Should I let FIL pay for nursery?

[SassyPants87]

Firstly I know I'm in a really fortunate and privileged position that my FIL wants to pay for DD's nursery. It would help us out so much financially!

Only thing is I feel like he'll think he has more of a day or want to get involved in things more when it comes to DD

At the moment he always turns up to the house unannounced to come and play with the baby, which is sweet that he wants to play with her but so annoying for us! We've asked him it's no problem for him to come over but just ask us before hand so we can tell him when to come. One time me and hubby were about to have a quickie whilst baby napped and then couldn't because his dad turned up!

He's also now taken charge of DD's first birthday party and all the things that I wanted to do he's kind of diminished! I've been quite firm with him about the things I want but then I've found out he's just gone and done the totally opposite!

I feel like if we let him pay for nursery he'll feel like he can do what he wants. But then paying the nursery fees is also a big deal. What should I do mums!?

Is he lonely, at home all day? Was he involved with his own son? He is probably trying to be kind and helpful so just start with small boundaries but dont shut him out.

He’s already taking over. I wouldn’t let him pay.

He's taking over already and there's no way on earth I'd let someone push me aside for my child's first birthday! Why are you and your DH allowing this?
Forgetting the nursery fees for a moment, I think you all need to sit down and have a frank discussion re boundaries and expectations.

Maybe you can host your own 1st birthday & he can do a small paryy? Some grandparents like to be involved & tbh its usually the nans that interfere!

I wouldn't accept his money. It comes with strings.
You need to set boundaries and you can't do that with your hand out.

Nope. I learned the hard way that money tends to come with strings, and that’s a nightmare.

I think letting him pay for nursery will further blur the boundaries between parenting and grand parenting, and I’d politely decline on that basis… but you have to do what feels right for you. Just think it all through.

What does your partner think?

Eh, take the money and if he’s still overbearing in future tell him so. If he brings up the money then be prepared to pay him
back. Sounds like he’s up in your shit now anyway so what’s the difference?

He is lonely. Even though he lives with MIL she doesn't like going anywhere, doing anything, talking to anyone. FIL has been retired since mid 40s so when we announced we were pregnant it's almost as though he felt he had a purpose. Which honestly is so lovely! He never got to be around seeing his kids grow up because he was always working so I guess now he feels he wants to be a part of DD's life.

Boundaries have definitely been crossed already so a part of me is like well what difference will it make now. I also don't want to ruin any relationships as hubby has a fab one with his dad and is happy to take the money. I just know how money can complicate things

Maybe we just accept and if things become to much we'll have to say something and stop taking the payments from him