My child slapped a friend

[Notmykid]

My nine year old daughter( year 4) slapped a friend at school today in the face The mother called me after school to tell me. Playground disagreement among a group of girls. I am so mortified and ashamed and worried. My daughter did not tell me spontaneously but was sullen at pick up. She admits it but insists it was more of a tap than a slap. Still. She has obviously had serious consequences and will apologise to the friend again tomorrow and has made her a card. When the mother called I was full of concern and apology. She has just texted me again to say her child is so upset and still has red finger marks. The incident was lunchtime. What can I do? I feel awful about all of it.

Did you find out why?
If it’s out of character then I’d want to know what had happened before hand.
Was it done in anger? As a joke? A game gone too far?
And if this happened at school why are you finding out from the other mother and not from school? Hitting another child should have involved consequences at school and her teacher should have spoken to you.

Yes it was done in anger. Group disagreement about rules of a playground game. (Not blaming the other child but my child does explode when angry). To my knowledge she has not hit anyone before though. was also surprised not to hear from school - I did not do pick up today but they did not talk to the person who did. My daughter says someone told a teacher and she apologised at the time so school definitely know about it.

Let the school deal with it and try to speak to your daughter to ask her what happened beforehand.
I slapped a friend in the face age around 9/10. It was a very hormonal time for me and I was struggling with my temper and needed some help to talk it all Over etc rather than being vilified.

I think a chat and a card are a very good start. But I’d be concerned that you say she has a temper and that a slap still left marks hours later. That’s a serious slap! I’d consider getting her some counselling and working with her on better ways to manage angry feelings.

I would try and not get too drawn into conversations with the other mother. Go through school. They will know more of the story and should be the ones to deal with it from here.
Maybe some help for her recognising when her temper is getting the better of her and strategies to manage it and avoid lashing out.

@NoNobramma that it makes me feel 100 times better. THANK YOU. In my head she’s turning into this great terrifying bully whom the whole school run from. I don’t have a lot of anger and have never hit anyone in my life so I’m struggling to understand it

The fact that the mum text you later would make me care 1000% less about the whole thing

What exactly was she trying to achieve there? You’d already been mortified and apologetic, and you were already going to deal with your daughter.

Sounds like she’s just being dramatic and a bit pathetic. They’re kids, things happen, you can’t take it back can you. It’s done now.

If your daughter hasn’t hit before, refuses to admit to it being a ‘slap’ (and isn’t normally a liar) and the school didn’t bother to tell you about it, yet it was as dramatic as this woman says, something doesn’t quite add up

I’d be taking this woman’s story with a pinch of salt.

Obviously find out why DD felt she could/should/wanted to slap/tap
And of course she should be punished for using her hands on someone
But I would direct this woman to the school if she continues to bother you.
I’d also speak to the school and ask them to keep an eye on what’s going on.

I have a 9 year old. I would have a very clear cut chat that you do not ever raise a hand over a disagreement. No one has the right to do that. If she was hit first, then hit back bloody harder. You finish a fight but you never start it. Let the school deal with it. But I would have consequences at home for this too. Unacceptable.

I'd be appalled if that was my DD. I'd also be furious if a friend of my DD slapped her and I don't think the other mum overreacted by texting you (we've had pushing over and kicking by someone who is no longer a friend) although I did let school deal with it as the Head teacher was involved and responded well.

Yes, serious consequences for your DD - loss of privileges, plus I'd require her to recount to me exactly what happened that led up to the incident, being aware she will probably try and lie to show herself in a better light. I'd ask her to examine with me how she got so angry and how that led to her becoming violent. I would encourage her to think about other ways to defuse an argument, EVEN IF she is sure she is in the right. (The easiest being, simply say, "I don't enjoy playing with you when the rules arent clear." And then just walk away.)

I'd get her to think through the consequences of hitting a friend. And consider if she can really afford to go around hitting the people she is supposed to like. She will end up very lonely if she doesnt learn to control her temper.

I'd also phone school and ask to speak to the teacher about the incident.

I would be instructing my DD not only to apologise but to steer well clear of the girl she slapped at lunchtime. I'd be coaching her on acceptable responses when you don't get your own way in a game (clue: slapping, throwing a hissy fit, pushing, escalating an argument with nastiness and name-calling, would all fit into a list of Totally Unacceptable Behaviour).

I would also be down on my DD like a ton of bricks for any sign of bad temper and anger at home.

A child of 9 has the strength to hit with force enough that hand marks are still visible hours later? Methinks there may be some exaggeration going on

@RainingZen. You have articulated all my concerns beautifully if a bit brutally. Especially this. She will end up very lonely…

Hence my self flagellation on mumsnet when I need to go to bed. Thank you everyone for listening. So I will enforce the consequences I will continue to coach her on better ways to respond. And I will let school take over.

@JudgeRindersMinder. I had the same thought but why on earth would the mother make that up. In fact this afternoon For an experiment I slapped my own arm really really hard. The red marks lasted a good hour. And it really hurt. I don’t have the soft complexion of a child of course but then I used considerably more force than the angriest 9 year old could. It doesnt matter anyway. My child hit someone and I feel TERRIBLE about it.

