Would you have a second child if you were me?

[silverhat]

DH and I only ever wanted one child, as it just seemed right for us and our dynamic. I was over the moon when I got pregnant at 32, had an easy pregnancy but a terrible birth, in which I ended up in ICU and nearly died. It was extremely traumatic and scary for all of us, including DH and our families.

However, now our wonderful DS is two years old and I can’t help feeling a little pang of “what if” whenever I hear that a friend is pregnant - or even when friends who aren’t pregnant talk about planning their second child.

Would you consider having a second child if you were me? Or is it just too scary and selfish to put DH, DS, our families and myself through that ordeal again?

I really dislike the physical ordeal of being pregnant, feel daunted by the thought of the newborn months and worry about the impact a second child would have on me and DH’s relationship. Most of all though I fear that I could have a similar birth experience to last time - or even worse!

On the other hand, I would love to give DS a sibling and can’t help thinking what if…!

Could you arrange to talk to a consultant? You could request an elective section. I had two on consultant advice. The second was a dream.

I would talk to your dp, and perhaps have a debrief with your maternity notes if they're doing that at the moment. Tbh it's your dp who needs to be on board.

I feel both huge regret and huge relief we only have one. The regret is probably slightly bigger but it varies day to day. In the end I don't think we could have coped with two. My dh took his own life and maybe it would have happened earlier with two??

The only thing I would say is if you go ahead, don't be so sure it will be bad that you don't ask for help. I've known a couple of marriages really struggle in the first year with a second child, and one ended, which my friend thought might have lasted longer if she'd admitted they weren't coping and went to her doctor.

No I wouldn't. I think it's a hormonal thing. Nature's way of keeping you in that baby making phase. I felt 'sad' until my youngest was about three and a half and then I felt, ok, a little bit more freedom with every passing year!

A friend of mine had a similar experience in childbirth and chose not to have more children after her first.
Its really your decision completely- if you chose not to it's a totally valid decision. I have an only child and I think dd is totally well adjusted (however I'm biased).

I agree with @bookh - can you get a medical opinion on what went wrong during the birth, what are the chances of it happening again, can anything be done to dramatically reduce risks, etc?

I think everyone worries about how a second will alter your relationship with your first. I remember gazing at my nearly two year old fast asleep, when heavily pregnant with my second, and wondering how I could do this to him! I couldn't imagine loving the second as much as him.

But the second arrived, I grew to love him just as much, and I'm glad they have each other 😊

I pretty much did. Horrible first pregnancy with hg and then spd. Post birth ended up with sepsis and icu, gained a heart murmur (thankfully resolved)

I always wanted more than one. I spoke to the midwife before I was signed off and she reassured me that what happen was just one of those things that can happen but wasn't more likely to happen again if I were to have another.

Can you have a discussion with medical professionals on what went wrong and the likelihood of it happening again?

I have a 2 year gap between dc1 and 2. Second pregnancy was much easier though did get spd again and the birth was textbook.

Second time round you know a bit more about what you're letting yourself in for so it's natural to be less innocent and excited about the whole thing!

If birth is the biggest thing, you could try to find out more about what happened to you and the chances of it recurring, what could be done to prevent it eg c section, birthing in a consultant unit. You don't give details but some birth complications are likely to recur, some are unlucky freaks.

In terms of your relationship with DH, only you know really! In some ways I've found having 2dc easier because it's less intense, you can't get cornered by one child and have to do what they ask or else think of a reason not to. I bounce my attention between DC and it's less monotonous than being with just one.

A large part of this is dependent on what kind of baby you get, it's always a wild card and some babies will be sweet things who sleep well and get on with siblings, some won't! I found my second baby easier because I knew about babies, there's much less panic and googling involved!

I think there's a lot you could do to address anxieties around birth, in terms of your overall dynamic it's always going to be a gamble! I wouldn't be without dc2 and I think it's a big help to have siblings once parents get older etc.

