Please help, I am destroying my boy

[TheWorstMumofAll]

I am a bad mum. I have been thinking long and hard, and I am in tears at the discovery that I am slowly destroying my own son.

I am a coldhearted destructive mum. I am full of love for him, I want all the best for him, but at any sign of trouble I turn into an utter bitch. My behaviour towards him is obscene.

We start out doing homework, and he does not understand, and I get frustrated, and off I go. I tell him I am disappointed, that surely he must understand this? His eyes are full of sorrow, but I dont stop at that, oh, now, through share frustration at not being able to explain it to him so he understands, and with him for not being able to grasp it, I call him stupid. Luckily I manage to catch myself and stop any further homework attempts when we get to that point.

Why can I not be nice and understanding, and nurturing? I am a good mum in all other instances. I am good when we do reading, and literacy, but not maths.

Why can I not coach him through it without losing it with him?
Maybe I should let my husband do maths homework?

My entire child hood I was told I was worthless, and ugly, and stupid, a Devils child. My mum would rant and rave at me, she would pounce through the house, I used to be so scared and hide in my room.
There were different kinds of punishments in my house depending on how mad she was. Bedpunishment, I had to stay in bed and not come out for an hour or so. Outdoor punishment, I had to stay outside of the house, in the garden (whatever the weather) for an hour or so. Or indoor punishment, I was refused to go out for a whole day, and friends would be turned away. I really dont think I used to be that bad....
She also kept a one meter long twig from a beerch three in the cupboard and chase me around the house with it, and beat me across my bare bottom.

It is not an excuse I know. I dont have coping skills. I feel frustrated and confused and dont know how to handle it when my son cant understand his homework.

I have never exercised any of those punishments on him. I am a loving and caring mum, BUT I cannot handle seeing him unable to understand maths concepts.

Now that I have written it all down, I hope I can manage to start afresh. STOP my behaviour while he still have some confidence left in his young body.

Now, please feel free to shout abuse at me. I deserve it more than anybody.

I think you have answered your post - get your husband to help with maths.

If you know Maths triggers you into being like this, you really need to get your DH to do it until you manage to control yourself.

I'm no expert but you also sound very sad and depressed, have you seen a doctor/counsellor?

Oh, poor you - and poor DS, but you will get to grips with this, and he will be ok.

Does the maths homework make you panic, and feel out of control, and bring all the old stuff flooding back? It sounds as if you are panicking or something?

It sounds as if it all stmes ffrom your own dificulty to understand it, and then maybe you are somehow blaming him for the panic you feel at not being able to get it right...and the way that not getting it right is connected to your own childhood and what 'getting it wrong' meant.

You were treated so badly as a child - you are clearly being a much better parents to your little boy....you will find a way to get to the bottom of this lack of patience you feel.

But don't feel alone- I sometimes find a geyser of frustration and impatience is rising up in me...but I quickly tell myself that that is me, not DS.

Would it also help if you say sorry to him as well.

I am not going to shout at you, you are beating yourself up, you remember how it was with your Mum, so go tell him you are very sorry and that you mean this and that he is NOT stupid, maybe he just needs a different approach. Remind yourself and him what he is good at, what makes him so special to you, who does love, care for him.

Not sure how old he is, but you recognise the damage you could/are doing, so turn it around like you want to.

Don't do any maths homework with him, explain that this is because you are crap at keeping your temper about it and not because of him, apologise for your behavior, and let his dad do it.

At least you recognise when you are losing it - it is better, though, to do no homework at all than to feel stupid because your mum can't help you ... I'm sure you know this.

I would seriously suggest you get some councelling to deal with your feelings of worthlessness.

You are not (as I suspect you feel) failing because you cannot make him understand his homework ... I also suspect that you are angry with him because you are frustrated and a little frightened at the strength of your feelings. I think you need to learn to seperate yourself from him a little - you feel like a failure because you were always told you were, but you are not, and just because he is struggling doesn't make him a failure, and doesn't make you a failure either.

You don't deserve to have abuse shouted at youi, nobody deserves to have abuse shouted at them when they are clearly trying, but you cannot do everything, and if homework is the one thing you cannot handle, so be it. It doesn't matter enough to be worth upsetting you both over ... very little matters that much.

I did have major problems with mathematics as a child. One of my teachers told me she suspected I was quite good in maths, but I seemed to have a mental block believing I could not do it.

My sons teacher tells me he is good in maths. I presume that as they are giving individual homework they are giving things to challenge him (and me).

I really need to stop doing maths homework now that i have discovered what the trigger is.

I guess the memories are welling up today as it is my mums birthday.

I love my mum, from teenage years onwards we had a very good relationship. She was very depressed when I was young.

Let your DH do the maths. Sorted.

