Coping with two

[user1469345586]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I also have a 4 year old. I’m struggling to understand how I can look after them both on my own! My husband is currently on paternity leave and helping as much as he can but he has cancer (diagnosed when I was 7 months pregnant) and when the baby is 6 weeks is going to be in hospital for at least a month for treatment. I know lots of people must cope on their own but how do you keep one eye on the baby & play? So far I’m failing without the help of the tv. Before the baby arrived we spent most of our free time out at parks/beaches etc - is it unrealistic to think I will be able to do that alone this summer? My worry about my husband & how I’m going to cope all feel a bit much at the moment…

6 weeks old is the famous point where a routine forms! I have found looking after my second far easier as my eldest keeps her entertained just running around. Baby will get used to napping in chaos too.

Will you have anyone to help with bedtime? That's what I'm not sure how to crack!

I’m sorry about your husband but it will be ok with your 4 year and baby and you’ll get through it. Some days with a new born and 3 year old I just felt like if we got to the end of the day with everyone fed and safe then it was a success and on other days I felt up to doing more. It does get easier over time; your baby is still so tiny but I think from 6 weeks onwards I felt more on top of things. In the early weeks the sling was my best thing for getting me, baby DS and DD out.

Don't have personal experience but friends had a 3.5 year old and a newborn and I would help them out. First off advice would be lower your expectations to the ground: extra jobs getting done like cooking meals in advance, cleaning, etc not likely to get done. Outsource what you can (cleaner? COOK ready meals? takeaways?) and accept any help that is available whether that's someone coming to hold the baby for a bit or helping stick a load of laundry on for you and doing some washing up.

The four year old will need to learn patience, they can't have your attention all the time and not everything they want can be done now now now. Equally the baby will hopefully start off fairly adaptable - they should adjust around you more than a firstborn, usually, that's just the way of the world. Second borns don't only get to sleep in perfectly quiet houses with white noise and blackout blinds!

If the baby is happy in the sling, great. Then they're basically portable. Why not get out and about, shouldn't be that much different to before except hotter lugging them around attached to you! Gets more of a challenge when it's juggling a 4/5 year old with a toddler tbh.

I won’t have any help for bedtime but this worries me less than the days (perhaps wrongly!)

Sorry to hear about your husband.

Sling for baby, mine lived in it for the first 4 months. I wouldn't stress about any sort of routine for the baby, just feed when they need feeding and bedtimes are nonexistent for new babies anyway! My second just slotted in and enjoyed things like the pram and the bouncy chair far more than my eldest did.

I'd do a bit of prep now if you can (or ask someone to help) to stock up on easy to grab lunches and dinners. In daytime's, I try to get out first thing and go and have a couple of hours at the park/beach, especially when it's hot like at the moment. Bag packed at all times so you're ready to grab and go. Just stick to basic play (so nothing massive to clear up) to help you. Get your older one involved in as many jobs as possible. I've always got stuff in for baking (even if it's just a box mix), sticker books, playdough and craft stuff so if we're really at a loose end or the weather's crap I've got something to pull out and do.

And don't forget, you put your oxygen mask on first. It's fine to put a film on and sit on the sofa eating chocolate and drinking tea.

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through.

I’d echo all the suggestions on this thread. Lower your standards, relax on screen time etc. The sling will be a godsend because to a large extent you can get out and about doing four year old stuff.

I’d also invest in some toys/craft stuff that your four year old can genuinely get absorbed in on their own. Play dough/kinetic sand, etc. These worked really well with my DD www.hobbycraft.co.uk/galt-mega-mosaics/646568-1000.

Check out bloggers Five Minute Mum and Play Hooray for quick play ideas for the four year old.

When I was having a tough time last year, I instituted ‘quiet time’ when my DD could have iPad for an hour (don’t judge me!) which just gave me a breather.

Might also be worth getting some egg timers for your four year old to help them learn to wait if you’re looking after baby - that’s the biggest challenge I find with mine.

Best of luck.

I had a newborn and a 4.5yo. The eldest was a brilliant helper. I was sad that I had to have this much age gap (4 MCs between the two of them) but actually it's been a godsend.

I wore DS a lot and he was in the pram or car sear a lot, I BFed him whilst putting her to bed too, it all just kind of worked out. Just about.

If you have a sling or carrier it might feel hot (and maybe don't sling too much over this sort of heat) but it's a lot easier to get stuff done and have baby sleep while you enjoy things with your eldest.

Good luck. An older sibling can be a life saver.

You will be fine, if it’s any help I had a new born, a 3 year old, a 5 year old and a 6 year old with asd, I was on my own from the beginning with my youngest as my ex left me when pregnant, you just kind of cope really, you will be fine

So sorry about your husband, sounds like such a tough time for you all.

I had 2 under 2 (eldest just over 2 now) and I worried about coping on my own too. First thing I found the most helpful was to get dressed the second I got up and ideally a few minutes before baby wakes. That way I was ready to leave the house if I needed to and I felt put together.

Cook everything in the slow cooker if you can (fajitas with pre chopped chicken & veg, meatballs & spaghetti, chilli, soups etc) so toddler can have dinner even if you’re tied up with baby and you can eat later. Might sound mad but I used to write down in my phone what I was going to do for meals/snacks the next day so I could just look at it in the morning and not need to waste time thinking!

Obviously accept help if that’s available to you, I never had any so was very organised. I used to put newborn in the sling while toddler walked and use double buggy for them now when we go out. It really breaks up the day if the baby is happy to get out.

I had a similar age gap with my 2 boys. Luckily the baby liked his sleep and would have slept all afternoon if he could and was asleep at 8 pm every night. The eldest went to nursery in the mornings, so when he came home baby would be asleep so we could do things together. When he hasn’t at nursery, we would go shopping and have something to eat at a cafe, go on walks to the park. Sorry to hear about your husband. Do you have any help from parents or in-laws.

I’m very sorry about your husband.

I have a 3.9 yo and a 7 week old. I echo what others have said: organisation is key, spend any downtime you have getting things organised (meal prep, restocking changing bag, setting up activities etc.) and don’t stress about screen time. I am home alone a lot with both of mine and the tv is on far more than I’d like, but it won’t be forever. Yesterday DS1 had preschool in the morning, then spent a bit of time in the paddling pool in the afternoon and the rest of the time watching tv while I was stuck under my Velcro baby.

Is your eldest in any sort of childcare? And will they start school in September? Wishing you luck, you’ll be fine, things will be ok because they have to be ok x

Oh also I know they’re evil but Amazon prime is your best friend. Most toddler/baby essentials can be delivered next day and in our area Morrison’s deliver groceries same day through prime. It’s honestly been a lifesaver for me.

My DD was 4 when my twins were born - lots of colouring in, walks, "helping" at the shops, but she is very good at independent play and would take herself off and play with her dolls whilst I was busy with the babies

It’s a really good point about Morrison and Prime.

Where I live, you can get groceries via Deliveroo in 20 minutes and there are of course all these new services now like Getir or whatever it’s called. A lifesaver when you’re on your own and you need milk, bread etc, because it’s such a mission to get small kids out of the house!