Not sure I agree at all with a poster above about the punishments.

How about try to understand the story, emotions and feelings and concentrate on how to handle them with her.

There are already natural consequences here, she is embarrassed, her friend no doubt is not speaking to her etc etc. Why the need to punish her further so that she bottles emotions up in the future and never tells you anything?

Maybe try to be her support and don't let another mothers anger (of which she is entitled to be) push you into things.

Not sure I agree at all with a poster above about the punishments.

How about try to understand the story, emotions and feelings and concentrate on how to handle them with her.

There are already natural consequences here, she is embarrassed, her friend no doubt is not speaking to her etc etc. Why the need to punish her further so that she bottles emotions up in the future and never tells you anything?

Maybe try to be her support and don't let another mothers anger (of which she is entitled to be) push you into things.

Not that it negates your DD actions, but I slapped DH crazy hard frantically trying to kill a daddy long legs. On his naked arse as he'd just got out the shower. So hard that a perfect, red, raised imprint of my hand appeared in seconds. And was gone without any trace about 5 mins later.

So, I'd expect the mother to be cross, but the red marks hours later, when the school didn't feel it worthy of notifying either of you, I think sounds suss. If there were red marks hours later, just think of the mark at the time. That wouldn't have gone unmentioned imho.

Clarify exactly what happened from the school.

Then address your DD about how this is completely unacceptable, in the way you know she will understand best.

DS punched someone before (he has ADHD so quick to anger) and I know the feeling, your DC is "the one that slapped Jane" and it's awful. All she can do is apologise, and what she's doing with the card sounds a good idea.

But then, equally, move on, and don't engage any more with the mother.

[quote Notmykid]@JudgeRindersMinder. I had the same thought but why on earth would the mother make that up. In fact this afternoon For an experiment I slapped my own arm really really hard. The red marks lasted a good hour. And it really hurt. I don’t have the soft complexion of a child of course but then I used considerably more force than the angriest 9 year old could. It doesnt matter anyway. My child hit someone and I feel TERRIBLE about it.[/quote]
I know you do, you wouldn’t have posted here if you hadn’t

Perhaps try to gently find out from your DD what happened first. My DS lost his temper and hit a child, after talking to him (and it took some gentle teasing out, he was embarrassed and efused to talk about the incident initially) turns out he was consistently teased and bullied by this group of children.

We got him to apologise for hitting but are also working with the school on monitoring the bullying behaviour (that’s a whole other long story).

Ooof the other mum seems to be making quite a drama over a playground spat. I think you've responded appropriately.

I doubt there were still finger marks in the evening and if the other child is still upset it's most likely because the mum is going on about it!

The mother is creating a smokescreen for her own or her DD's behaviour. Otherwise she would be letting school deal with it. Do not engage with her other than to refer her back to the school. Block her if necessary.

Does DD have access to a phone or social media? If so, re-check any interactions between the girls in the light of this to see whether there was any build up that you previously didn't read anything much into or messages since adding fuel to the fire.

Eeerrr feel like there might be some victim-blaming on this thread. Please come down on this like a tonne of bricks, bullying and physical abuse is so wrong. She needs to learn a lesson right here, right now. if I was the mother I'd want to bitch-slap you, maybe then dd might learn to keep her hands to herself, she's not the only person with a temper.

bullying and physical abuse is so wrong. She needs to learn a lesson right here, right now. if I was the mother I'd want to bitch-slap you

I mean....

I mean it’s not good behaviour and it’s not acceptable but realistically these things do happen. She lost her temper and has been suitably punished. She’s apologised and there’s no need for the mother to keep messaging you now it’s been dealt with.

Plus, unless your daughter has a Bucky Barnes style metal arm, I doubt she hit a kid in the face hard enough to leave a mark hours later. If the mum messages you again, I would just reply I have spoken to dd and she’s been punished and apologised now, so there’s nothing else to be done.

Also, just for the future, have you read The Explosive Child? I thought it was really good, not that this particular situation is a massive issue but you say your daughter can react quite angrily to many situations so might be worth a look.

@tony68

Eeerrr feel like there might be some victim-blaming on this thread. Please come down on this like a tonne of bricks, bullying and physical abuse is so wrong. She needs to learn a lesson right here, right now. if I was the mother I'd want to bitch-slap you, maybe then dd might learn to keep her hands to herself, she's not the only person with a temper.

Great modelling there 🙄🙄

[quote Notmykid]@NoNobramma that it makes me feel 100 times better. THANK YOU. In my head she’s turning into this great terrifying bully whom the whole school run from. I don’t have a lot of anger and have never hit anyone in my life so I’m struggling to understand it[/quote]
It happens Notmykid. I've always been mild tempered but remember slapping a girl at school when I was around your daughter's age. I was slapped back!

It's good that your girl has made a card and apologised. She'll learn to keep her temper under control.

Boys do much worse when they have rows with friends.