. What do other parents do if they are struggling?

Have you tried SureStart? Take a look at their website. Hope things improve for you soon x

Sounds so tough, but you’re doing amazingly holding it all together.

It might be worth speaking to your GP about whether they can signpost you in the direction of some support.

Do you have any friends you could ask for help? We often feel embarrassed to let other people know when we aren’t coping but hand on heart I can say that if any one of my friends said they needed a break and asked me to step in I would without hesitation.

Does your son with ASD qualify for any respite care or anything like that?

Is there anything in the budget for a cleaner? If not, don’t worry. Mess is morally neutral and not dangerous. If you can cover the minimum (clean clothes, basic hygiene) then that’s absolutely fine. You don’t need to do any more than that. The three eldest children can certainly have regular chores to help you (depending on the coping skills of the eldest). Start getting them on board with regular chores (sorting their own laundry, stacking the dishwasher, sweeping up etc).

Is your ex paying maintenance? If not, pursue a claim through CMS. Even if he’s a deadbeat who walked out on his kids he still has a legal duty to pay for them.

At 9 and 7 , your middle two are more than old enough to start cleaning up whatever they wreck and to help with some household jobs. You can't do everything alone and the younger you get your kids involved in helping out the better.

Homestart might be able to help, sadly I can't think of much else.

Are you claiming everything you can? That might be worth checking.

Have you contacted your health visitor, or Gingerbread the single parent charity? I've found them useful in putting Me in touch with other agencies. I only have 2 kids, one 6 years one 6 months and I'm tired, that's with their dad taking them for a few hours a week. As above, as long as everyone is in clean clothes, clean beds and fed, everything else can wait. Hang in there xx

Routines and pick your battles.
Can you have a chore / job board linked to pocket money? Apps like go Henry can be fun.
Washing- everyone has a basket in their room, which needs to be brought to the machine on certain days. The older ones are capable of sorting socks etc when dry.
Have you got something like alexa? Set a timer for 5/10 minutes before tea/ at a particular time. Everyone has to contribute to tidying at this time. Getting stuff back to close to where it needs to be will help you.

Have a day a week where everyone has ready meal/ take away/ something really simple. Give yourself this night ‘off’.
Will your oldest watch iPad/ tablet in bed? If he co sleeps or needs you to fall asleep, giving him this might let you sleep whilst he is busy.

Sounds crushingly tiring. I only have 1 and it’s enough of a battle.

I'd also post on the SN Board, if you haven't already, about your eldest and his sleep. Some of the MNers in there might be able to help