And I'd agree that you might get some benefit from seeing a counsellor. You're not a horrible person, you realise what you're doing, now you just need to find out how not to do it. Short term, avoidance of the trigger is fine. Long term, you might want the option of not having to avoid the trigger.

Some people understand maths, some people don't.

Some can explain maths, some struggle to make it "understandable"

It is not a failure if you cannot teach your son maths.

Get his Dad to take over the maths.

And do not worry, you are obviously a super mum. If you were a shite mum then you would not be upset about this, you would be oblivious to his suffering, as your mum was to yours.

and that you were treated like that by your mum. Do you have contact with your mum at the moment?

I did apologise to him before bedtime. I told him I was very sorry for saying such horrible and nasty things to him. He is not stupid, he is very clever, and if he ever hears me tell him again that he is stupid he should say "but mummy you promised" and I shall work very hard on not saying such things. He said it was ok, bless his little socks. He is just 5. Now I just have to stick to it...

Thanks guys.

worse mum

i think you need to get some counselling for the bad childhood you had

i think you will be a good mum as you can see where you are going wrong

when you apologised to your little boy did you tell him, how much you love and vaule him?

hope so

Yes I did tell him that I love him so much, and I am so happy that I have him, because he is such a wonderful boy.

oh thats good

do you think counslling would help you?

Sometimes i behave like you with my DDs and my childhood was happy on the whole so ive even less of an 'excuse'. I understand how you feel and how it spirals out of control, often just when you are trying your hardest to be 'a good mother'. I think some counselling would help.
Am a bit that he's getting maths homework at 5 yo tho'...

goodluck wm
you know all the answers as you hav been there yourself just count to ten and think how you would like to be treatd if you where the child

get your dh to the maths with him

and seek some help for yourself you dont want to be repeating this patter for generations to come

Worsemum, you've already started to deal with this problem so give yourself a break! And change your name - you are NOT the worst mum in the world. You are someone who had a very troubled childhood and who is doing their damnedest to be a good mother to her own ds.

And then think very seriously about counselling or therapy to help you deal with your own childhood - might stop you getting to any more trigger points before they happen.

No I dont want to repeat this pattern, I dont want to inflict it upon my son, I dont want him to be scarred and inflict it upon other loved ones in the future.

HOw would I go about getting councelling? My Gp?

yes gp you could get it free then

also have you heard of a book calld toxic parents? sounds like your mum was one of these ?
has alot of good info for getting over this type of bad childhood

it takes alot to want to change things so well done

you are not a toxic parent before you think thats what im saying

as toxic parents never admit to there mistakes

You sound like a pretty good mum to me and I don't think people are being very sympathetic. In fact I think there's a bit too much piety here and you are analysing things wrongly. Unless I didn't understand your post what you are getting really really really upset over is losing your temper over maths homework and saying something you shouldn't. Plus you've addressed the issue with an apology to your son. Well if no one else is going to say it, I am -- I've said things I shouldn't to my children, and I've had to apologise for them, and I bet many, many mnetters have to. You sound like you've done remarkably well considering your extremely distorted childhood. Maybe you could talk to someone professional about that as it does sound rather abusive.

posted too late..
I agree I think your GP would be the first stop

how do you get on with your own mum now?

It's not piety Tovik, it's realism. And God knows I've said some bloody horrible things to ds1, especially when he was 3, but just because evrrtyone does it doesn't make it ok.

I think when you are worried about something you do need reassurance that there are things you cqan do to help fix it.

If I was being pious I'd have said "you dreadful woman, wake him immediately, make him watch you stick forks in your legs, then commit HariKari. Neatly."

Or some such

It's awful, isn't it, that look on their face, and you play back what you've just said and you realise how awful it sounds!

Yes Colditz. My mind is on a playback loop now.

My relationship is ok with my mum now. Though she is unable to look back at my childhood and talk about it. I am too. It is just buried inside me. And most of the time I manage to surpress, and I am sometimes so scared that a time shall come that I actually let it all out, rather than little bits of memory pieces. Which is why I may never have strength to go for councelling.

TWMA

You are certainly not the only mum who shouts in frustration at their child...I'm not sure therapy is quite the answer here. Probably slightly overrated in this case?

I know loadsa mums who find themselves getting cross because ds can't /won't do something that seems no problem to me. e.g. piano playing, homework or even eating without knocking his glass over!! But I think that's natural when you want you want the best for your child.

Bite your lip say sorry and try harder next time...don't beat yourself up about it, that will just increase your feelings of inadequacy. YOU ARE A GREAT AND NORMAL MUM!!!
We aren't all destined to follow in our mum's footsteps, in fact it might her extreme behaviour might give you more of an incentive to be a good mum