I’ve spoken to consultants and have been told it might happen again, it might not - there’s no way of knowing until I give birth. DH is against the idea as he says it’s too risky, and if things were to go wrong again, worst case scenario DS could be left without a mother.

@PermanentTemporary I’m so sorry

For me, there are so many positives to just having one child that I wouldn't do it. Plus the environmental devastation we are heading towards means the world will be a very different place for our children when they're adults and overpopulation is a huge contributing factor. There will always be a 'what if' but the lifelong implication of creating another human, the upheaval, the cost, the impact on your life, the need for more space, more objects in your house...Your initial intuitive decision was a good one!

Why wouldn’t you just have a planned c section?

I had an elective section for my second because of a traumatic first delivery. There was no way I was putting myself (or DH) through labour and the risk of some thing going wrong again. I knew I'd be terrified the whole time. I think having a positive experience second time round helped with the trauma from the first. The recovery was much better too.

My second is an absolute joy and I'm so pleased we decided to try for another but it's obviously a gamble.

I went on to have a 2nd after a horrible experience 1st time which was very similar to what you described OP. Don’t regret it for a moment. Had an elective section because it was strongly advised due to my previous birth, and it was a great experience. But in my case we always planned for 2, and I think that’s the thing here. If you planned 1 only, I think my advice would be to stick to that.

Honestly, no I wouldn't.

Mainly because you could do it, and still have that 'pang' when friends get pregnant.

You may have done this and that feeling hasn't gone away.

My mum still gets it in her 60s.

For me, this would be a huge risk. But we are all different and have to make our decisions. My opinion is only right for me.

It depends, I’d say talk to your husband about it and get his opinion, but for me I’d say if you’re ready for it you should go for it! And maybe ask your doctor.
I wish your the best, and if you do end up deciding to have another one I hope all goes well!

I had a very traumatic birth and pregnancy; in and out of hospital during pregnancy and we were lucky that DD and I were ok after. For the first year I felt like I’d just have one then started thinking I wanted another as I’d always imagined 2 and it become such a strong urge that I’m not even sure it was a logical decision as I just wanted another so much. I was told a similar thing could happen again or that it could be fine as every pregnancy is different.
My second is now a year old and I’m so glad we decided to have him; I was lucky enough that my pregnancy with him was straight forwards (apart from huge anxiety from me) and he arrived safely via a planned c section.
It’s a little different to you as like I say I had always imagined at least two DC and that’s how I pictured my life. I had in the past said I’d like 3 and there are several reasons why we won’t (money, career, me time etc) but I have also decided that I’ve been lucky enough with DS to have a straightforward pregnancy after such a risky first one that I won’t be pushing my luck

I had a traumatic first birth & two hyperemesis pregnancies. I won’t lie, the second one was very tough with a toddler in the mix. But my OH was beyond supportive & we muddled through. My second is a joy & I’ll be forever grateful we went for it..

I was meant to have a planned section due to the previous trauma but DD had other ideas & flew out with not even a tear in 3 hours! I was in a bit of shock after the birth as it was so different & unexpected (in the best way). I couldn’t believe my baby was here so quickly & no drama. Afterwards, I sat eating mini eggs, breastfeeding at 3am in a quiet, zen room! Previously I was haemorrhaging, rushed to theatre, knocked out, didn’t get to hold or really see DD1..

I’ve always wanted more than one.. I’m an only child & I wish I wasn’t. I had a happy childhood but I longed for a sibling & felt envious of those with bigger families. I still feel that now as an adult. I wish it wasn’t just me looking after my parents. I wish I had a sibling to share the load. My OH has a big family & I love it.. they are the best of friends as siblings, it’s nice..

Not if I had been through what you had, it sounds horrendous. Of course a second birth may be easier but is it worth taking the risk?

You have a lovely child and that is something for which to be thankful. He'll be fine as a only, as long as he has plenty of friends whom you make welcome, and good, fun parents.

Of course it is up to you and maybe worth talking to a medic about it but why rock the boat when life is good as it is.