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Original poster

Am I asking too much? (SAHM)

25 replies

EllieElephant25 · 15/07/2021 17:45

Hi there, I am a SAHM of a 8 month old. My partner does earn the money. Am I wrong to thinking I shouldn’t be doing all of the house work. Yes, some days he does get home late, and I wouldnt expect him to do anything. Even when he is home at 4:30- 5pm the most he does is cook or wash up. I either do one or the other, bath, feed and put baby to bed. Also btw my little girl is in the clingy stage so I’m the only one she lets put her to bed. In that’s time he’s just sits on the sofa doing nothing and it can take me a good hour to hour half to get her to sleep. After then I wash bottles, do washing etc as he has a shower or whatever he wants to do. I haven’t showered in 3 days but he never offers to do the housework. Is this norm?

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mindutopia · 15/07/2021 18:01

I think it may unfortunately be typical for a lot of people, but no, I don't think it's normal. Dh and I both work, but when I was on mat leave or at home more than him, I did what I could during the day, but then when he was home it was 50/50. No one sat around while the other did everything.

It's tricky if you are the only one who can do bedtime right now, but there is no reason he can't do bath time and get dd dressed and wash up the bottles/whatever other tasks while you do bedtime. I almost never did dd's bath time as it was dh's thing and actually didn't even know how to give her a bath as I'd hardly ever done it until she was a toddler!

As for a shower, can you not have a shower in the evening? Or go have one while he's doing her bath? Or get up in the morning before he goes to work and have a shower while he gets her up and ready for the day. If she's bottle fed, he can do lots while you have time to yourself.

Original poster

EllieElephant25 · 15/07/2021 18:10

She also refuses to take a bottle from anyone, I think this is due to the lack of effort he put into bonding with her. I guess I could get up before he goes to work but he leaves at 6:30 and also showers in the morning. It’s just annoying and when I say anything he makes the comment of “I’ve been at work all day”

OP posts:

Katefoster · 15/07/2021 18:26

Instead of washing the bottles etc why can't you just go for a shower?

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Chelyanne · 15/07/2021 18:31

Yep, totally normal imo.

My husband goes out to work, spends long stints away from home. When he is home I don't expect him to help that much and we have 5 kids and another due next month. He will happily do the morning school runs if he's home and some bath/bed times. He doesn't clean but how he does really drives me insane so I'd rather he didn't anyway, OCD so I like things done my way and he takes full advantage of that. He will crack on doing any repair work on the cars which I've not a scooby about. He will empty the bins although our ideas of a "full" bin differ wildly.
The younger of our twins wouldn't take a feed from anyone but me if I was there, if I'd been gone for a while she would though. I used to take our kids in the bathroom with me in their bouncers or jump in the shower once they were down for a nap.

starfishmummy · 15/07/2021 18:33

I think both of you are bu. He could do more but I don't understand why you cant find time to shower and why you dont relax more in the evenings after she is in bed and surely there's time for both of you to have showers in the evening?

Roomonb · 15/07/2021 18:37

No, we have a no-ones done till everyone is done policy. My DD needs me to settle her so my Dh usually tidies up while I get in the shower after putting her down. That way whatever time is left in the evening we can spend togetehr.

Coolhand2 · 15/07/2021 18:46

I think work more on communicating with him what you want. Tell him, you plan to shower after you put the baby down and if he could do dishes or this and that. I find some men really needs to be reminded.

quizqueen · 15/07/2021 18:50

Your job is looking after the baby and home while he is at work,. When he is home, it's everyone job to look after the baby and the house. He doesn't get to work 8/10 hours and you work 24.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/07/2021 18:50

Even if dc are clingy it doesn't hurt them to be with their other parent even if they scream their heads off. You need a shower and your Dh needs to work out how to console his child.

UserAtLarge · 15/07/2021 18:53

I think it depends how well your baby sleeps. If you're up half the night, you'll be exhausted. If she sleeps well, then I'd expect you to do most of the housework - how much housework does 2 adults and a baby generate? I'd encourage your DP to spend more time with the baby- maybe doing bathtime and bedtime while you do any necessary household bits?
And you should share incidental household jobs at weekends.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/07/2021 18:57

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Even if dc are clingy it doesn't hurt them to be with their other parent even if they scream their heads off. You need a shower and your Dh needs to work out how to console his child.

Totally agree with this. If you were hospitalised tonight for whatever reason he would have to do it. He doesn't because you do it and he needs to learn.

Maybe he needs to take a few days off work and spend time bonding with his child. Do you think he sees your maternity leave as holiday because he doesn't view looking after a baby as work? Your body is still recovering from growing that baby.

And yes there will always be someone who tells you they had triplets, did all the house stuff, wrote a novel and still found time to take an art class. Child rearing is tiring, relentless, repetitive and he needs to take on some of the chores, whether that is the baby or the housework. You should have equal down time.

Why do you think it takes so long to settle your DD at night?

Ldnmum7 · 15/07/2021 18:58

Yes he needs to help more. You also need to find time to shower. Stick your baby in a bouncer or on a mat on the floor of your bathroom with some toys and get washed.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/07/2021 18:59

not normal.
and certainly not fair, loving or involved.

he does 8 hours of work, you do 8 hours of childcare/housework.
you share the rest!!!

rubbletrouble · 15/07/2021 19:04

It's tough (and sad) if he doesn't want to help out. The on,y thing that matters is if you are unhappy with his contribution. Everyone has different expectations but it needs to be right for you.

I chose to be a SAHP once we had our DS. We had discussed the implications to both our lives. So

I cook our teas 90% of the time, I prefer that. He washes the dishes every night.
He does bedtime 4 times a week, our DS bath nights fall on those nights so DH does them.
I do all the laundry, hoover and most the tidying around - although whatever isn't done by time DS is asleep doesn't get done as that's our time together and rolls to the next day.
DH gets up and takes our DS to preschool once a week, he likes to be involved in that and our DS loves that morning,

We do family stuff on Sunday, my DH has work things to do in the afternoon of a Saturday, so we go out all together in the morning.

My DH appreciates and values the role I do, he wants to be involved at home, he doesn't want to miss bedtimes and bath times and is lucky enough to be able to facilitate him being there.

If your DH thinks just because he works that means he doesn't need to pull his weight, he's wrong, but I think it's worse and incredibly sad that he doesn't want to spend that available time with his child.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/07/2021 19:05

The way I thought about being a SAHM was that I was temporarily giving up my career and finance in order to look after the DC. This meant I would do some housework but my priority was the DC. If you were paying a childminder I don't think you'd be happy if she did chores instead of being with the DC. When your DH says he's been at work all day say so have you. When he's home it's 50/50. He can put DC to bed/do bathtime etc or do the dishes /other chores. He does not get to sit down while you're doing it all. As another poster has said, he needs to bond with his child for starters.

BeeDavis · 15/07/2021 19:07

You haven’t showered in 3 days? Give your husband his child and tell him you’re off to have a shower. What on earth 🤯

MrsMcTats · 15/07/2021 19:22

Sounds like you need to be firmer op. I made it clear that my job was to look after DC and that I'd do what I could during the day, but evenings and weekends were 50/50 for house and baby. DH always gets home and does bath time. It's a nice connection time for him and I'm usually losing the will by that point. You're not the hired help and you both chose to have a child. It's a team effort and if you're both home, you both help out. I suggest you plan a few hours out, leaving him with baby and see how much he gets done! It's a very outdated view that the SAH parent does everything for children and home because the spouse is 'working.' Women already carry the mental load without carrying the physical load as well.

FinallyHere · 15/07/2021 19:31

I think the no one sits and relaxes til everyone's chores are done.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/07/2021 19:37

@BeeDavis

You haven’t showered in 3 days? Give your husband his child and tell him you’re off to have a shower. What on earth 🤯

quite

Cheerio21 · 15/07/2021 19:41

I'm sorry but you need to start/make your DP do the bath and bed routine, She'll get used to it.
Take it in turns, whoever does bedtime routine clears up, bottles etc and vice versa
I can't believe you haven't had 10 mins for a shower in 3 days.

Cheerio21 · 15/07/2021 19:41

@Cheerio21

I'm sorry but you need to start/make your DP do the bath and bed routine, She'll get used to it. Take it in turns, whoever does bedtime routine clears up, bottles etc and vice versa I can't believe you haven't had 10 mins for a shower in 3 days.

Should have said the other clears up etc

wishing3 · 15/07/2021 19:42

Sounds very unfair on you. He needs to step up! My partner cooks tea then tidies the kitchen while I am putting the baby to sleep. I’d be pissed off if he was chilling out while I was baby wrangling, leaving me with more to do when I’d finished.

Noterook · 15/07/2021 19:44

You say he cooks or washes up, why not suggest he does bedtime whilst you cook? He should help around the house yes, but you need to find something that works for both of you.

Pebbledashery · 15/07/2021 19:47

@quizqueen

Your job is looking after the baby and home while he is at work,. When he is home, it's everyone job to look after the baby and the house. He doesn't get to work 8/10 hours and you work 24.

Couldn't agree more here.

LunaLula83 · 15/07/2021 19:56

Yup. Arseholes aren't they.

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